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2008-12-09 - 11:35 p.m. NAKED DUET for me, the cleansing bath is memories, nostalgia rushes over me... it feels so good... it feels so strange... it feels so much, so much... how long have i been this out of touch? (a voice wonders softly) how long have i been this out of touch....
font it's the crazy way I am tears can raise my smile for honest feeling pouring out is the way I want to be so when I feel my own tears I know in a little while the sorrows will be all poured out and just my peace left in me... i went a little crazy. actually, i went a lot crazy. i laid on the floor of my apartment with my arms stretched wide, cried huge tears and gave everything away. NAKED On Brunswick Avenue, just north of College St in a one room apartment sometime in July of 95 there I sat wearing only the tears fearing defeat and it almost didn't matter if I was still alive and she didn't walk by me she didn't walk out she saw how much I loved her and what I was all about and she came to hold me that�s when I grew strong then she broke down and cried and we wrote this song whatever happens, there's always love as long as I'm alive I know that I can rise above whatever happens, there's always you and you are everything I believe is true... >i'd stand in a parking lot in the deepest part of the night, my arms raised to the sky, my hands clenched into fists, then i'd open them wide, hoping the pain would fly away and i could let it go. and the middle was not as beautiful as we dreamed it would be the road was rather rocky it took a lot out of me and it must have done the same to her for light grew dim in here eyes and the winds of change swept us apart but we never said good byes we never said good byes the pain holds me still. the pain still holds me and the love still burns and with no way to share it I'm ready for an urn for it's consuming me from inside it is all I want to be but it's something that I can't do unless someone does it with me... >then i moved to a new place and once spent 3 days with a knife pressed to my left wrist, sawing and sawing and trying to die. i'm still alive. the scar reminds me that i can't die, so i might as well live. i go over and over the things that happened, trying to make them come out "right" and just the other day it dawned on me. I wandered for a while searching for a smile creativity confused feeling self-abused a self-pathetic low-crawl bleeding out my all into the endless fall with no one to call this year words flow more easily even about the deepest pain that's how I know I am healing making it through the rain the process is succeeding even through my doubt cause when I'm feeling blue i let it out feeling black and blue i let it out feeling crimson red or a putrid shade of gout whatever i�m feeling i let it out out of the blue... out of the blue� out of the blue� i let it out it has come out right. i am in love with the life i am building by myself. i am stronger than i've ever been in my life. i have, again, moments when i am so happy that i explode with joy and shower my world with smiles and laughter and tears of gratitude. so beautiful and wonderful wish everyone could find the key to this perspective and place inside and know the way to be way to be happy cause it's the greatest feeling ever known and it requires nothing outside of self though everything around can become part of it on the universal shelf >i still have nights of deepest pain. i still have moments when the desire i tamped down rises and i want, oh, god, i want so bad to find one person to cling to, to have cling to me, to love for the rest of my life, to count on and depend on and laugh with, walk with, whisper with in the deepest parts of the night. me too... the irony is part of me (a part I consider sensible, rational, and safe) sees it as co-dependancy an believes it is unhealthy and dangerous... and another part of me (a part I consider free and potentially all I can be) wants to play with that addictive desire that buys into the "can't live, if living it without you" mind-set and makes the illusion real... consciousness somehow saves me from a life of confusion, as I don't feel caught between the two... I feel comfortable here... but then, I am comfortable with the unknowns of most everything... no doors are completely closed in me, as long as i can dream, so who knows what tomorrow might be like (as long as i can dream :) i still have days when i think the man i let into my life could be the one, but then he'll make some racist slur or will look at me as if i'm stupid, or will yell at me and i know i was right to leave him and live by myself. I'm alone these days because I'm in a less compromising mood than ever before... mostly because I have to live with so many compromises on a day to day basis as I climb back out of the streets and into a more independant life (thinking of that Mark Wells song, Don't Laugh At Me... it's a perspective that must be lived to be completely understood)... I wish there were no judgmental people in the world, but I'm doing my darndest to keep them out of my life... though this year they are much easier to deal with... healing... i licked my wounds (licking my wounds) (till tomorrow) till time could cover them with scabs and i spend a lot of time some days and nights trying to scrape the dry, dead skin off them, and sometimes i succeed and the pain leaks out and i write and write and write and write and cry a little, cry a lot, howl at the moon, scream at the stars. I think some wounds will always bleed and I think I like that because it keeps me feeling and reminds me I am alive... and then, maybe it's not bleeding, or if it is, not in a negative or unhealthy sense... I bleed into words when they are released just right (for me) the feeling is as good as any feeling I know... only better when shared honestly and openly and completely... sometimes I write until I nod off... sometimes the same feelings come out and inspire me and energize me... it depends on whether I am feeling sorry for myself or whether I am healing and trying to express the healing (which includes experiencing the pain, the cleansing, and so on)... then i sleep and when i wake i try to start my life all over again. i wish you peace i love you. i love you too words are how I rise above life's challenges and your words inspire me to continue doing that thank you. so I reach right through the fear and I rise above the pain and I feel a simple peace of being somewhere beyond this life's games and I stand secure and proud to still be all I am and nothing's gonna change me from doing the best I can and it feels so good to share with someone who understands so let's just sit here reading holding this thought... extending hands *HUGS* and thanks so much for being you and for sharing yourself with me :) (hey, haven't we danced this dance before? ;) honest love� "All my life's a circle, sunrise and sundown, the moon rolls thru the nighttime, till the daybreak comes around All my life's a circle, but I can't tell you why, the season's spinning round again, the years keep rollin' by" ~ Harry Chapin ~
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