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2005-12-03 - 1:23 p.m.
the ultimate phase
an astounding trail of energy may be found it you follow the dates instead of the entries, and then, perhaps a more detailed map would be required for the path through the bigger picture (1 2 3 4) just to begin to scratch the surface...
but before we get there, why are there so many two-faced people in the world?... I mean, what are they afraid of?... do they think they are stronger just because they lie with smiles and get away with it because so many others lie with smiles and pretend not to know they are lieing?... it's never made any sense to me and I've never wanted any part of it, which is why I chose the paths I chose and why I am where I am right now...
well, one reason, certainly... this lyric site is really pretty amazing when you consider most of the decent the lyrics sites that are out there have annoying pop-ups and perhaps worse, spyware... after all, if SONY is doing it out in the public, who knows what smaller companies are doing behind closed doors or on the insides of your computer...
but don't get all paranoid now...
ultimately, the word ultimately may ultimately be the ultimate name for a musical group, if it has not been one already, in which case is obviously did not work, but if it hasn't been scooped up yet you really ought to think about it... even if it has nothing to do with everything or anything else, ultimately...
beyond the ridiculous, no matter how absurd, may be the truth...
I don't mean to offend or upset you by being myself
I mean no harm to anyone
there are many different holy books on the shelf
and many stars beyond the sun
and if I don't see things the same way you do
that doesn't mean I think you're wrong
I don't want to fight and I am not here to argue
but I won't sell my soul just to belong
I see humans fighting over gods and possessions
and I want no part of that way
it's the same old mistakes and ignoring the lessons
do you think you're saved cuz you pray?
when you choose to piss in the water you drink
are you really so arrogant that you think
you're above the natural laws of this life
you cut your own throat with your own knife
and lately I've become more like you than me
I live unhealthy and indulge apathy
I wine and complain and pretend I'm not free
to be just as I want to be
and living among you accepting your ways
I lose myself in the business of your days
I laugh and I cry while everyone prays
the real me lives where no one stays
the real me is hearing a song... that never plays
it may actually (or ultimately) be a continuation of a mood, which may or may not have actually (ultimately) been phase one, but stepped up to the possibility at least for this entry because ultimately, somebody had to... after all, what would a phase two be without a phase one, or any phase, for that matter...
as you might see if you looked, it comes from the land of the mostly dead (oh you know where it is by now, you don't really need more of my self-serving links, do you?)... the truth is the truth no matter how difficult it is to swallow and while I sincerely hope that it is not a permanent condition or even an ingrained pattern, it is most definitely a bad habit that has swallowed the sun and moon and stars, kind of like that episode of Saturday Night live when they were spoofing Star Trek and Chekov shouted, quite alarmed, mind you, "Captian, all the stars have gone out" or something like that...
at least I think it was Chekov...
anyway, the silly irreverent aside to the ridiculous (yet funny) reference does not detract (it doesn't?) from the seriousness of the confession admitted to in this entry... sad as it may see, or be, even, I am wasted away in Margaritaville... and no lost shaker of salt or pepper or cloves of garlic or habeneros, even, will spice up this life at the moment... where the freak is everybody?...
huh?... oh, well I OD on chocolate regularly and my brain is bound to explode at any moment if I keep it up... all year the doctor has put off sending me for a liver sonogram because maybe the results will change and finally two months ago she ordered one and I probably should make the appointment, but I keep telling myself it's just a phase and I'll return to the healthy fit me who must run miles daily to feel right any day now and when I do, the body will readjust itself and I won't have borderline high blood pressure and I won't need a pill every day and my liver will return to normal and I'll live happy marathon runnings and wild sexual escapades and most of all, dear heart family bonding forever and ever or at least another hundred years...
or perhaps the goose has been cooking too long and the madness of self-pathetic self-destruction has gone on too long and there's no turning back now and the best I can hope for is a kind nurse or orderly in the home for vegetative post-stroke victims...
I live a lifestyle of slow suicide
just to fit in around here
though I know better, I am denied
in this world governed by fear
and I've drifted so far from myself
that the real me can not be seen
and I've stopped caring about my health
so I can't actualize what I mean
and if I did it would seem like betrayal
for I've tacitly approved of your ways
just to fit in around here
I hope it's just a phase
here, have another piece of chocolate... and caffiene, don't forget the caffiene... actually (not ultimately, this time... see, there is a difference), I've not had any Code Red for a couple of weeks except at Precious's birthday party at her request so I could play some video dance fever game where you follow arrows on a screen and do some fancy footwork... egads, how out of shape I've become... I could barely make it to dancer rating...
I hope everyone was amused...
alas, once I would have amazed...
the end is just a little harder when it's brought about by friends... and to all the friends I've known before who took all they could and left me to die, well, I hope you got what you wanted because you lost what you had... several lyrics are buried loosely in this paragraph, in case you didn't notice... and as usual, if you find them and follow them to their songs, you'll learn a lot more about what is between the lines...
but I have cut out the soda for several weeks... good thing too, since I increased the chocolate maybe ten-fold... I stopped by the great big store the day after Halloween for one item, I forget just what, and I left with bags and bags of half priced chocolate... it may have been a death wish that lead me to that store that day, but it really was for just one item and I had no conscious thought that I might bump into fifty shopping carts full of half-priced chocolate lined up between the stuff in the great big store and the door to get in and out...
and the salt... I've been eating so much salt (and I don't sprinkle any salt on anything, not even french fries) because so much food is full of salt, especially prepared frozen stuff and eat-out stuff... and I'd be more than willing to scoff at the current medical beliefs that salt and sugar and fat is bad for you because, after all, modern medicine once consisted of bleeding people into unconsciousness by attatching blood sucking leeches to their skin... doctors are learning all they time that everything they know could be wrong (without any help from the Firesign Theatre, in fact)...
but I feel like such crap after the chocolate drugs wear off and when I am bloated... how do people live like this and appear to enjoy it?... and why?... is the appearance of happiness and fitting in really more important than actual happiness and healthy enjoyment of life?...
maybe next time
sometimes, silence is the only response... it is not meant to be obscure, or even cleverly amusing,surely not meant to be flippant or cavalier (no matter how irreverently I might drive... soon, new tires will make my madcap adventures behind the wheel much safer, as did the brakes, and the near grand of dollars I spend will be well worth it, or so some common wisdom would tell me... personally, I'm having fun skidding along on bald tires, but all this rubber to the road talk is besides the point, naturally)...
obviously there is more to the obscurity than meets the eye... and while in one breath I might throw a hell-of-a-good pity-party with too many great reasons to feel helplessly hopelessly futile and worthless and meaningless and used and abused and confused and refused by even the gods of everything that anyone ever prayed to or danced for or killed for, even, and in the next breath I laugh at the happiness I find beneath the surface tensions and foolish games, deep down where the child find everything amusing and beautiful and wonderfully exciting... but there is profound meaning between the lines, especially when the lines are silent...
hello darkness my old friend...
what would you like to know?...
it is not my intention to hide
it is not my intention to fool anyone
maybe my brain is just fried
it is not my intention to censor myself
it is not my intention to cry
it is not my intention to offend anyone
it is not my intention to lie
but I'm not always clear these days
I look for myself and I lose my way
and only the loneliness stays
all other emotions come and go today
ah, the bottom line (ultimately?) is that as long as I can scratch out some words, I can find my way home (wasted or not, thank you, but no thank you Mr. Clapton) for no matter how this life turns out or what I've been through, I am my own parent, my own family, my own universe...
< last one < < < < BURP! > > > >next one >
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