and still no sleep so whatever might be going on in my head is far from the words that might appear before us here, hail ye oh holy congragation behind the candoor, sleep depravation is not just intoxicating, it's an adventure... but what we really want to know is does it take us closer to god (Joe de Peche a la mode?)... I was sitting here in the big green chair a little while ago and I think the phone rang but I was in a semi-conscious metaphysical supernatural quasi-enlightened and yet still not quite there state of "huh?" (you know the state?... I think it's just south of New Jersey) and any hour now I just might stand up without falling over and find the phone (though I may have to call it to find it)... if it was you calling, please hug yourself for me and if you're at all horny, feel yourself up a bit... or more than a bit if you must... someone must be laughing now... the really exciting news in the relatively world and mostly physical life is that I found a CD with all the files from the 1993 computer (the days of wine and hosers) and did I miss the coincidence of the connection of Nad finding me after all these years?... the connection being that he was around in those years when I was living the life of Riley (too bad Riley wanted it back)and fantasizing about Disney girls (and living with some, but then, it was a Universal photographer who shared the bed back then... I guess I was just raised too pure to dare soil a Disney girl)... and lots of someones must be laughing now... but all these inside jokes just might be shooting right past many heads out there so I'll see about coming to some sort of point... yes, the finding of the CD with the writings of the mid-nineties was like the universe telling me I wasted a lot of years whining about how cruel people are and how much was lost and stolen by people I trusted... instead I should be appreciating what has remained and go get stuff that i can still find and open boxes and face the demon memories inside those boxes and cry whatever tears are left to cry and get back to laughing at the relativity of everything because life is way too short to be taking it so seriously that we forget to laugh at it... but there are just so many distractions... and absolutely no creative input in my immediate environment... so why stupidly wait for some to appear when i could be creating some myself... rhetorical, naturally, but most fools are... on the other hand, just how many pathetic lonely songs or hopeful romantic songs or same old same old story songs can I write before I get totally bored with myself and way too repetitive to be tolerated in mixed company, or anywhere outside of a self-help group for pathetic lonely hopelessly hopeful romantics singing same old same old story songs... therapy, I must need therapy...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)