inside my head there is a brain that does not seem to ever stop (though thankfully I can consciously disconnect from it when I sleep so I can get some rest... I consider this the blessing that keeps me balanced enough to stay free to function in this insane world without losing touch with the other side of the wall... or yourself... but all the words may be moot, for no one can give you understanding that you do not give yourself)...

do you come here to pass time, out of boredom?... if so, I hope your find some entertainment, or at least distraction... I am not a cynical jokester or clever quipper or wise wit, I am just a babbler wandering wherever my mind might wander without wondering why or whatever... sometimes it means something, sometimes, who knows... deeper within, if you care enough to give the time, you might find something worthwhile...

do you come here out of loneliness?... if so, I hope you find the dreams the heart holds dear, the dream of being your friend, of knowing you, of actually sharing enough to trust and care about each other believing we know who we are, believing we understand... to care, to be a friend, that is the end of loneliness... and what I want most in this life...

do you come here out of concern for me?... maybe you think you know me well enough to have reason for concern or maybe you are wanting to care so much that you care even without truly knowing me... you are a treasure and I wish we could share more time in space to get to know and care more...

and I love the way you tell me that you care about who I am and when you reach out to show me that you want to know me it's a restoration of my hope that there is still more beauty and wonder ahead in this life... at times my doubts rise to suggest that life has passed me by, that I am over the hill (which hill, what hill, the last hill?) and might as well give up on the best of my dreams for myself and this life... age has nothing to do with it, I've felt this way before I could even begin to explain it... in between the wonders and excitements of life...

we're all manic depressive, didn't you know?...

ah, but I only partially jest and hopefully, by now, you know that... life is a roller coaster, that roller coaster being our own emotions... if we dare to feel them as much as we can (and not become a repressed and subdued zombie living in denial just to fit in and not rock the boat and feel the illusion of belonging), the extremes of highs and lows can be as exhilerating or exhausting as any physical ride you can imagine... your heart can run a marathon without every leaving the room...

and when the emotions come again and again in floods that grab your breath and pump your heart to the point where your mind floats away at such rapid thought patterns that you fear losing control, that is the moment you must decide who you are, whether you are the master of your fate or a victim of someone else's whim, and above all else, you must decide how much you trust yourself... if you trust yourself to find yourself and make the best of everything, you can survive anything and therein can enjoy any ride your mind can create emotionally (which is what happens when your mind gets physical with your body)... and if you let fear get the best of you and replace self-trust with self-doubt, you might give up your self and seek solance (or control) in others or something else or a pill...

I've explored all sorts of chemical additives and seriously looked into may philosophical, psychological, and spiritual explanations and supports and crutches, but only out of curiosity... there's never been a serious enough doubt in my head (or anywhere else in me) for me to let fear get the best of me for any period long enough to actually give up on myself or to feel I could not handle anything... I've made plenty of mistakes in fear and doubt and ignorance and stupidity, but there's always been a secure faith in myself deep inside that leads me back to my smile no matter what life experience (or my head) does to my body...

it is a lonely life, being this way... it is not the norm to not need an external reassurance, a system of beliefs that creates a bond and some sense of trust between strangers, a philosophy that gives some measure of understanding, a psychological explanation that provides some common language for experiences and feelings and therein some common ground for building trust... or just a party where everybody passes around latest drug, or an old familiar one...

but from the beginning and through all the explorations of others ways, I've wandered alone needing none of it and wanting, most of all, someone to share the journey of wandering through it all and needing none of it...

sometimes I wonder if anybody truly (by emprical experience) understands... of course no one can know everything you've been through that makes you you, for only you have walked through every moment of your life... and same for me, it is an improbably hope to want to be completely understood...

it would be nice to share a walk with someone who comes close...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)