yes, it was a uber-relaxing day... aside from cooking up a meatloaf (and the vegetarian in me cringes at the casual way I've readjusted to the meat eating world... sometimes being easily adaptable to the environment and people around me may not be the best thing, huh?)... I suppose waiting for someone with the habits I respect most to come along and save me from this mad mad mad mad world is a foolish decision, but then, I am still healing (not wallowing) and recovering (not stagnating) and rebuilding (not procrastinating) and...

I have been told that most people do not like to be mocked and have noticed that many people do not understand my irreverent sense of humor, but when I am told I should stop laughing at what I find amusing or that I should take things more seriously, I find the people usually telling me these things do not wish to explain why in any way that makes sense... kinda like they told Martin Luther to recant his opinions without telling him why... isn't that the story of Jesus too?... just conform... see things the way they have always been seen...

flowers are red...

but I know love it when I mock myself and I write to enjoy the process, so my writing is full of self-mockery (that's what's cooking in my kitchen... didn't you know?), especially when things I am doing are foolish or silly and deserve to be mocked... I know I love myself unconditionally, which makes it easy to laugh with myself at myself...

but when I take a serious look around me, well, I rarely like everything I see... in fact, the world and I have a very different view on how to live life... but I am not here to save the world, not really... if I could, I would, but I don't believe anyone can save anyone else... follow to enjoy someone else's journey, but do not follow because you are afraid to take your own steps, choose your own path, make your own decisions, or take responsibility for your actions (as most people do)... in the past I took initiative, I played leading roles... now I am a flower in my own small garden... I will bloom for myself first, and for you if you inspire me, or just ask nicely and honestly... kind of like the rose in Stephen King's Dark Tower... some can see me, hear me, feel me... some do not even know I exist... and that's ok by me...

and this is why I don't want to read the news...

better?...

ok, so I see things differently and I spend most of my time alone in this world because my perspective is not comfortable for most people... that's my experience in the interactive physical reality... everybody has their own illusion, their own belief system, their own bottom line... what I find most puzzling is why so many claim to be offended or hurt when not agreed with... why are so many so afraid of a different perspective that they get defensive to the point of playing victim (as if the different perspective was personally meant to hurt them... show me the sense in that?) or assuming an arrogant posture as if they can demand conformity through public pressure or humiliation or cohersion...

these thoughts were brought to you by Luther...

at least in part...

watching the film today (cuz it's still Precious's birthday weekend and she wanted to watch it with us) gave me a similar feeling as I get when watching Jesus Christ Superstar (which was one she chose for our viewing a couple of weeks ago)... I relate to the experience of having a dramatically different perspective on life and uncomfortably different ideas... and I can relate to the assumptions and judgments others make about how I and others are supposed to think and feel about things... most people, from my experience, profess to offer and strive to actualize unconditional love, but when it is time to actually do it, all sorts of conditions and expectations and unspoken demands come along... we love you unconditionally until you do not meet our conditions...

it's the kind of love I knew from parental people and family in this life... it's the kind of love I've know from most friends and every romantic relationship... and every time I meet someone knew I shake off the past as much as possible (it's gotten more challenging to do that in recent years, but I deal with that by pausing before reacting and waiting to see if the words match the deeds) and open my mind to the possibility that this person, the next new potential friend, might be able to actualize the unconditional love they offer... and repeatedly I find conditions or judgments, strings or demands... and ultimatums...

I've come to wonder if individual human beings are actually capable of actualizing unconditional love in the physical world... and I wonder if maybe that's why religions were created, so people do not have to face the test of actualizing the unconditional love in the physical world... it's for later, beyond this life... and maybe that proposition is not accurate either, but I do wonder...

so anyway, we watched Luther and I cooked a meatloaf and then came that last few minutes of The Wizard of Oz and a couple of favorite Twilight Zone episodes (specifically Eye of the Beholder and then most of Miracle on 34th St (the original with adorable Natalie Wood and the better script {full of old-fashioned wide-eyed corn} and irreplaceable memories, but then, those who see remakes of classic films before they see originals may have a very different perspective and we find that here in casa de candoor quite often, but that's another ramble for another day)... and we finish the evening off with this rambling here while a football game plays in the background (and Precious sits on the couch catching up on the weekend homework that was put off because, well, there are only a few birthdays a year after all, right?)...

and now it is time to shower and prepare for work, so I wish you peace and truth in your life and may you find and create truly unconditional love in all you do... may you find yourself truly without assumptions or prejudices or conditions or demands in all of your interactions... for you see (I hope), through my cynicism and self-mockery, I still dream we shall all find the strength and courage and faith in ourselves to use our free will to do our best and not cop out on the responsibility of living a good and harmless life... and somehow, in spite of my experience, I believe this is still possible...

and this is where I wandered this week...

and this is where I wandered this week...

and this is where I wandered this week...

and this is where I wandered this week...

and this is where I wandered this week...

and this is where I wandered this week...

and this is where I wandered this week...

and this is where I wandered this week...

and this is where I wandered this week...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)