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�2006 Candor Communications
2005-11-30 - 11:01 a.m.
points of departure (file-dump)
ordinarily this date, that is the date at the top of the entry, not the date this is being uploaded, or written, for that matter, which would be more than three different dates, when the truth be discovered, if ever, at least, is a very heavy time for me... an anniversary of the single most life changing event of this life so far... and yes, it is still better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all...
if you've never given your all, everything, and more to the belief in another person so that you felt the need that was more important than life or death or anything, then you know what I mean...
it is a point of departure, a moment when you leave yourself behind and become part of everything and something much bigger, the energy that connects everything (there is deeper logic than I can explain in that concept, and more faith than life can hold)... I've known a few points of departure in this life, those rare moments when everything changes and there's no going back... revelations, deaths, irreparable losses, unmentionable experiences, ups and downs that few people ever experience in this life...
points of departure, when you are ready to die...
when you found a reason to live...
I am pretty certain that most of this entry was already uploaded somewhere in the last month or two, but even if it's cheating I'm going to put all the snips and blurbs I've found in my current babbling files together in one place and that place is right here... maybe it'll make more sense than it did the first time around (or maybe it'll be more pathetic than it was), we shall see as we read...
what can be said in ten minutes (I remember waking and sitting down at the computer and seeing that I had to leave for work in ten minutes and I had not eaten so i pondered food and realized)... I have been eating rather haphazardly of late... definitely not thinking and going on pure impulse, which is lacking in wisdom and health consciousness... tonight salad (with dressing) and baked potato (with butter and sour cream) and a candy bar... this morning cheese wiz on ritz crackers... last night, a meatball sub...
and what I did last night, instead of writing, was get lost in a game that I think is called DX-Ball 2, at least the demo version that just happens to be on this computer and being an addictive game player when I find a game I enjoy (I always liked the pong-based games, not as much as the sports based games, but a lot), I am addicted... that's why I don't buy a Playstation, because I'd get the college football dynasty game and play for days and days and days and never get any writing or anything else done...
ah, an advanced gaming system and EA Sports NCAA College Football...
ok, I'm back from dreamland...
on the other hand it is such fun for me and it's not as if I've got any thing else other than the narcissistic babbling to do in my free time... so maybe treating myself to a few months of marathon playstaion football is just what I need to keep the kid in my bouncing around and jumping for joy and eager to play more games even as I otherwise just tell the poor kid to be patient and be good and watch TV and write babbling banana brained bobbly-boop (which amuses the kid too, but variety is the spice of life and good for the head and psyche so maybe... hey... is this the kid talking disguised as me?)...
the budget director and I will just pretend the previous paragraph never happened, especially not the parentheses... sheesh, no wonder the kid gave it all away a few times... it's fun, but working to get it all back takes way too much time (but half the fun of the balancing act is the possibility of the fall (did I ever tell you that one of my favorite things to do on Cape Cod and in California was to dive off sand dunes and free fall/roll all the way down to the bottom... some dunes let you roll right into the ocean out west... I miss that)...
I miss so many things...
sigh...
maybe it's time to join the tragic comedy (at least it should be to my mind) that is unfukd, the place where virgins are reborn and go to confession... look at all my trials and tribulations... or at least look at the results...
but I'll never know until I try again
the trouble is making love in this life takes another lover
and these days I don't have one of them
I must be a little crazy to get this joke
wondering
are these the saddest words anybody ever spoke?
tragic comedy?...
there's always hope...
ok, now that I am out of the closet, so to speak, I could discuss sex, or the lack thereof, and the reasons for my abstinence (or is it celibacy?... where's the sex dictionary?), whether it is intentional or unintentional, and all the intimate details including sexual fantasies and pervisions and fetishes and deviations and all the things that titilate search engines and most of the rest of us, but I won't...
at least not this entry...
stay tuned, you never know when the subject might come up again when I am not merely patching together bits and bytes from rambling files (so blame the file dump)... but at least I'll look at the question why unfukd?... I do love sex, just in case you wondered, but I am so particular about my partner that you might call me a sexual snob (one of the only areas in life where I am not completely wide open to sharing anything with anyone, but still way too honest for everyone I've ever met so far)... the bottom line is I do not enjoy sharing this body when I do not feel comfortable in this body and that is where I'm at today, not comfortable in this body...
start again...
I mean, now that you know my deepest darkest secret, that I am a closet sex snob, you might now want to know more... but just in case you do (and are laughing right along with me), let's see what the files dumped out next...
catching up on the last (how many years?) is a little like trying to breath in while breathing out, remembering what I'd rather forget is a slippery task... like swimming upstream or running against the wind, it is trying to do something just not in my nature... I am a happy child inside regardless of what is going on around me and I instinctively focus on the positive energies and experiences in my environment and in my mind... that's a survival skill I learned with my first breaths and honed it consciously once I was able to understand conscious choice...
but everything in my experience has brought me to this moment to be the person I am, so for anyone truly wishing to know me, I make some effort to record the influential events and experiences I've known... even when they are better forgotten... and I do have a few, at least, memories better left forgotten (if I ever forget)...
I remember too much, therefore, I am too much, I think...
ah, my warped sense of most everything has me smiling (laughing so hard that I cry or is it patient acceptance, Jewish or Buddhist?... Burns or Allen?... Id or Ego?... Hope or Crosby?... Ding or Dong?... Dasher or Dancer or Comet or Cupid or... whatever does it mean?) as the meaning is sent off into obscurity for final jeopardy... the enigma wrapped in the riddle wrapped in the fortune cookie wrapped in the luck of the draw at the end of the rainbow and many many other cliches... there really is no hope for me, sometimes...
but it's really pretty simple... take me as I am, especially as I am poor without material wealth, with the realness of poverty in this consumer culture, without the burning desire to accumulate stuff, live materially rich, or compete with others for status or fame or fortune or any superficial ego trips or socio-economic recognition or power...
and then we'll decide what we want to do from there...
if, even if it just a thought buried in your subconscious, you come into a relationship with any wish to change your partner, you are wrong... but most people just can't help themselves... under the guise of compromise the subtle suggestions are planted, the gentle modifications in habits are seductively made to appear necessary for continued peace and prosperity (or at least carnal bliss)... if we'd only be honest with each other, more relationships might last and be more satisfying... the compromises must begin within ourselves...
anybody remember already reading most of that so far?... I mean, except for the p[arts I just added today?... well, I'm interjecting for a moment to ponder my navel and suggest that you don't throw tomatoes if you're bored... throw words, instead... berate or bemuse, but be here now for wherever you are, you are there... and one day, perhaps yesterday or maybe a few weeks ago or more, I was here:
the writing bug never goes far, but lately it's definitely been nudged out of the primary focus on my mind by the game bug, which is a sure sign of boredom and since there's little happening in my day to day life other than listening to my roommates and work, I must be bored with myself... this is not the best state of being to be being in, to say the least madly... primary contributing factor would probably be lack of exercise... that drops the energy level and increases the fat volume and therein dampens the spirit and imagination... that's not to suggest that fat lazy people lack imagination or spirit, that's just to say that is how it works for me in this body....
your body may experience different results in life...
inconsistent sleep pattern is the primary contributing cause to lack of exercise, as I use the wisdom of the body requiring rest in order to sustain worthwhile exercise (or risk damage or worse) against any will there might be to exercise (and there isn't much of that lately)... and the primary contributing cause of lack of sleep may just be working the night shift and not having a life partner...
I'm bored with the self-analysis...
that's why, I suppose, most of my entries of late are based on my browsing... maybe... once upon a time I created a diary that was meant to be where all my entries that were primarily based on browsing were stored... I called that diary browsing (aren't I clever)... thing is, I don't put any entries there... I just keep piling the entries up here in this daily life diary even when the entry is not about daily life at all... this would reflect my relative lack of meaningful daily life outside of the browsing I do (online and offline, if we can call listening to my roommates and listening to people at work {which is my job, after all} browsing, which I do, in this case)...
before I forget, there is a browsing diary for you, in case you didn't know it... I created it the same day I created my own browsing diary and called it browsings (it was a clever day, no doubt)...
nobody noticed...
it's bound to catch on and become the web's most interesting depository of links to sites worth visiting we've ever known... any day now... I know, I am amazingly hopeful given my track record in this life... I just thought it would be a great idea (and way to plug your diary, but who'd wanna do something like that, aye?) if we'd all pass on the great sites (funny, silly, serious, intense, creative, dumb, whatever) we find in our travels in one place where we can all participate... whether you're shy and just want to share a link or whether you feel like babbling on and on about why everyone should go check out the site or sites that you linked, I hope you take a moment or few to pop an entry into browsings... the welfare of the internet is in your hands...
yeah, I am just so full of enthusiasm tonight...
full of something, that's for sure...
alas, what do you do with or to yourself when you are bored?... heck, I'm even bored of mocking myself and my boredom... now that's seriously bored... not just your run of the mill boredom here, no sirree... where in the world did a word like sirree (or is it siree?) come from anyway?... a specific language or just the slang mocking of a street jargon from some bygone era?... well, bygones being bygones (maybe that's the trouble, that bygones aren't quite bygones yet, at least not the bygones they ought to be, need to be, bygone, I need the bygoniest bygones going, bygonia), I could tell you about my roommates cuz they seem to have developed rather exciting lives in the last couple of months...
but first I'll just interject that I recall mentioning somewhere, in comment or on some list, that I rarely get bored... the reason I still thing that I rarely get bored is that you see here what happens when I get bored... I busy myself with words and distract myself with others and find myself, in the end, far from bored... sometimes, even amused... anyway...
we now return you to our unscheduled file-dump already in progress...
a couple of days ago Precious came home beaming and it turned out it was because it was her second anniversary with her new boyfriend, that's two months... go Precious... he's a quiet shy genius type, nose to the books and plays trumpet in the school bands (marching, orchestra, and so on)... a likable guy who's got more house rules and earlier curfews and more parental supervision than Precious, which is always a good thing to look for in a boyfriend, from her dad's perspective at least...
so Precious has a love life, but it's not all happy happy joy joy in Precious's world these days... for weeks now her best friend has been whining and complaining and using all the manipulative tricks known only by the great Shamen of the old tribes, the monks of Tibet, and very spoiled only-children who are certain the whole world revolves around them and they wants to keep it that way... the drama gets intense sometimes and it's spilled over into our discussions at home and most recently, other friends are starting to intervene... Precious flips back and forth from feeling the sadness that only comes from the feeling of losing one's best friend to the anger that comes from feeling betrayed by said best friend... the friend chooses to do nothing that Precious wants to do, no involvement in the extracurricular school activities that Precious and all her other friends love so dearly... all the dreams they shared last year of doing all those activities together seem to be forgotten by her friend who stays home and sleeps and watches TV and gets on the computer instead of getting involved in any activities...
and she lays great guilt trips on everyone...
so everyone who sees what is going on is trying to convince Precious that it's not her fault that she is growing and maturing and has many interests and there's little that anyone can do about her friend choosing to lag behind in social development... the girl has four iPods and yet not enough songs to fill one... I asked if she was thinking of growing more ears... she gets them because they are cute and status and her parents seem to be willing to say yes to anything she asks...
hopefully Precious is figuring out for herself (cuz no advice means as much as self-revelations) that true best friends do not lay heavy guilt trips on their best friends when their best friends fall in love and get a boyfriend... and true best friends do not lay guilt trips on best friends who are involved in many activities they planned on joining together just because their best friend followed through and joined and they were too lazy or scared to get involved... and true best friends share happiness with each other...
these are the days of our lives...
updating the news on Precious, as I probably mentioned, boyfriend dumped her the night before Thanksgiving, planning it for that holiday eve, probably so he wouldn't have to face her for at least five days... real sweet guy... we made the best of it and she was good as new by the next week... and now, we continue with the past you've probably already read...
not to be left out, Rasputin has his own romantic dilemma... last night was one month with a new girlfriend who is already setting a date for an engagement dinner... that's traditional, she says, where she comes from... the families of the couple arrange a dinner where the couple pledge to marry... kind of fast work for me, but then, I've never been one who has much respect for needing a government or religious stamp of approval for love... I think it's a bit fast for Raspy too...
but it's not that simple (as if that is simple, huh?)... Raspy's heart is in a long distance friendship with a girl he writes to at least twice a week... she's from another country and their letters must be translated (he pays the service charges for an agency that does that sort of thing)... they've been corresponding for years and he visited her for a week a couple of years ago... so the poor boy is torn, you know, he's all out of shape...
the bird in the hand or the bird in the bush?...
updating Raspy's love life, nothing's changed... that's both good and not so good since indecision when courting more than one lover can lead to major disaster, but he's having fun being the playboy of the western world, so we shall see how it plays out in time... we did renew our lease, so he's not moving in with the new girlfriend anytime soon... and the far-off love has not been written off... maybe he's saving for another trip overseas to bring her here... or maybe he's just going with the flow... working a lot makes that easy cuz there's little time to think... anyway, back to the file-dump now...
I don't know, but my roommates certainly have more interesting lives than I do these days... I didn't even mention Raspy's f-buddy who visits once in a while when she's horny enough, but stays very much to herself and doesn't like to be around other people otherwise... oh what tangled webs we weave...
well, they do, at least...
so maybe I could start filling entries with ribald tales of lust and passion (is that redundant enough yet?) and geometric relationships of the roommates at casa de candoor... if Raspy decides to go one way or another with a deeper commitment, then they won't be my roommates for too much longer (and then what?... who knows, I'll probably put myself out on the market for another roommate situation since rents are high and income is low and a roommate will keep my hermit-nature from consuming any life I might develop by accident one day...
anybody interested?...
there's always the relocation idea, but then, I'd talk to Raspy and Precious about that before I pondered moving far away because who knows, one of them might actually want me around a bit longer (are we family, or are we memorex?... always the question I ask of myself when I've grown close to people because, as you may well know if you've read here for a while, I have no biological family, never did, and I've never known family that stayed around so I'm not exactly sure how a family is supposed to behave... so I just love everyone unconditionally as family and anyone who makes an effort to stay close gets adopted for as long as they want... we don't have any sort of traditional dinner ceremonies though... at least not for a very long time)...
so much tongue in cheek (who's tongue?... what cheek?... oh no, not sex again), one wonders if I am ever truly serious even when I am truly serious...
but we all know (or should) that appearances can be deceiving... I've always wondered what it would be like to truly need someone again, to feel emotions that are not choices, to believe in bonds that are made by fate or destiny or biology or something beyond our control...
how's that for a point of departure?...
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