it was a few days ago, or maybe just a couple (but then, time only matters when you must leave your love and at no other time is the relativity of time more evident, for each moment with your true love is an eternity that feels timeless, and each moment away from your true love is an eternity that feels like forever... but that's besides the point I think), I was remembering (and then some {if nothing else, remembering where I left off, and hoping that Justin Hayward was right, especially about when you wake up, specifically me, in this case}, I mean, if you got anything out of the last ten entries or so {and everything else, for that matter}, hopefully you got the I am daring myself to dig through some rather murky confusions to challenge everything ever known and to redefine myself and the life I lived, may have lived, and may still live... or something like that)... it is an extremely vulnerable time, internally, and if anybody interested does not understand I probably won't explain because explaining changes things and I will give no one that power for it is my life to live, after all, and during these times (that are kind of life re-writes, from one perspective), the vulnerability is such that any deviation from the path being drawn from moment to moment is a potential disaster... and you thought you understood something?...

sometimes I may be the only one laughing at myself, but that's ok...

I know some of you (speaking to humanity as I usually do when I use the word you without more specific references or links), perhaps most of you, live your life based on assumptions... and many of you believe so strongly in your respective assumptions that you take offense if someone peels away your illusions and exposes what you claim to know as fact as the assumption it is... I imagine it could get quite confusing for you, since you lose touch with what is real and go as far as demanding, in subtle and sometimes very obvious ways, others support your assumptions as fact because you and many others want them to be fact... I may do the same thing, probably do, though I think my illusions (in this case, assuptions I accept as fact) are quite different than most... but this was just another distraction (good one, huh?... want another?... well, further proof that humans are a strange lot)...

do any of you really expect to know (read: assume your belief is truth) when I am truly serious and when I am truly joking (not to mention differentiate between all the variations in between?... heck, I don't even know that much all the time (and how can anyone be sure when they are completely in touch with themselves and how much their subconscious is buring in their unconscious and what might be just fooling oneself?)... as if any of us could truly know everything...

I'll let you know when I do...

and you can decided how serious that last remark was, and so on... one thing you should not have missed, if you've come this far (and if you have not been paying attention, start now and remember you are responsible for your interpretations of your senses and not the world beyond your senses), is that I am not afraid of truth and welcome it with open arms... even if I do not like it... even if I do not want to believe it... even if it contracticts everything I want to believe... I do not translate truth or the facts of life into emotional pain... so if you follow me into my own illusions and self-analysis and self-confrontations (which is mostly what I do here, behind the candoor, between the lines and if you can see past the relatively constant distractions), you might find my ways too blunt for you... the black and white is not just about color or lack thereof, it is about truth-seeking...

and for all we know it could all be a dream...

I am still sleepwriting, after all... and maybe you just don't get it all the time... and maybe you just don't get it at all... but whatever you get, make the most of it... make it as positive as you can make it... for if nothing else is true, the desire to live as harmless a life as possible is my primary motivation as I seek truth...

I do not think I actually control my emotions (this may be a completely different thought, or not), I believe I accept my feelings without fear of losing control of my actions and without fear of losing myself...

but didn't you know?... I only tell you part of the story here... the links lead to the rest of the story...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)