sometimes I don't feel like making the space I am in my own, but rather I prefer to wander through other's spaces and sense how they've created their world (I specifically refer to the offline physical world in this thought, but as I was writing it my mind connected the similar behavior I exhibit online as demonstrated by my disinterest in design� I could make boxes and tables and shadings and division lines and insert graphics and basically use the same tools everybody else uses to give my web space the current look of polished uniqueness that is so prevalent around the web, but it's just not where I am at these days and the web spaces I call home ought to reflect me, I think�

the could-be-anything in a plain brown wrapper�

so my runway-and-elegant-evening-ready Boss and Armani suits hang in storage along with the _______ shoes and ______ ties and other garbs of success (hmmm, the origin of the word garb, anyone?� I mean, they are garMents, not garBents, right?� anyway)� I wear T-shirts and sweats or shorts and sneakers most of the time these days, with some sort of long sleeve casual shirt over top at work as the hospital gets cool at night� at home I'm usually barefoot in boxers�

I enjoy my comfort�

but it's not the web or the physical appearances I was pondering as I opened this entry� it was the ethereal and environmental spaces I sense around me� there was a time I allowed my personality and awareness to dominate an environment (and in some obvious ways I still do as I am the person everyone seeks for answers on the job and I still love helping people, I just do it much more passively than I once did), but as far as my perception can tell I believe I do not do that anymore� I know I am less active, less aggressive, and use less initiative in all of my social and professional interactions� I've settled rather comfortably into the role of observer, maybe a bit like those Sci-Fi characters such as The Traveler in Star Trek: NG or Lazarus Long in his later years�

I've always had an outsider's view of life and humanity as far back as memory takes me, but my desire to exert whatever control I could over my environment and life path was much stronger in the past� not that I would ever have considered myself any form of nocpdjavcf (though I've know way too many for my taste), but I was more interested in creating my own space and leaving my mark than I am these days� as you may observe right here, my current mark could be described a random Rorschach inkblot made of word (and the surface incongruity of the analogy is not lost on me)�

but then, I never seem to tire of talking about myself here, however abstractly, indirectly, or if we are to be generous, creatively, in this place where life in black and white behind the candoor is exposed as much as I can describe it (with only the names changed to respect those who might wish more privacy that they get by knowing me)�

do you know who you are?�

what comes to mind now, whether it appears to follow the previous unfinished exploration or not, is how much love I feel inside and how few opportunities to share it on any level that requires much thought or effort on my part, especially the personal one-on-one love, be it platonic or sensual� and how powerful the hunger to share more depth remains even after years of isolation from personal intimacies and prior years of torturous experiences of betrayals and abuses� I still so strongly believe in love (the tangible experience of shared caring, as opposed to the purely ethereal mental construct of a god of some sort)�

the platonic aspect is somewhat fulfilled by the therapy I provide to kids and peers on a daily basis at work� and by the nurturing and support I try to provide Precious at home� and that's probably enough for most of me, but there's still something missing and I am wondering if that's just ego talking�

I mean, is my hunger for a personal partner, someone to call my own, someone who makes me #1 in their life (or even a child who is my sole responsibility) purely an ego trip?�

on one level I can logically justify answering yes to that question� I mean, what is the real difference (or the biggest most personal difference to me) between selflessly giving of myself to other people's children or to friends who are in intimate relationships with others and selflessly giving myself to someone who is legally or in some committed sense mine?� just the sense of ownership (illusionary as it is) and the ego gratification that I am #1 in that person's world� they get the same selfless me if I am #2 or #3 or #27 in their world that they'd get if they made me #1, so the primary difference is what I get, my self-interest, my ego trip�

looking at the interactions of this life in this light, I see the comfort and joy and satisfaction in being who I am to others today� luckily, as humongous as my ego can be (and insatiable, don't forget insatiable), there's still a strong sense of something � identity, security, independence, awareness, � something, that is quite happy being me in or out of active sharing�

even though I love partnering too�

and it would be sweet to get some personalized just-for-me ego gratification too while I am still being me and giving as I do, after all� ah, but let me not pretend I expect to be satisfied in this world when I exist in my mind on other planes� why I continue to hope I shall find someone else who relates to all I am and experience from my perspective is an ironic dichotomy in my mind as I am practical enough to know it may never happen in this world of fear-based perspectives and insecure motivations�

but it would still be sweet�

the point, however, that set the words to flow as this entry began could be wondering whether my current passive satisfaction with exerting minimal or no control over situations is a sense of nirvana or simply complacency� is it that I've found enough pieces of the puzzle of enlightened consciousness to know peace and happiness or is it giving up on the idea of sharing it in this life� or perhaps both and how much of each if both�

the fact remains that I often pose these questions and then let them be for the answers do not matter to me while I am alone� I am a happy agnostic in most every way� I do not need to create answers out of fear of the unknown� I leave such endeavors for a time when I share myself with someone to whom those answers truly matter in daily life and continue wandering as I am without need for final answers for the exploration is the fun, the journey is the point�

would you care to walk the moon with me?�

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)