a mind that never turns off could be a scary experience from the inside (and often either not taken too seriously or taken too seriously on the outside, but that's the secondary story beyond the thought coming to my mind at the moment)... I know, cuz I've always had one...

I didn't mind at first, being a little kid who didn't know better and didn't like sleep much anyway... I'd stay awake most of the night writing (once I learned to write) and then, when I got my own TV in my room, I'd watch late night movies while writing... I also loved pitch dark steamy hot showers doe hours (well, it seemed like hours, but my concern for water usage usually kept it much shorter than that)... but I was innocent, or ignorant of the power of unhappiness, ignorant of the void I could create within myself, and had no idea that people actually believed they had little or no control over their emotions... for me, regardless of the events I experienced (and I knew much trauma and loss), being happy was as simple as wanting to be happy... I never knew it was not my choice (so it was my choice)...

I was about seventeen when I first learned that powerlessness and helplessness is possible as I forgot that it was my choice (and that was my choice too, foolish as that may sound)... I gave my self to someone else... alas, I fell in love with a human and therefore wanted to be like her and when she sold the widely accepted belief that we are powerless over our emotions I bought, anything to please her... it never did make sense to me, but I did everything I could (and I mean everything) to shut down my awareness and turn off my mind (so I could forget the truth as I knew it... the things we do for love)...

but that wasn't love, that was hunger for someone else, that was ego and lust and passion for winning and thirst for power and most every externally generated motivation there might be... for no matter how good it seems to feel, no matter what happens or what anyone tells me, I know that I can not love another unless I love yourself...

and I can only love another as much as I love myself...

but at the time I wanted external reassurance, all for that precious attention from one other... that falling in love feeling that comes from giving unconditional trust to another person... the excitement that comes from letting someone else take the wheel...

that is when the child in me learned to forget that it is the internal motivations that matter most and therein, I lost me to wander aimlessly through timeless days and endless nights (and every escape I could find or afford)... I did my best to tune out, to turn my mind off, to fit in and find someone who would share the fall, the leap, the unconditional... I became detached from the core, from the essence, from the anima, from the source... except sometimes when I least expect it when I am sleepwriting (one way I keep from losing my mind, which never turns off)...

much happened along the way as I touched down and took off again from the me I know as me... these days I orbit myself, occasionally passing through my center but most often resting on laurels and exploring (escaping into?) creativity and sitting here watching the wheels go round and round... I don't always love to watch them roll...

I know a peaceful connection with my truth, however, that was missing from the wasted wandering years... I think if you can learn to love and trust yourself unconditionally (or actually, if you can remember the unconditional love and trust you were born with), then all is well inside no matter what storms swirl around (inside or outside)...

sounds good, dudnit?

I can be flippant with myself because it is my truth and certainty breeds confidence and confidence brings the ability to laugh at myself and my foolishness... I know what I believe and have unwavering faith in the truth I can feel as I have actualized it in this physical space we call human life on Earth... I sense it reaches beyond all we know and experience... I hope you find yours too...

and in the end, there is no fitting in anywhere if one is not true to self...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)