do drinking habits really follow horoscope patterns?... well, I can thank my dear angel (who has a heart to match her name) for this pondering moment... and perhaps the party last night where I considered chamical additives (but as usual, decided against it... for the usual reasons... and you might not know the usual reasons so maybe I should explain, but first I'll finish this paragraph, ok?) helped me find the pondering inspired by the entries I caught up on over there (I wish I could help, but then, I've given up most of that ability in recent years and in turn leave myself wanting for something more often than not, but it's part of the experience I want in life and there's another tangent for another paragraph, or time)... ok, simply (yeah right, me?), I wander around DLand a lot and often find words that inspire me to care about the writer behind the words and I am no longer amazed that many times I find she has gotten there first with word-love and meaningful caring... I think there are few people so supportive and beautiful at DLand... so there, I've embarrassed us with emotion and it feels worderful (wonderful too and that was truly an unintentional typo, which is a giggling smile)... in all seriousness, I wish I could at least give a hug made by two arms...

ah, that felt good...

so let's see, moving along in my mind, I eluded to chemical additives and more specifically, why I don't play with them in this body much anymore... a few thoughts rise... first, I do not remember a time when I was unaware of the physical activities going on inside this body... I think that is because I explored this body at a very early biological age, I mean, I listened to my heart beat and blood flow and muscle/bone, digestive, and other internal movements and interactions probably since I was in the womb... my first memories include a natural acceptance of an awareness of what was happening under my skin... and everything I put into this body, starting with food, presented a specific (and usually different) internal reaction...

I was also aware of, on a semi-conscious level, microscopic players in this physical experience... I could (and can still) feel bacteria and various germs trying to make a home for themselves in this body... usually, if I get sick, it is because I ignored my awareness long enough to give the bugs a foothold, probably because I was feeling sorry for myself about something and wanted to wallow a while and what better way to excuse wallowing than to allow the body to get sick... I don't pretend to have any sort of god-like control over the physiological processes we call life (or this body, for that matter), but I do have more awareness of what's going on inside than I even give myself credit for or allow into my consciousness most of the time...

I can depress the awareness through laziness and the recent return to regular daily exercise is reminding me how easy it is to repress and suppress and at least temporarily forget... I think that is what happens to most people... I think every one is born with the potential for much more awareness than we exhibit or actualize as grown people, but for whatever reason (fear, laziness, conformity, whatever) most people turn it off, ignore it, write it off, and just forget...

anyway, I was always aware that anything I put into this body had the potential to do many things and even take my mind places I had no intention of going (for better and worse)... so when I was exposed to alcohol and other drugs I was at once excited by the potential and cautious about the dangers... I spent more years than I can clearly remember exploring and experimenting with chemical additives... each provided a different experience and I treated each as a potentially lethal wonderland... primarly, my enjoyment came from sharing the experiences, the highs, but I always explored any high at least one all by myself so the only influences on the experience was the chemical, the body's reaction, and my imagination...

maybe it is because they all got old after a while, but I lost interest in all of the artificial highs... alcohol was one of the first to lose my interest, mostly because of the unpleasant side effects (but also because I am a non-conformist and I do not find enjoyment in doing things everyone else is doing just because everyone else is doing it... I would make a very poor lemming)... marijuana was my favorite drug of choice by far, with the LSD family coming in second and qualudes coming along right behind hallucinagens... I've tried just about everything at least once and most chemicals at least a few times... the scientist in me has to experience everything for myself, ya know...

my choice to leave chemicals behind isolates me all the more, especially since alcohol is about my least favorite drug and it is the predominent social conduit for humans who are out there trying to find interactions, relationships, and active sharing... for every chemical free public social gathering place out there I can find a hundred, maybe a thousand public social gatherin places based around alcohol... and I am a firm believer in to each his own (or her), so I don't fault anyone for their chemical choices... but sharing is the point...

and aside from the few experimental uses of each drug I could find for my own personal knowledge and experience base, I rarely consumed any mind or body altering chemical unless it was to share the experience, to share the high with someone else... so hanging with people drunk or otherwise under the influence of drugs is like talking apples and oranges (and usually far more different perspectives than two fruits)... after all, who is out there wanting to share the natural high of life every night?...

I am no fanatic "say no" kind of guy and I would probably explore sharing virtually any chemical with someone if the person (first) and circumstance was appealing for me... but the person definitely comes first and to explore the intimacy of altering consciousness, sober intimacy would have to come first for me at this point in this life... trust, as much as possible, most of all...

so those are the usual reasons, explained as well as I find the words at the moment, for my usual choice to pass on the usual party favors... but back to my original question (at least for this entry), I sometimes wonder if horoscopes truly give accurate representations of people based on their time of birth... I mean, isn't it all based on some arbitrary concepts, a specific calendar (what makes this calendar any more accurate than any other?) and specific mythological cultural references... I also think that there is a tie in to ancient religions, sacred female spiritualities, and superstitions (or theories, or knowledge, depending on your perspective) about animals and gods and prehistoric histories and all sorts of stuff... of course I may be connecting too many threads for common acceptance, but I am the one pondering here after all...

is this how an Aries mind is supposed to work?...

and what if I do not know my exact date and time of birth, what if I was born without records and have no biological family or proof that I was born under any particular astrological sign... can the cart be placed after the horse and still get us anywhere on this path?...

I accept the paperwork offered by my first adoptive parents as identity papers, even though they were legally changed and several different names and dates appear on various copies... so when asked, I usually just claim all the benefits and deficiencies attributed to Aries without all this pondering and additional information (when someone asks, "how are you?" do you think they really want to know all the details?... I think the same can be said for the expected answers to the questions like "who are you?" and what's your sign? and so on)...

so anyway, after reading the horoscopes about drinking habits I got to wondering about what kind of drunk I am (and will I ever find out again) and that lead me to think about other chemicals and social interactions and, well, this entry happened... personally, I think that behavior under the influence of anything depends on the same thing that behavior depends on anytime, mood... in a good mood, everything turns out better... in a bad or depressed mood, there's always more chance for a bad drunk or a bad trip... maybe it's because people are not so aware of their internal chemistry or moods that the effects of alcohol and other chemicals come as such a surprise for them... maybe the constant state of repression and denial and inhibition blinds them to themselves and they need chemicals to give them the courage or excuse to remove the blinders and get more in touch with their deeper desires and feelings... but that's sad (and maybe insane) when i think about it... I mean, to find inner clarity we distort our sense and perceptions and ability to reason and feel?...

well, just for the fun of it with the right person, I say yay, bring it on, let's get wasted... but as a social routine it's a form of suicide I do not particularly want to do... even if I am so lonesome I could die... and even if I am curious about horoscopes (but it did give me something to ponder and write about and leaves me grinning, so what more could I have asked for today?... oh shaddup, I know, a lot more... we can't ever atisfy this kid, can we?)...

leaving you with self-mocking giggles and sincerely caring smiles (and a hug with two arms), I hope your day is wonderful (and worderful) no matter what your horoscope or anything or anyone might have to say...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)