so what happened was... I mean, it really was no miracle or anything to drop a house on or sing and dance about, for that matter, even if it does feel like I live somewhere between here (wherever this is) and Oz most of the time... it seems I've awakened again... at least a bit... and it might be today for you or someday, but it is today for me and this entry, even though there's another one already written for tomorrow... and so you see all the entries popping up suddenly, or at least it might be suddenly if you suddenly popped in today, which would be just at the right moment to suddenly find the dozen or so entries I uploaded today... time being what it is, you figure it out...

what happened was an email from someone who I think lives here (in the online sense), though it might be a coincidence of names after all... it was a single line, a simple query into my wellness and the few words that found their way through the numbness and distractions right to the center of my heart and melted all the walls (at least for a moment) and perhaps it's just cuz I am desperate to find something to fill these catch up entries, but I include my reply email here for some reason (of course to let you all know something, but I'll leave it for each of you to figure out just whatever that might be cuz I am not completely sure of what i was trying to say myself)... anyway, here goes:

Yoda, I am not... but touched, I am :)

I am well, floudering a bit in a busy lonely life, but feel good about me most of the time... missing reading time (which leads to more deeper loneliness) and missing writing time (which leads to a messier madness), but still somehow hopeful that life will somehow come together again (even as time puts more and more distance between my stuff so long in storage and the life it all represents)... and the surprise of your email is a wonderfully rejuvenative shot in the spirit (enough to awaken the heart that sleeps, much like the memories of the stuff in storage that apathy denies), so thank you so much...

I don't think of that stuff too often, at least not consciously... but in silent times such as these, a sudden query into myself (how am I?) is apt to bring the depths of losses not yet fully accepted and wounds not yet fully healed and circumstances not yet fully dealt with (and such is life before, or between closures) to the surface where a haunting moan (and obnoxious whine) is likely heard... pardon my self-indulgence...

no worries, no fears (at least none empowered enough to keep me quiet permanently), and no time like the moment to wake up and check my metaphoric oil and tire pressure (no coincidence, I suppose, that the engine light on my actual physical non-metaphoric car went on during this recent period of web silence)... I am rambling, no doubt...

and then he (that would be me) asks with a sudden (if slightly feigned) air of nonchalence and possibly mischeivous smile, "and you are Tim Dangerous?" :)

perhaps not, but whomever you may be, your concern is truly a breath of life for my spirit and a sweet shock for my sleeping heart (even if I am getting redundant now)... and this, pulling myself out of silence and finding some words that reach for the truth as I know it about myself, is my way of saying, as tangibly as I can, thank you...

and another sudden thought, is oxford.ms actually a workable address?

you also have excellent timing... I have not slept in at least 48 hours and have the next two days off, so I shall upload entries today and catch up on my daily life diary this weekend and hopefully find time and inspiration to write in several other web worlds as well... in no small part thanks to your timely concern... so in closing I say yay!

and how is life (and how are you) in your world?

and so there's whatever it is, if nothing else, it was definitely meant to be a thank you to the dear person who sent the email of concern... and making it public hopefully enhances that purpose for the appreciation I feel is of the rooftop shouting magnitude... and the same measure of appreciation goes out to the friendly text messager (who is beautiful {and strong} enough to reach out from her own sadness to appreciate and care for me) and the few precious voicemail-note-comment-guestbook-entry leavers and emailers... while any morsel of feedback you leave is treasured, there's something all the more wonderful about you coming and wondering about me while I am silent... the feeling of being missed is one of my heart dreams...

a sentimental sap, I am... huh?...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)