there was not time today to write an entry... after work, we went to TooJays for lunch, or maybe dinner (while everyone else ate breakfast) and then to Borders for a chocolate chip cookie and to talk about the group project we've been contemplating (and drawing up on paper and practicing a few times a month)... and then I came here and opened this box and promptly nodded off with the laptop on my lap... it kept me warm here in the big green chair as the temperatures have been dropping around here of late...

I just woke, moderately refreshed, and found impulse to visit a favorite writer who inspired me to actually write a letter that felt quite good to release (words which will find it's way online one of these nights, yes, one of these crazy lonely nights)... here's an excerpt (leaving out a couple of rhyming lyrical poem things and lots of other juicy bits, but then, you don't want to read my intimate personal correspondences, do you?.. is this a proper teaser?):

so maybe I just need a good cry, a cathartic mourning of more losses... maybe that will rebuild the tower of trust and hope that is crumbling at my core...

a person I can imagine as a friend who might understand three key aspects of my personal experience in this life...

the euphoric bliss of being
the insatiable hunger to share
the unbearable loss of faith

the first is an experience any child can know if awareness wakes up early enough in life, before the grown-up fears and insecurities and pressures to comform become more dominant than the inner playfulness and friendliness and happiness and love...

the second is an experience any child can know as well if the consciousness of being in physical body wakes up before the grown-up fears turn off the senses and turn pleasures and passions into guilt-ridden anxiety and repressed confusions...

and the third I wish on no one for it is an experience of being betrayed by the unconditional love and trust and belief placed in another person (place or thing, for some) and can be loss of anyone real or spiritual, but words can not express the emptiness and helplessness of the feeling that is left behind when that person (entity) is no longer there for what is actually missing is the trust and faith in self...

. . . skipping ahead . . .

and the questions rise... can I find the it all again?... can I dare to trust unconditionally again... can I dare to depend on something outside of myself to be there... can I dare to believe in the trust and faith I place in someone else again?...

. . . and a bit later . . .

and I live through daily life looking around... believing I am still open to sharing... believing I am still actively caring... caring is my profession and I am told I do it well... I feel I do... I see results, tangible physical proof in my interactions with others, every day... and I can still cry and laugh and itfeels as geniune as ever, though not as deeply shared and not nearly intimate... I live each day believing I am open to love and trusting again...

and yet I am alone...

. . . and several paragraphs later . . .

so it is rare that I meet someone who inspires me to believe they are a soulmate... or just someone who truly turns me on...

. . . and several paragraphs later . . .

I want to share more of the positive, the hopes and passions and dreams... but most of the time sharing takes others outside of myself, so I put my writings on the public web for anyone to see and hope someone will relate, maybe understand, maybe find me...

after all, people in daily life seldom have the time or interest to sit down and listen to all this... I wonder if anyone would read it if I put it on a T-shirt and wore it around all day... maybe if I could put it into a few words...

available for intimacy

searching for a soulmate

soulmate in waiting

half of the perfect couple
(other half missing)

I think it's time to find a custom T-Shirt shop...

that's a tease (I'm horrible, huh?)... the full letter will appear somewhere someday (maybe this weekend) and I'll link it here (cuz that makes sense to me) and you can read it as you wish...

and then I went here because I was going to use her link to hop over to LJ to spellcheck the letter, but instead I read this and melted into an puddle of helpless understanding so I tried to put that into a couple of notes (here's one a few of us might relate to):

sheesh, relating is sometimes less fun that the numb, but you remind me that waking up, no matter how unpleasant the experience we find upon waking, is much better than sleeping a life away... I wish there was an easy answer or simple cure, but all I can offer is an understanding hug and a smile of far off friendship (and a couch, don't forget the couch) and hopefully a few laughs (even if a few fall into the misery loves company category, huh?)... if all the words I read are meerly my illusion of who people are and how the world may be out beyond the realm of my mind, then thank you for helping to make my illusion beautiful and meaningful... may we find this literary hug inspires a smile and a little comfort and most of all, inspiration to continue fueling the fires of passion and hope in our lives on and offline... and now, let's dance! (or just be silly and laugh cuz it's fun to realize we are not alone when we find understanding in someone else's tears)... hug J

there is obviously more inspiration to follow (and of course, it relates to the time of year and memories)...

and...

so anyway, I came here to fill this box without enough time to write an entry and this is what you get... I am running late for work now, so I send you good thoughts and warm hugs and hope that you find peace and pleasure and much happy-happy-joy-joy in your life tonight...

and thank you for reading...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)