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2004-08-08 - 7:29 p.m. not a failure, chapter 2 last entry, I introduced Browsings, a public diary, and hopefully all your web wanderings will soon be documented in whatever format feels right for you... now, I do what I did here because sometimes I need to remind myself that I am serious beneath my irreverence and I can still see rainbows through my tears and I remain hopeful in spite of my fear or cynicism or self-pity or whatever stupid human trick I might be trying to pull on myself... I read and feel more than when I write lately... I leave comments that say more than my entries here... so I bring the comments in my face by making an entry out of them... for what they are worth, if sense ever comes back to my long lost mind... the irony I feel as I read your recent entries comes down to... ummm... words... deep inside I do and always have (I think) understand (too well) what you mean by the importance of words and knowing self and others through words. especially written words... and until recent years, I knew an unconditional trust in my own writing that gave me an unwavering security within myself and I shared words without any inhibition... that changed and I think I want to get it back but I am not sure how (and I don't want to believe it can not come back)... so I ramble on looking for the voice I used to call my own and until I find it again I try to enjoy all the other voices that have been friends and foes in my writings... and I try to trust... from a distance... I think... all through this life, through every relationship, the missing component was the reverence for and sharing of written words and I was never satisfied even though I had almost everything else once... and then I found a relationship based on the reverence for and sharing of written words and thought I found my version of heaven... but the written words were not actualized in the physical reality and the relationship based on written words dissolved in angry tears and feelings of betrayal and worse, endings unwritten and unifinished... now I am lost and still rambling on in written words, but not nearly as sure of what I am looking for as I once was... and the song, yes, another personal theme song in the soundtrack of this life I loosely call mine... the loss and pain I suffered in this life is probably better left for other places, as daily life leaves little time or space or remedy for the deeper healings and cleansings and catharsis that must happen if I am to continue rising toward the pinnacle of whatever it is I am supposed to do and be in this life... I wax irreverently and leave clues frequently when least expected, but the sorrow and losses are seldom pointed to directly, as the ambivalence and confusion allow irreverence to dissipate (or perhaps just distract from) the dreams and nightmares... and there are so many pieces left out of the puzzle that there's no wonder nobody sees the big picture... and no wonder I wonder if anyone will ever truly understand... but every now and then, when I read something...
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