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2004-05-22 - 11:11 a.m. something to say I sometimes have so much to say, I don't say anything because the words trip over themselves... I have not found time to sort through the words and put them in more sensible places, so the backlog in my brain and come popping out here without the coherence or communicative power they might (should) have had I found the time (and focus)... so connections seem fleeting and distant... it doesn't help that I still seem to find little impetus within me to invest time in correspondence, which is most likely residual distaste from past long distance relationships and no real desire to relocate (once upon a time I was a rolling stone, comfortable with the possibility of moving on down the highway and being on the road... now I am complacent in my semi-tropical climate even though years have passed without meeting anyone at any meaningful depths here)... so why am I online when all we have are words?... words have been the only truly consistent means of expression and communication with myself through this life... so ultimately I write for myself, to keep in touch with myself (even when all I am doing is letting the backlog of words pour out in relatively random order with meanings only I might find if I take the time to read between the lines and understand my irreverent seriousness and serious irreverence and assorted asides and whatnots (not to mention the fleeting, though relatively constant, distractions and lazy and unhealthy influences that surround me in this current living space, though I do not have to allow any influence if I focus and do not want the distraction... it's those ambivalent moments, which come way more often than they used to, that leave me vulnerable to the winds around me... but even that is a choice)... anyway, I write to stay alive (conscious, as minimal as it may be at times) and somewhere inside is the hope that someone will explore deeper than words can reach, someone who has similar perspectives, completely open honesty, infinite patience, endless compassion, and is at a point in their lives where they are not bound to previous baggage so therein are free to fly where butterflies are free (to fly away?) and spent endless hours wandering the days and nights of life getting to know, getting to know all about each other... similar perspectives are rare, since mine is not the usual human experience or perspective... completely open honesty may not exist in humanity today, but if nothing else seems even more rare... and the rest, well, I know I want a lot... but where else can compromise begin if not at what we want?... so it seems that the hunger to share is overpowering everything else these days (not that I am much interested in politics, religion, or the foibles and power trips of mankind)... I sometimes, actually, often feel like I was born a few thousand years after my time, or a head of it if more reasonable minds will return to the world in the future... maybe it's the Da Vinci influence (or lingering Dark Tower influences or other readings)... I am just so tired of human hypocrisy and pretense and judgments... anybody living without them?... and sometimes I may have nothing to say at all...
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