so am I an every day diarist?... this particular diary started on September 17, 2003 and has become my primary daily mostly anything goes place for babble (which I must do daily or die)... that means this diary has been open for four hundred and ninety nine days (if my brain is calculating correctly this very tired morning)... and there are seven hundred and nineteen entries (this being the seven hundred twentieth... that's 499 days, 720 entries... yup, seems like an everyday diary to me...

and for another mundane detail in my relentless quest to bring you closer than skin so we can be as one, here are the details of my personal domain address SPAM... for background, my domain is candoor.net and candor.8m.com... they've been open for more than five years (three hundred seventy two weeks, according to the server) and they're paid for until 2013 or 2014 (I forget)... unfortunately, I am not sure the package I have with the server allows for at-server email filtering, so all the mail (including tons of SPAM) flows through the domain into my poor old little laptop (at dial up speed no less) and must be filtered here are the receiving end... I try to download mail at least once a day because the server only holds 10MB of mail and some days more than that in SPAM comes through... for instance, here is the count since yesterday:

website address SPAM count,
download 9:43 AM 2/28/05
1891 messages, 9.37MB

I don't know just why, but I've got Melissa Etheridge's Talking To My Angel on repeat this morning... it's a great song for me to sail away to when I am way past overtired and over it, that is, riding out to sea on the waves of frustrating challenges... an Eagles song comes to mind that has a similar effect, though the name slips my mind at this moment... songs slipping my mind, definitely the first sure signs of senility... it may be time to consider drugs again...

"don't be afraid... close your eyes... lay it all down... don't you cry... can't you see I'm going... where I can see the sun rise... I been talking to my angel... and he said that it's alright... I've always had to run.... I don't know just why... desire slowly smoking... under the midwest sky... but there's something waiting out there... that says I got to try... I been talking to my angel... and he said that it's alright... this town thinks I'm crazy... I just think I'm strange... sometimes they wanna own me... sometimes they wish I'd change... but I can feel the thunder... underneath my feet... when I sold my soul for freedom... it's lonely but it's sweet... don't be afraid... close your eyes... lay it all down... don't you cry... can't you see I'm going... where I can see the sun rise... I been talking to my angel... and he said that it's alright..."    ~ Melissa Etheridge

when I can do that... type out the complete lyrics to a song while listening to the song without pausing or going back to catch lyrics I missed... that's a sign... maybe I'm not so senile after all...

is it Wasted Time or Hotel California... or is it Jackson Browne's The Late Show... there's a song haunting me as the closing of this one repeats... the chord progression is so similar... the music is calling... and life... and love... and won't somebody walk with me... for I've come out of the blue and I took that walk alone... for so many years... out here on my own... and I want to share the journey... that's a dream I'm gonna keep... even if it takes forever... it's a dream that will not sleep...

and the mail download starts all over again after 23 minutes of steady download... I don't stress over it too much though because people who want to reach me can reach me... my telephone number is out here... and the diaryland address comes through without the SPAM... and there's always Gmail for the very few who noticed I had one...

I left this note for someone (go figure, in my sleep deprived state I am not sure just who I left it for, but I think it was dalyrical1... yes, it was... go wish her a happy birthday)... I think the note says something about me, kind of one of those secret scars that forever mar or alter a person, if you know what I mean... I wrote the note without thinking, so it needs clarification, I think, and I will alter it in an attempt to get closer to the truth in the wound it expresses...

it is still challenging for me to think "birthday" on some dates... dates that remind me of people lost in the maze of life, people I left my heart with and promises to always be there for them and now, not knowing where they are, the memories are painful... I feel I betrayed them, broke my promises... so I subconsiously shut down on and around certain dates...

the sad thing is when I meet new people who deserve birthday wishes who just happen to be born on or around those certain shut down dates, I am usually just waking up a week or few after their party and trying to come up with an honest, yet amusing way of sending genuine love and good wishes for a wonderful celebration of the day that brought the person into this world...

in this particular case, the dates are Feb 21, 22, and 23... three in a row, three different people I feel i've betrayed by losing touch and therefore not being there for them forever as I promised I would... easily a reason for my brain to shut down for a week or few...

but I still celebrate your being alive and try to let go of the past that interferes with the present and I trust you understand... being late to the party, I always hope I can get it going again because life, after all, deserves to be celebrated every day... especially yours... so Happy Every Day and yay for you being alive J

I didn't change the note too much, but I think it explains something about me better now... I have a personal calendar of memorial experiences, of beautiful sadness, or magic moments, of profound losses (can you find the two song titles in this sentence?)... and I can feel the thunder underneath my feet...

the jackhammers are jackhammering on the walls just outisde this apartment... ironic that they would re-start that noise today when I forced myself to stay awake and work an extra half shift because the management has alienated the entire health care workforce in Central Florida and can not find people to hire to fill spots that people are leaving because management has alienated them so well...

and yet, as much as this body and mind need sleep, there is some sort of magic going on that is not only keeping me awake, but it keeping me energized and on some cloud near cloud nine without any additional stimulants or drugs or chocolate, even... and just five hours ago, in my twelfth hour of work, I was nodding off so peacefully... and a few hours before that I did have some Code Red (for the first time in more than a week) and a chocolate chocolate chip cookie dough shake from Steak N Shake along with a meal... could the Code Red and sugar have resurged through my system after almost eight hours in spite of being ready to pass hour about five hours ago?...

magic is so much fun and so peacefully exciting and relaxing...

and it's so weird how a feeling will just come up from the core of me (where I am alive and well and awake and ever hopeful and optimistic and reborn each time I open my eyes) seemingly from out of nowhere (as it just did) to express my sweetest most endearing most persistent most relentless most comfortable and comforting and beautiful feeling dream of all that is as alive and well and real for me as it ever was in spite of the mostly dead or numbness or sour grapes or blues or warps or ambivalent or semi-detatched or perverse experiences and thoughts and emotions that wash over me at times... and it feels as beautiful as ever to believe with all I am in the possibility...

I can only guess it's kind of like the feeling of believing in God that true believers in God get when they reach an epiphany of faith... for my God (with a capital G) is love, Love, LOVE (cue the Beatles now)...

sometimes it is good to talk to my angel on repeat...

and sometimes it is even better to listen...

thank you, music...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)