ok, I am still awake... not doing much of anything except sit here leaves all the energy this body can produce for the mind to use and the last thing my mind wants to do is sleep... I've been sleeping way too much in this life as it is of late... stagnating, even... a few years now... interesting how segments of time and changes appear directly proportional to age, as if the vehicle of change is slowing down, like the ability, desire, and motivation to take action diminishes and the patience that was never quite there in younger years shows up to aid in procrastination and malingering... hesitating and pausing... waiting and putting off...

and today starts a fourteen month lease that would be rather rude and irresponsible to skip out on, so any ethical change of venue would have to include an extra five hundred dollars a month above and beyond the living and travelling expenses any change would incur... that leaves out the poverty level choices like joining the Peace Corps or doing some sort of voluntary missionary work... the perils of taking on roommates and adopting family...

speaking of adopting family (as all the family I've ever known has been adopted), I suck at the daddy role lately... I mean, I let way too much time go by without calling or writing... I've always been this way to a certain extent (where have I heard that before, aye?), but I've become even less communicato with those who deserve it most in recent years... it boils down to one thing... not being in love... not finding the soulmate I came into this life to find... and the single-minded quest keeps me from wanting to face the people who know me best who will ask, "still looking?"...

maybe it is time to hit the road again, to wander and keep my eyes open as I live rootlessly... this staying in one place gig hasn't been panning out... I think it may be time to face the possibility that I am not what Floridian girls look for and I don't really want to be... so why in the heck did I tie myself into another fourteen months in the same place?... is that spelled r-u-t?... maybe... could be laziness and apathy and just general bs... in any case, the stupidity of the malingering is giving the character in my head who belongs in Douglas Adams books a good laugh...

life, how ridiculously brief to be taken so seriously...

and still I arrived in this life determined to make it the most profoundly intensely extremely coexistence it could possibly be... I think my trouble all started when I bought into my first fairy tale... whatever it was... it was the happily-ever-after part that bit my nipple... or somewhere... and I've lived this whole life disattisfied with all but that ultimate dream... sorta...

of course it could be just that I've been awake too long...

yes I am still awake, wide awake and dreaming singing wake me up inside and knowing I feign sleep so well nobody could see I am not actually sleeping so no one could wake me even if they could... there is the point and it makes sense if you find it, just don't let us get stuck upon it, a'ight?...

still awake, so very still...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)