and most of the time I just fail in my attempts to keep up with it... time, that is... imagine if I took failure seriously or if I was so afraid to fail I could not accept the possibility of failure... denial would be my only alternative... luckily, I am incorrigible and continue doing what I want to do no matter what (as long as it's as harmless as possible)...

I found these words in a file dated ages ago and may have uploaded these words somewhere before, but it's catch up time and these seemed an appropriate answer to time rushing past me... it just keeps slipping into the future, ya know?...

so I scramble to find the words to express another day in the life in black and white behind the candoor... for those of you who want to know, that's what this journal was once about and recently I've kick started it again...

sort of...

I mean to to express me, the real me, whatever the real me might be, as openly and honestly and completely and unconditionally and uninhibitedly and harmlessly (cuz I believe in harmlessness and honest love and honesty above all else and I strive to be true to my beliefs) as possible... and perhaps as a secondary goal, as entertainingly as possible cuz the whole point of being public here is to attract readers for feedback and attention and love (of course love, in an ideal world we'd all love each other and I'd sure like to live in an ideal world, wouldn't you?)...

I love attention (most of the time) and sure don't get enough in life offline these days, so I am here online rambling about this and that in the hopes that some of my rambles might be interesting or inspiring for you... maybe enough for you to say so (notes, comments, emails, guestbooks, plane tickets are all available, ya know)...

and I love it when you do...

I've got several journals... I've been writing since I could first hold a crayon and it's an addiction I've learned to live with (and love)... my primary website journal has been consistently behind (from two to six months at times) and I finally decided to come out to public journal sites in the hope that feedback here would inspire me to keep more up to date (and it has, here)... unfortunately my primary website journal is further behind than ever... seeing these words might just motivate me to start the catch-up process again...

of my other journals are, all but two are in various stages of sleeping (and I should be too, but writing comes before sleep in my world)... all of my journals are for different aspects of my personality or different interests... my heart has a journal, for instance, where it can pour out all of it's feelings without any thought to consequences... since it's fast asleep, nothing's been written there for a while... though my heart might make a cameo appearance in the two other awake (or semi-awake) journals (or here even)... if you want a map of my journal world or my web world or of me, you'll have to ask me to draw one cuz I haven't yet and since I haven't yet that means I haven't been inspired to so asking for specific directions might get you specific directions, but asking for a map might get you a smile and a link to this journal entry or this explanation that I don't have a map yet (are we smiling together or scratching our heads or both?)...

anyway, my name is actually candor and it's not just a name, it's my way of life/being... I see a motto in there somewhere (and I love to laugh at myself, especially when I sound pompous or official or seriously responsible or hoity-toity, or even when I sound morbid or depressed or wallowing in self-pathetic misery... yes, I do all of those things from time to time, doesn't everybody?)... I don't mean to let ego or insecurity (sometimes I think that's the same thing, only one is chocolate covered... hmmmm, ego as chocolate covered insecurity?... I'll have to make a note to talk to Freud and others about that, huh?) take over too oftem, but I do let everything and anything pass through me and come out in words from time to time... and ego does love to play chief-god-and-everything of all universes now and then... luckily I can trip the bugger nicely when I wait to come back down to reality, wherever that might be)...

but this time thing... I mean, I work (gave up being intependently wealthy for lent, or for love, or for some stupid reason I'll not get into today because it might depress me and I'm not in the mood to be depressed... yes, the path the words take, and the path you follow as my dear reader, is mostly at the mercy of my moods and whims... of course you could always turn off the set or change channels, but I'm hoping you don't)... yes, this time thing... so I work full time and I try to have a life of sorts offline (but not having a partner or significant other or kids to take care of today, I have a lot more free time than some people... I've been a stay-home nurturer parent and a go to work bread-winner parent and I must say, I much prefer the stay-home nurturer role... it fits my personality infinitely better that the professional world)...

but I digress, as usual... if you can put up with (or even enjoy) tangential parentheses (and the meandering thoughts and feelings they might lead to), then you might enjoy my longer babblings (this is still going to be brief compared to... well, I'll let you explore for yourself (at your own risk, of course... your sanity is your responsibility, dead reader, so don't blame me if reading mine drives you crazy... insert grin, and all that emoticon stuff here)...

digressing back from the previous digression, I do no seem to find enough time in each day to keep up with all the words that want to come out... so if I seem mentally constipated at times, it is not that I have nothing to say, it's that I have too much to say and not enough time to sort through the backlog at the tip of my tongue (or fingers, in this case... but then, what's a metaphor good for it not to rearrange ideas now and then... stay tuned, more mangled metaphors are bound to pop up in and ut of parenthetic meanderings)... and it's about time for something but dang it I remember what it is...

falling in love again? (song cue?)

perhaps it is time to catch up and update and actually start writing in the now again... and that's what this journal just might be about (am I actually organizing my thoughts for a preliminary map of sorts?... time will tell... dang that time is everywhere... maybe time is the real chief-god-and-everything of all universes?... anyway...)... the primary website journal is an anything goes (and it has) place for rambles, gambles, pre-ambles, and other things that don't rhyme with ambles... anything goes, that's the ticket... this candoor kind of replaced that one... the candora at diaryland journal is for sleep writing... dreaming... caring... optimism... catharsis of a positive nature... art... yes, candora is for the artist in me to express anything the artist in me might care to express... maybe... we're still working on what the candora journal is really all about... but it's there and current, at least, even though I refuse to put dates and times in it because art, after all, is meant to be timeless... or something like that... and then there's the mostlydead journal... depression goes there... morbid thoughts... self-pity... wallows in despair... maybe even some rants about this or that or whatever... ultimately, the point is to work through (blow up the dam, dammit!) the obstacles (laziness, old wounds, infected psyche, stupid habits, self-destructive tendencies, etc) that facilitate procrastination and encourage apathy to take on a religious stature...

there, that'll have to do for a preliminary map for now... the lifetimes, worklife, heartbeats, music, and any other journals not mentioned will just have to wait for another time because time has run out on this entry and I must go elsewhere to do other things because, yes, time is such a real fast sucker...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)