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2004-11-27 - 11:19 a.m. no predicting there was an entry for today written on the date you see above (which was right around the start of part two of this three part catch-up session, in case you're actually following along), but I am rambling on now and you get this bonus (not that it's worth much since my energy level is low and my enthusiasm is low and my blah blah blah level is high cuz I'm not in love, so don't forget it, it's just a silly phase I'm going through, but you know all this already and I'm just proving the point of this parentheses cuz these days I'm writing entries only a mother could love, so let me take a moment to thank all you mothers out there)... mom?... where were we?... ah yes, and then the day happened... see, that (paragraph above) was started at 10am this morning and there was still plenty of time to continue rambling on and catching up but now I am bleary eyed from lack of sleep and work calls in four hours or so and the brain is singing show tunes and football statistics compete with basketball statistics for whatever is left of my left brain and somewhere during the day Rasputin heated up turkey and sides and we all ate and mostly we chatted about sports and whatever else came up from room to room and that's why the writing stopped suddenly the way it did... maybe you didn't even noticed... some do, some don't, cest la vie (and I love you all)... sigh and all that... in any case, I do not think I am awake enough to provide enough clarity to satisfy myself that I have actually summed up the catch up session that was going on since early this morning that was followed by eleven new entries (new in the sense that they were not uploaded before early this morning {which is actually the day after the date of this entry, if you are following along at all} as opposed to being written brand new like this one is right now)... so the entry that would have been turned into what you see above as it faded into slumber and the time ran out on the catch up and more days passed and then it started all over again, this catch up, I mean, with some irony and hope for rebirth (for this time of year does challenge me for personal memory reasons that have long slept in semi-consciousness and below and challenge has been a good source of inspiration for rebirth for me in this life)... still, there is so little time... it gets so boring... and somewhere in the distance I can hear a voice (barely) wondering... how will I ever clean up the muck and mire of the shredded baggage of my heart and repolish myself so I am ready for something new if all I ever do is run around a treadmill like a hamster in a cage (and here we go wondering wandering in rambling babbling again) so am I just spinning wheels to nowhere as I carelessly meander through the same old routine without reason or rhyme and no one to share the moments and visions and sensory dreams or the hopes for the future and whatever can be... is that a question?... what a ridiculous life... from my very first conscious thoughts, all I ever wanted to do was fall in love (true love) and live happily ever after and explore the world with my partner and have kids and raise a family and be the best stay-at-home mom I could be... unfortunately, I discovered along the way that I was born male, so that kind of altered the role I might play in this world... and then true love didn't exactly work out as I'd hoped... and here I am, a zillion years later (or so it feels) and I'm wondering if any of that first and most important (and really only all I ever wanted) dream will ever come true... sigh... well, what can be said about that... I guess there's just no predicting what will happen in this life... or in a dairy entry, for that matter...
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