wow, did a whole week drive by and shoot me?... more than a week?... let's see, it says in the previous entry that it was 5/27, once... and looking up, it says today is 6/5... 28, 29, 30, 31, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5?... is that nine days?... omigosh, how did I do it?... I mean, I thought I was totally addicted to coming here every day and rambling on to you because my whole life was empty and meaningless and imagining that you were real and cared gave me the sense of meaning and worth missing from my day to day life... could I have been wrong?... could I have been fooling myself?... could I have been mocking myself?...

ummmmm...

ok, I know my life has meaning, I help people, I give love in professional ways all the time... I make a difference, just a little, in the lives of a few people every day and a few dozen people, at least, every week... meaningful?... I can hope so... and personally, that's good... even if the personal private intimate moments of being alone with my own dreams (selfish time) is not shared and aches for attention and nurturing and sharing, my life is not meaningless... so there (I stick my tongue out at my self-doubts and in the general direction of pity)...

errrrr...

ok, so I do mock myself to hide my loneliness and sadness about the delay in the coming true part of my dream of sharing everything in blissful romantic passion with the one perfect soulmate partner in this life who was meant for me and only me... sigh, and alas...

and sometimes I do distract myself with the distractions and food crumbs and bug food so readily available everywhere I look, including my living room and living spaces... and certainly I do find much fault with human procrastination and apathy and waste and destructiveness and negativity and stupidity and ignorance and do a fine job, if I do say so myself, of imitating human behavior myself thank you very much with all the self-directed sarcasm I can muster... silly, huh?... not silly ha ha, but silly what a waste of time, duh, doh, dumb...

so maybe I took some time off from here, unintentionally as I did not plan it, to renew my batteries, to refocus my positivity, and to leave behind the whiny pathetic complaining crap I had been sliding into...

and maybe I've returned too soon, huh?...

ahem...

so where were we before we were so rudely interrupted by my literary throught clearing?... finding my way back into the comfort zone that brings me here to write to you every day even when I have nothing to say or feel dumb or meaningless or worthless or dumb (did I say dumb already?... ok, so stupid, I feel stupid sometimes too)... it's ok though, because that's the insecurity inside just coming to the surface and oozing out kind of like a pimple or boil (hey, insecurity is not supposed to be pretty or appetizing, ya know?) that is just begging for someone to care enough to love me in spite of the ugly super-zit pulsing and glowing out of my forehead or nose or somewhere equally as prominent (like a pulic diary, perhaps?)...

oh wow, you're here to help me pop a zit?...

now that's love...

I may be ridiculous sometimes (ok, often, even), but at least I am real... even when I am mocking and biting the tongue in my cheek, I am just being me as well as I can be in words... and for those of you occasionally embarrassed for me, I say... "I don't have time to be embarrassed, so thank you for doing it for me"...

does it seem more formally humorous with quotes and italics?... well, it's the truth, even Lily Tomplin in the big chair she sits in with her tongue out know is... I promise I will try not to spit on anybody though...

maybe it was writer's block?...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)