yeah, so I slept about five hours and came back to the thoughts of the previous entry and tried to find the feeling and release the energy again... I was running on pure adrenaline and some caffeine (Code Red) by the time I came here to write an entry last night and when the browser froze and took the entry with it, the bubble burst and it was sleep time...

now, back at about 80% (hey, five hours is not eight hours, you know?), I am comfortable with losing whatever was lost (even if it was the greatest entry I ever wrote, everything is transient and as the BeeGees sang (and covered more recently by Boyzone), it's only words... {one of my all-time favorite songs both lyrically and melodically and the melody is beautiful even in midi} and so, life {and rambling} and the love of life and music and the excitement of physically channeling music and letting it inspire me to take this body beyond it's limits and reach for runner's high again and let that free my mine to fly with my spirit {or anima or ka or self-energy whatever we shall call it} remains)...

a big shout out to Say Anything and yes, to the fans in Orlando who did rock last night better than usual and today is today and you can't really go back again so I'll enjoy the secondary afterglow (when the forest is not all you want it to be, sit down next to your favorite tree... because life is in the details)...

yeah... so I charged my new phone for the first time and it's so exciting to play with a new toy (you might not know what a techno-geek I am because I am poor, relatively speaking {I mean I know there are many around poorer than me [and I speak only financially] and most of the world is much poorer than me, but I sure can not afford all the techno gadgets I would own and play with if I had the funds} because I can not afford even a fraction of all the techie-toys I'd like to have, but I am definitely one of the most excited techno-geeks you will ever meet... one of the reasons I've paid $140 a month to keep my toys in storage for almost twelve years... insane for some, logical for me)...

and I am not dying (referencing a Say Anything song that asks a poignant question "What do the old people teach us but how to die ... ... ... and what do your hissy fits teach you except how to cry, pussy, cry?" that pushes the envelope a bit and challenges people of all ages to wake up and stop the waste and the unnecessary {and selfish} emo crap that has humanity spirally to extinction... of course I take it to extremes as that is what the creative mind does and why they call it art, for those who understand)...

I look around at my generation and wonder what happened to them (as a whole)... there was a feeling of Renaissance (and it was not just a "Fair" - it was the life enough people lived that we sometimes really believed the whole world was changing and evolving toward a higher enlightenment... that is how it felt at the time...

and now I look around and wonder, where are all of you dreamers and love-children today?... enjoying your material success, your Beemers and high-life and bling?... trading the walk on the wire for a lead role in the play?... giving up the better world for the fake success of the gold ring?... ah, but you are right and I am wrong because everybody says so and that gives you the right to laugh at fools like me who have nothing compared to you... you've got your sweet ride and all your surface pride and you won't be denied you've got god on your side, but don't look on the inside, no, don't look on the inside)...

stay awake stay awake survive...

you don't have to be nineteen (or younger) to understand, but more important, you don't have to be young in years to actualize... just take care of your body and reach for your best, stay in touch with the child inside and with the exhilaration of asking your body for more than you think it has to give... teach the doubter in your own head that you have it in your to live and not merely survive, to be and not merely spectate, and to do and not simply talk about it...

and what is this entry doing here?...

real life in RealTime�... stepping up (and out) and being me... enjoying life on my terms and not letting the down sides or the nay-sayers decide who I am or what I should do... it may mean more loneliness in some ways, but only in the personal physical sense... in a larger sense, when I am living at the energy levels I know as me, I am connected to so much more that loneliness is moot... and the reason I am alone is because I do not want to share physical intimacy with someone who is not at the energy level I know as me because I am not comfortable there because I am not me there... and I was reminded of this simple fact last night, in real life in real time...

when we got home last night we found that Rasputin cleaned up... the table and counters and kitchen and counters and floor is actually almost clear and semi-clean (he fried steak this morning so the new stove top is covered in grease, but for a little while last night it was a clean kitchen... if only he was not so addicted to fried meat (or he realized how much grease is left on everything in the kitchen when you fry meat a lot)... it is nice to sit in a less cluttered, mostly clean space for a change...

today shall be relaxing... two nights of concerts in a row (and last night taking it to the limits one more time) and another even louder and harder-rock concert tomorrow night after work makes the balance of a relaxing day today sensible... though I may head outside a while because I heard somewhere that this may be one of the hottest days on record around here and I love the heat and weather extremes (like I love roller coasters)... though I should probably do laundry... so that's where I am headed now and maybe by tonight some entries will appear behind the candoor...

I hope you reach for your peak experiences today if you did not yesterday... and don't let too much time pass between those reaches or you may forget how by forgetting you can and fool yourself into believing you can't... you can do anything you want, like me...

love your self and your day J

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)