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2003-12-11 - 4:06 p.m. not dead yet where were we?... we?... well, I can hope, but where was I?... coming back from the back end of a horse?... or out of my own?... maybe this will shed a little light on things, or maybe not... energy is lower than it was this morning... I nodded off while reading just before heading out to the meeting and just getting back from yet another meeting that accomplishes nothing except to reinforce the unofficial "look the other way" and "keep your mouth shut" philosophy that management at the place subtly maintains... ignore inconsistencies in policy, make minimal corrections only as auditors cite specific deficiencies and correct by patching, not actually by addressing the spirit of the correction needed... kind of like following the letter of the law while ignoring the spirit of the law, only the letter of the law is ignored until the violation is caught and then everyone plays ignorant and puts a patch on the hole poked in the facade... so I decided I would eat some of that food that I was trying to distract myself with this morning... and then have swiss rolls for desert... and then some soda... yes, I am still not taking diet seriously... yes, it's self-pity, mostly... knowing I have known the depths of that hungry hell and still feel both drawn by and abused by it... even though that should be past... more currently it that same undermining feeling that can be best summed up as not being appreciated for who I am and all I can be... but then, nobody has truly known me so how could I be fully appreciated... maybe it's me, maybe it's others, maybe it's both... I sit in my head looking out waiting for someone to be able to see me... people are often amazed, so the say, by my ability to see them... but no one sees me (there's a song lyric)... it is strange to be in control and aware of the typical self-destructive human habits and still choose to do them as the awareness mocks the knowledge... I wish other could laugh as I do at the mockery we make of life... it's not that I do not cry over the cruelty and stupidity and self-destruction, I do and wish it would stop... but one of the ways I cope with it is to try to believe that someday, perhaps in another life or another conscious existence, we will realize that all the stupid human ways merely delay ultimate evolution and we'll all get to that ultimate enlightened experience one day and then we'll laugh at how long it took us to get there... or something like that... as you see, I've been well distracted from wherever I was or was going this morning so I have no idea why I came back here except to vent about the ethical hypocrisy at work (would that be all of humanity?... I'm beginning to believe that and that would be the death of hope for humanity and that would be like giving up on living here in this world and that would not be fun, though the relief from responsibility might be nice)... I think the main reason I am still alive is that I have not found the right sarcastic comment for my last words...
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