"I've been places, places, traveled most parts of the world. Seen the great wonders of nature, of mankind that fill the eyes, shake the brain; troubled my body with heat and cold. I have felt shrunken beside great things, aroused to trembling, shivering, all my inner flesh and blood aroused by the need to recognize, to admit to some overwhelming force of being of which I am an infinitesimal atom, a nearly-nothing, spectral, that has not forgotten the birthing-cord, the mother-tie, the separation that never is complete, fully complete until we die.

For each of us there is a corner of earth, a refuge of green trees, a cover of clean snow, rocks firmly heaving above the sea, unreachable horizons, small cress-grown creeks, hard clayey fields, that we call "home."

An infant grasps the hand of the old man. The other grasps the earth and the waters under the earth. If true love exists this is a part of it."

Back Home by Frederic G. Cassidy, 1994

people tell me I have my own unique style, but when asked to elaborate, nothing happens... maybe I should stop responding to comments... when I respond, does it kind of mean the commenting is over, that anyone after my comment is late?... hope not cuz that's not how I see it... as my favorite cute thing says, I'm all about the conversation...

at least I once was...

one email told me I intimidate people with my exhuberance... I think to myself, "they're just words, how can words intimidate?"... maybe some people take words more seriously than I do (the wry sarcasm in that serious irreverence is probably missed by everyone who has not shared a bed with me in this life, and some of them too, but then, I have long accepted that most of what I write {and say} is floating {or sailing, or perhaps, occasionally, rocketing} out into the ether of the cosmos with no one on this particular blue-green planet noticing or getting even a fraction of the points)...

one emailer told me I was a cross between Stuart Smalley and Douglas Adams...

yes, I've been checking my email, randomly and haphazardly, since I can never tell just what is my email and what is meant for someone who actually wants to buy crap... and sadly, some of the email I'd really like to see, like email from you, dear readers, and strangers passing through who care to say something, disappears in the filters because of a word or two in the subject like "free" or "penis" or "implants" or "save"... there are at least a hundred words marked as delete-this-message words and sometimes a good email will be auto-deleted just cuz one of those words are in the subject (or body, even)...

sorry about that...

really, I hope you try again... or call me up and leave a scathing message about my neglecting to show you the respect of a response in a timely fashion... I love messages... and any sort of communication that is actually meant for me... even if I don't open my email program to check every day and sometimes, like recently, maybe once a week... I think it's been three weeks since I actually responded to email this time... that's mostly cuz I'm trying to copy the CDs that are costing me 20 cents per day each and I don't have money to burn (just a lot of CDs to burn), especially since my car needs tires and brakes and I just got through paying for insurance and storage and several other semi-annual big bills and there's EMT school and a promise is a promise and I am gonna help my dear friend even if it means eating Ramen for a month...

that wasn't meant as a prayer to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, by the way...

anyway, the computer can not do two things at once... so I am missing my browsing time cuz I am letting the CDs get copied and email comes third in computer tasks until I return all these CDs after I copy them all... I've been distracted by lounging around with my roommate watchiung various sports games today anyway...

but I did start reading them again...

one email responded to the previous entry cautioning me about sounding too pathetic and went as far as to tell me that I do not get as many comments as friends like hissy or gump or nicim (or the amazing jen or luva or the infamous 12beer crew, for that matter), because I expose too much emotion and vulnerability and simply get too heavy for people to know what to say...

but I ain't heavy, I'm your brother!...

meanwhile another email said I don't get much response to my entries because they are all over the place and there's no point because nobody can actually follow my ramblings... I guess most of you take that T-shirt I used to wear, "follow me if you want to get lost" seriously, huh?... alas, loneliness is no fun (and maybe that's the patheticness the other guy was talking about)...

there was even an email mentioning my irreverence as cause for the great wealth of silence in my comment system, imagine that, my irreverence leaving you with nothing to say?... I told that guy that he insults my dear readers by suggesting such a thing...

meanwhile, I am reminded again why I let comments lapse in previous years here at DLand... the conversations I see others have in their comments just do not happen in mind... for whatever reason, I don't attract enough happy commenters (or even SPAMers) to develop a commenting following... maybe I don't give enough time to any one thing (or person or place) and as one person once suggested back when I was anonanonanon in Yahoo chat room called TheAsylumTM that nobody will ever get close to me because of my apparent love and mastery of ADD (oddly phrased, but it was an odd person telling me this)...

actually, I don't know how I'd react (or how I'd feel) if I suddenly became one of the popular people out in cyberspace... I've always shunned popularity based on some sense of superficiality that comes with it and I have personal experience proof in how people treated me differently when I was wealthy and therefore more popular than now when I have little in the material world to share or give... on the other hand my ego has always craved being a superstar (though my ego is superficial and works against me as much as it might love me because it is all about me to the nth power)...

I am happiest when I have a balance of attention and privacy, of meaningful intimate sharing and social popularity... my happiest times in this life were when I was deeply in love with someone who was deeply in love with me and we were both deeply devoted to a group of people who were deeply devoted to us... maybe that's cuz I never had biological family or actually had close family or maybe I am just an extremely social person in spite of being highly dichotomous and eclectic in my preferences and interests and moods and way of being...

I wrote the above earlier before napping and before your comments on the previous entry... and though I chose to make this a lazy-bum weekend because I wanted to rest (not that I slept much, but I did nothing which is almost as good as sleep), I was feeling the loneliness take a bite out of the spirit and hope and good stuff... as much as I can play with my mind (and heart) in my imagination (like the previous entry of falling in love with another of the amazingly creative and fun people out here in cyberspace) and I genuinely enjoy the freedom and pleasure of being me, I get lonelier than I wish on my worst enemies sometimes...

it's been a long time since I've been in love outside of my head...

it's a life-sucking spiral that I tend to avoid most of the time (feeling lucky that I can), but the ache to be in love is never too far from the myriad of feelings that pass through me each day... and the older I get the more the child inside of me wonders if there's anyone who might truly understand me (and how can I fall in love with anyone who doesn't, really)... but then I find some silly funny person and fall in love with the idea of being in love (ya falla?) and wish upon a star and cuddle up with my dreams and there I am happy, even alone...

so I spent today watching sports on TV and talking with roommates and copying CDs and getting up very little... and writing yet another introspective entry that probably leaves little room for comment and I may wonder the same thing I wondered last night, where is everybody?... somewhere inside of me (the secure part) I know you're out there and you care... bless you for always being there (and around in real life too)... and yes Chris, the few loyal readers I know I have are worth so much more than any dozens of comments or flongs of fans... it is odd to reduce popularity into the numbers we call stats on the internet, but then, stats seem to be all most people want to know about people... alas, alack, and poo on superficiality...

and sippy, welcome to my odd little world on the net, daily life diary section... I hope I don't embarrass or offend you with my enthusiasm for your words and videos and ideas and adorableness, you're not the first, you won't be the last, but you are the one and only fantasy of the moment at the moment so I hope you don't mind if I lavish you with affection and passionate adoration... it's what I do to keep from getting old and stagnant and apathetic and cynical and complacent during this relationshipless time of life...

and that goes for all you other wonderful inspirations out there... the lottery dream (winning the lottery and sending all of you air fare and tickets to the Orlando, FL theme parks so we can have fun offline too) still inspires my smile, but until then I'll make love (or laughs) to you in words, innocently, of course...

I wish I had time to actually think about my writing, to plan posts and encourage my creativity to play out the fantasies in my head, but there's always something else to do (like I'm late for work again, surprise surprise)...

so I thank you for your comments (and for putting up with my begging for more) and I thank you for your inspirations (and accepting my strange way of showing my appreciation in the positive spirit I send it) and I thank you for coming back to read a little more of the madness that bounces around inside my head...

I feel your hugs, I hope you feel mine J

. . .






PS... people suck sometimes, especially boys who think with their penis or libido... if you care about me and people and fairness and truth, please go give her a hug...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)