it could be that i've made it challenging for some to read this diary (or do we call it a blog here now?)... so let's explore... fifteen years ago, or some such number accounting for time, when i first came to this place known as diaryland, i was set on making the page what i wanted to see in my mind (simple, no doubt), i mean visually... words, just words... and i liked blues... visually, i mean... and so backgrounds were usually black or dark blue and words were usually light blue and fonts were child-like and bold because i am very much a child in my mind... especially visually... and more than one person mentioned that the text was difficult to read and i was a stubborn child telling myself anyone who really cared about me, or anyone who wanted to care about me would put up with any visual challenge to find me in the words... i could read them just fine, after all...

that was probably a selfish and childish reaction, but then, i still see the truth the childinside saw in it... we are visual beings and for me, the standard white background and thin font black text is so conforming it influences the reading and the writing... i even changed the background and font colors in the MS Word document files i used to write in back then (when i remembered the risk of losing words when writing into the diaryland box)... so call me a purist but i want the words to represent me as much as possible so i was stubborn and stayed with the backgrounds and fonts... the goal here is for us to communicate as well as possible, for you to know me and me to know you (as much as you'd like me to)... i want someone to know me completely, so i am as i appear, all blobby and babbling and child-like...

that may be why i have relatively few readers here and in my many other writing places... and that may hinder my being found and read and known by the person who might want to know me completely so perhaps, and this has been a long time coming, a compromise is in order?... still i ask, rather than conclude, aye?... well, i did change styles and formats when i mostly moved on from this diary to the blog i call RealTime™ and yet, i continued the babbling ways... and i found there even fewer readers (though a few quite loyal friends and more than a dozen followers), probably because blogspot is less of a community than diaryland (am i analyzing too much?... do you really think i'll stop? lol lam sigh), but the writing (and babbling) must continue or my head will explode (and that could be so messy)... after another couple or few years i decided to attempt what everyone else does in the hope for more readers because ultimately, without readers, there was (and is) no way to actually communicate and find people who want to know me and who will share and be friends, right?...

yeah, so anyway, enter (e)thereal and nothing changed... actually, something did change... the entries were generally shorter, though there were many more of them... and in seven years, (e)thereal probably has fewer comments than RealTime™ or this diary... so the words are more isolated than ever and the goal of finding friends who might want to know me (no less finding the one or few who might want to know me completely and the goal of finding friends who want to share themselves has failed rather well, i must say...

yeah, so here i am again reviewing, re-whatevering (and still not editing which probably leaves way too many typos for most people to want to stay through but if that is the deal breaker for being friends, so be it)... as futile as it may seem, this is what i do and because that is the way we roll (in spite of the validity of the old adage that if you continue doing what you do and expect a different outcome you are a fool... or something like that... you know, i've got to be me and all those songs left in toronto when the world proved to me that human beings can kill each other {in this particular case emotionally and psychologically} and continue turning the knife and still ask for and expect forgiveness (and help and money and more) from the dead and move on with their lives as if it was ok, but this is a parenthetic aside that would spin out on to a horse of a completely different color if we let it so let's get back to whatever it was i was whatervering, m'ok?) so here we go again (on our own)...

what is stranger still was noticing that the last dozen or so entries over at RealTime™ had (have too) more than two dozen page views but the entries prior to that have fewer than ten and many have none, which puzzles me because the google counts of page views are so inaccurate sometimes, and yet, maybe the seventeen followers of RealTime™ (another seldom updated babbling blog like this one) actually come by and read now and then one question becomes, why not read it all?... of course the natural answer is who the fudge has the time? (hey, kids might be reading and some parents don't want their kids to read the word fuck so i cleaned it up, m'ok?... yeah, see, i can conform sometimes, and mock conformity other times, but please don't look down on me for that) and that is understandable unless you are the one who is crazy enough to read every word i ever wrote (grow old along with me, no doubt) and actually feels compelled to do that (someone once tried, but i think it drove her mad and she needed a lot of counseling to get her life back after she left)... if you are laughing, well, then you are cool and i'd attend a funeral with you, but i prefer not to rubberneck at accidents, if that's ok...

i am rambling on, yes, but worse, i am allowing paragraphs to grow into the bogs of letters that may be challenging to read for some... so let's see if i can make a change in that, if that change makes a difference for you (you being readers who find the format challenging to read... would you like a different font or style?... let me know... i'll give it a try... if not here, somewhere... i am open to suggestion about how to attract more readers and friends and yeah, ultimate, finding the one which is the bottom line i usually get to every time after a while, right?)... if you say nothing, nothing will change...

so anyway, since we're here let's catch up a bit (you've got the notes section... just brush off the dust... and if you want comments, well, all of my blogspot blogs have comment sections... you could even find my email address or {gasp} phone number right there on facebook (or this page you are reading right now, even), yes, facebook public contact information, imagine that, aye? lol lam... and yes, the name is Bugs... Bugs Webbot... got a problem with that? lol lam lab... (apparently someone did, sigh, but that's another story)... yeah, you can find out who i am in the real life physical world if you want to... did i not mention this a few times before, at least?)... ok, so i am laughing at myself for the way i beg for attention and hope for friends and all that hopefulness based on all these words... as if you might take me seriously after all this irreverence amidst all this babble... but hey, anything's possible, right?...

so let's get more real, shall we?... sigh, that's not as much fun right now, but ok... i've been incessently mini-babbling in (e)thereal and most recently the real world has been cold and cruel as it often seems to be in my personal experience... almost two months ago jackson (yes, we still live together, must be about six or seven years now, though probably not for too much longer as she is in love and it seems to be working out better than any previous relationship for her) came to terms with her 16+ year old dog no longer able to enjoy life (he could barely walk ten feet without panting and stopping to rest and collapsed trying to poop and eat most of the time in the last weeks) and we made that tragic painful most difficult visit to the vet together and said goodbye... she is still sprinkling ashes in his favorite places around the state... and that made for a challenging october... not easy for me either, he was a beautiful being very much part of me...

and then november came around with a sledge hammer to the forehead as i got two tickets on the way to work (a power tripping cop was trying to provoke more, which is a huge pain but meaningless compared to the next blow) on the way to work where i was "let go" (not a good day all around, to be as understated as possible) because i "was not a good fit" which is ultimately their way of saying they want to save money on my salary by leaving my position open for a couple of months which is a pattern with that organization so i am actually glad to be out of it though not having income is more stressful than ever... and this is why we have time to spend here babbling, you see?... you can thank good old corporate america if you are happy i am back (excuse the cynicism, but... i'll rant elsewhere some other time cuz i am not in the mood to give the madness attention at the moment, m'ok?)...

alas, feel free to send me job info if you are in the Orlando area... or money... money will be put to good use too (even as i laugh, it would be put to good use, really... like food and survival type stuff... forget the holidays, alas)... winning lottery tickets are very welcome as well...

yeah, so the timing of jackson moving out (won't be for another few months but it's coming) is added stress as the wallet needs a friend and roommate now more than ever and she is only recently starting to actually pay almost half rent consistently (and i pay everything else) and there's the car payment and well, money stress sucks... more than money stress is the lonelies... with jackson so in love, she's almost never home (cuz she had a very busy life working two jobs and doing church stuff and a bowling league and more before she fell in love and really, who can compete with falling in love after all {though as her best friend, i really am happy she is happy and am doing my best to help her focus on making the relationship work which includes keeping my mopey poor-me lonelies and sad about unemployment and going mad having nothing to do and no one to talk to most days to myself, so don't say anything, alright?} and i do understand and support her cuz that is what nest friends do... just when i needed her most, alas)... i'm pretty sure she doesn't read this or any of my online writings... not just cause she is way too busy, more cuz she just doesn't do the communication through words much... in that sense, she is yin to my yang, or my polar opposite... anyway, we get along so well i'm going to seriously miss her and finding another roommate as compatible may be quite the challenge, but hope, right?... gotta hope... optimism, it's all i've got left at the moment...

so what else is new?... softball is the shining star in life these days... here, see for yourself:

League----- Record .. Place/Rank ... RF ... RA ... RD ... ... Final Results
Monday-------- 9-2 ... . ... 1st ... . ... 145 . 82 ... +63 ... Champs
Wednesday--- 10-1 ... . ... 1st ... . ... 164 . 66 ... +98 ... Champs
Friday--------- 8-2 ... . ... 2nd ... . ... 132 . 69 ... +63 ... 2nd
Sunday------- 12-3 ... . ... 1st ... . ... 180 . 71 ... +109 ... Champs

Totals------ 39-8 ... . ... ... ... . ... 621 . 288 ... +333 ...

yeah, the distraction and pleasure of playing ball is the best part of life right now... unfortunately, the seasons are over... we won the league championship but each league (except Friday, go figure) has a championship tournament after the season too... thank goodness for softball as it is the only positive consistent spot in life these days and i definitely would be wallowing a lot more if i didn't have commitments to four teams out there each week... alas, that pauses now until january (withdrawals are already starting) and the holidays are coming... having no income sucks around the holidays... i do have one more weekend tournament in new orleans in two weeks... i almost pulled out of it but one of my teammates is paying my way (she is a blessing) so i can go... it is good to have friends... and friends i have not seen in many months and longer (because i was so buried in work and softball for the last couple of years) are popping up to get me out and feed me (two huge thanksgiving dinners last weekend with two families at the first and a couple of dozen people at the second were warm and fuzzy {even though i do not celebrate thanksgiving, but that's another story} and yay for friends)...

i could really use that cheerleader about now (save the cheerleader, save me :)

yeah, so anyway be it irony or coincidence, contrary to the silliness in the current daily blog called (e)thereal, in case you forgot, the last time i asked the world for a cheerleader here in this babbling place (when this babbling place was seeing entries much more regularly), jackson showed up... so maybe someone who can be a best friend will show up out of the blue in the next few months and raise my spirits and a job will be found and we'll live happily ever after... or maybe someone will adopt me cuz they want me to sing and write to them all the time... yup, and winning lottery tickets are welcome, in case you forgot... i don't play when i have income, so it's a joke... unless, of course, you just happen to have an excess of money in your life in which case i will happily take the burden off your hands (or help you spend it) and certainly buy you a burger next tuesday...

not much more to ramble on about in this actual real life catch up entry... i actually don't want to spend much time thinking about actual real life these days as the distractions in the more than daily blog (e)thereal will demonstrate (most silently) if you visit there... i ain't to proud to beg for attention these days... for what it's worth, i am writing a whole lot and not just there, the rhymes are flowing more and many of the written gardens are blooming (some rather strangely, but then, these are strange times as life is offering strange brews of ups and downs lately... ego strokes are welcome (and they don't cost anything, ya know)?... this entry may be brought over to this blog and expounded on in the usual babbling fashion one of these days because i am curious about you readers out there... i wonder... do i know any of you? :)

ah, the zinger comes right to the point in the end and hey, let's be real (this is behind the candoor after all), so please don't personalize the you in the last line of that last rhyme above... you, dear reader, are likely not the one i seek and romanticizing would be unfair to both of us... odds, probabilities, you know... there are hundreds of pages and more that will give you much more specific information about being compatible with me and that is where you should start if you think you might be the one, the real world... run the miles with me, physically, you need to be able to run ahead of me sometimes... and actualize the whole of john lennon's imagine just for starters... every word, every line, no mind games, no denial, no delusion, no compromise... and you live to save the world more than i do in every action, every day, every breath... again, that is just the surface, the starting point... the one will be a friend for a long time, forever is the beginning, before and after we find each other, so i'm gonna keep on hoping...

so it was a time for reflection again, apparently... and perhaps, a time for babble... though i must focus on the reality of finding income and not wallowing home alone so sitting and writing long hours every day is not wise... give me a reason... if anyone is out there reading, yay... let me know... and maybe i'll write some more here and there and many other places (not quite everywhere, aye?) and not just in (e)thereal (where i will continue writing daily and more, in case you want to keep up with me)... even if you don't care or reach out or want to know me, i hope life is smiling in your world because the more smiles there are, the better this world is... and the world can definitely get better... take care of yourself and those you love...

and keep hoping :)

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)