this will be another entry of odds and ends as I clear out my files (mental and computer) because if I don't do this once in a while, I have a whole lot of clutter in my files (and that's not a good thing)... sometimes some of what was left in my files was already part of another entry and I saved it for one reason or another (usually to remind me of something that I forget even with the reminder, so putting it here might help me remember some other time if I ever read my own diary and I hope to, someday, with the one... but you know that already if you visit here even semi-regularly)...

I appear to want to remember my space blog (along with other influences randomly linked here and now, here again... maybe there is a method to my madness... let me know if you have any idea just what it might be...

sometimes, however, the method is simple and easy to spot... for instance, the following note I wrote somewhere (and I forget where) was as much to me as to the person I for whom I left the note... the feeling I was referring to was missing music...

I know the feeling well... actually, 1994 was the last time I saw or updated that CD collection... most of it is in storage... I started again a couple of times, but unfortunate events made those dissappear, so now I start again... I may get the stuff put into storage out this year... that would be a cause for celebration

and for the last six months or maybe a bit longer, I've been rebuilding my music collection (and slowly putting music back into my head through my ears, though still not actually living breathing feeling singing the music as I once did... that apparently will require more healing or falling in love again, whichever comes first), which is a very good sign because without music I am barely alive...

the guy I live with has such typical guy habits it is not wonder lots of women choose to be lesbians (at least some choose, that is)... it would be amusing if it was not for the unhealthy habits and addiction to Diet soda (64-100 ounces a day on average)... he orders pizza for dinner a few times a week and as I type this he piles some on his hand, puts it down on the coffe table and eats whatever doesn't drop to the floor or wherever while staring at the TV, oblivious to all else... he sits back and nods off, farts a few times, then after a half an hour nap sits up and eats some more pizza... and a few more farts...

I suppose that was my way of remember what it's like living with Rasputin so I can look back affectionately when I finally find my soulmate and start living the life I was born to live instead of this transient wandering through other people's lives in the happily ever after waiting room...

and I found this message to someone in Toronto:

all you had to do was marry me, but for reasons you never did make clear, you chose not to, so you lost me... maybe blamed me for not being strong enough to stay with you, but you used me up until I had no more to give and discarded me, rather than just telling me the whole truth... but then, you said that is what you did, how you interacted with people, who you really were... I didn't want to believe it, but it proved out to be true... I thank you for telling me that truth, if no other...

I found this reminder to myself about updating my online writings: I know that people used to come around to this place a whole lot more when I was updating regularly...

alas, am I asking for too much to want friends who would tell me and forgive and laugh about the folly of imperfect memory?... ah, what should I expect today if not a lament of the heart longing for someone to trust and depend on unconditionally all the time...

and I am still living partnerless, but hey, like I said on V-Day... stay positive, stay optimistic, stay hopeful...

One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words. ~ Goethe

and something vital to remember if you intend on doing anything truly meaningful in this life that gets out to the press:

"Laurel and Hardy, that's John and Yoko and we stand a better chance under that guise because all the serious people like Martin Luther King and Kennedy and Gandhi got shot." ~ John Lennon

and I still search for my Yoko... in the meantime, I try to enjoy the moment and share the beauty and love and passion and truth I find in myself and everywhere...

"The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise." ~ Alden Nowlan.

something so beautiful that words could never describe or express the vision of pure happiness the feeling is magic I guess how it comes to impress passion and pure egress freedom beyond this life how to say every tear and hurt disappears as fear fades away...

today I hope you dance from your heart...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)