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2004-10-03 - 6:45 p.m. reflections this entry probably belongs here or here, but... I sing in the shower, as loudly as I please. I did this for most of this life... I stopped during my homeless phase when I did not have a shower... I have not gotten back in the habit yet... roommates may have much to do with that, even though I know it shouldn't matter who's hearing/listening... it goes much deeper than that... I walk around the house in my pajamas and don't change unless I absolutely have to. yes... and when I lived alone, I wore nothing... I play the games on the adds that show up on webpages (yes, the ones that barrage you with a million annoying pop-ups if you click anywhere on or around them). I can't help it.. they're the only games I can always win. I don't have the computer power/space to keep security programs and scanner programs going on my computer and don't want to cookies and spyware and other crap some of those websites put on... but I am tempted... and probably would if I had a computer that could handle it... and the time... I like walking around my house in huge guy shirts.. and pretending they're not really mine. I have huge guy shirts... I listen to love songs and sing them as if my lover can hear me (cause you never know, he just might be able to hear me.. whoever he might be) yes... so very yes... I drink orange juice as if it's air. I used to, but switched to water... it's cheaper... and no carbs... I cry over books and music. yes... and movies... I always laugh out loud, even if no one's around to hear me because I crave the sound of laughter. yes... I love you. yes... ditto... I love you. I had no choice (in my mind, there was only this choice) but to copy this entry (that's what is in blue above) and respond to it here... it's also catching me in the right mood, for I don't feel compelled most of the time... she does it often... it was just too close in too many ways to not use as inspiration for an entry... especially since I do not do some of these things nearly as often as I used to (I last cried over a film the day before yesterday when watching It's A Wonderful Life for the gazillionth time... maybe it happens a few times a month these days)... I don't recall the last time I felt tears over a song or book... a book, maybe... but music... I left music behind (as I knew music) along with much of me when I put my heart to sleep (sigh)... and laughter... it happens inside a lot, but not as much outside... laughter is more precious than tears for me and letting it out often diminishes the feeling unless someone is sharing it... the sound of my own solitary laughter is sometimes as sad as the sound of one hand clapping... but then, I do giggle and squeal outloud a lot... too much for most... and there's the sign (smiling) that the child inside is still alive and well and couldn't care less who might be listening or watching... yay... everything written touched me as words I could call my own, but starting off with singing in the shower... that laid me out, rolled me over, and curled me up like a ball... I used to write things like a day without singing is a day without breathing... I don't breath these days... heck, I barely ever sigh... alas... sheesh this is sad... that is good... when I get near these moments, when the stagnation rises to the surface consciousness and I face it, it's usually about time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again... and all that jazz...
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