we began this catch up session, if you recall, with high hopes of getting back to rambling on in real time every day... yes, that elusive RealTime� where sharing means the most... it is now, here, and now there, wherever you are, and today is another day...

isn't that special?...

so the uploading of the multitude of entries stalled and the last three entries, entries that hold more meaning for me than the average bear, perhaps a pregnant pause, even, remained for your viewing pleasure (or to be ignored, as you wish) for a few days more than expected... the one and I shall evaluate what that means, along with everything else, when she finally gets here... until then, I shall continue asking my rhetorical questions (and yours too) and babbling on in relative riddles...

after archiving your notes, life happened...

there actually are more entries waiting for upload, and not note-entries but actual babbling entries full of the usual pontifications and irreverence and of course, much linkage... I just ran out of time and steam over the weekend... I forget where I left off, so the congruity that usually is so clear in my ramblings (am I being sarcastic here?) might be a little off, but following this entry you should see at least a few, hopefully closer to ten more entries that will bring us much closer to being back in RealTime� as opposed to this limbo (what day is it anyway?) time that I seem to love so much (reports of sarcasm may be greatly exaggerated)...

an unshared life (that is, a life without a constant partner) can get rather monotonous and rut-like without constant alterations to the daily routine, so my sleep time and meal times and everything times vary from day to day... the drawback living that sort of haphazard lifestyle is the appearance of disarray or even confusion... scheduled activities do not fit in well with such a lifestyle... but the boredom and loneliness that would come from the down-time of a scheduled daily lifestyle would not be fun and I am here in this world to have fun, so until a life partner comes along I'll just be haphazard...

not necessarily a shrew, but perhaps a bit shrewish about it and nay then I shall be for a thousand years... or until the life partner of my dreams comes along, whichever comes first... or at least a reasonable compromise...

over the weekend just past (in RealTime�, which, if I have not mentioned often enough, is tracked by the date and time at the top of these entries, which may or may not correspond with the actual time the words are written and almost never coincide with the actual time you are sitting there reading, but something needs to be defined as the measuring stick by which we assimilate the abstract concept of time into our rather concrete lives... I think) the desktop computer deteriorated further, crashing more often (I gave up on Firefox1.5 Beta because it crashed at least as much as IE6 and would not play some things that needed plug-ins and would not install the plug in and it did not cache files as whole files {enough reasons yet?} and I haven't tried the latest actual release of FFX yet) and I am fairly certain now that it is a memory allocation and CPU speed issue in Windows because it usually happens after the computer has had a bunch of windows open and on certain graphic-intensive websites or when audio modules are present, especially when Shockwave or Quicktime modules are involved... the complete lock-up of the processor points to just not enough speed and memory in this 300Mh 64MB machine...

last night I was all set to upload an entry and I discovered, upon waking, that Precious and Rasputin's girlfriend were on my computer and it crashed for them... apparently they could not get online on their computers and I've already been on the phone four times this week with my internet provide, the mamoth BellSouth, and they said they corrected the issue last time (the first couple of times I called because they double billed and because their email server was down)... hopefully they are doing something with their servers that is temporary and they'll get it right soon...

anyway, all the files I had open and in progress were closed and I did not have time to search for where I left off and get back into the flow of uploading... the rest of the weekend was busy with other stuff... a birthday party for Precious and her best friend took up much of Saturday and then I browsed while watching TV (probably football... did I mention that gumphood and smedindy are battling it out with me and Rasputin and Rasputin's brother in a fantasy football league?... last time I looked gump and I were neck and neck for second with Rasputin in the lead... am I digressing?... well, good luck to us all) until I fell out (fell asleep) and then woke and found the computer crashed and that's the full circle of the weekend...

the annoyance of having Windows Registry Checker rebuild my registry every time the computer re-boots is another obstacle to continuous thought and uploading these days... I have not firgured out exactly what triggered the reboot cycle to include the thing and why it finds bad files that require fifteen or more minutes to rebuild every time I reboot (it's probably a virus) and since I do not have a Win98 disk I can not reformat the drive...

I will (note the future tense, dummy award goes to me) back up everything on the drive as soon as I find time... it'll take a bunch of CDs to do it and I've like to find time to organize the files and eliminate duplicates and backup files before burning a CD... so I'll just hope the computer holds out until then...

shopping for a new computer may escalate to code orange any moment now...

the budget director just gave me a stern look... meanwhile, the tire bullet needs to be bitten this week... Saturday I walked out to the car and found the slow-leak right rear tire had gone completely flat... that's just a few days after I refilled it, so it is finally time... especially since the front tires, yes both, are bald... yes bald... not nearly bald, not almost bald, but completely bald... no steel belts are showing through yet though, so it's just fun on curvy roads in the rain...

yes, anyway, so I put a can of chemical flat fixer in the tire and road over to the local tire place and they didn't have the tire I wanted... and since I will be spending a few hundred (at least), I want the tire I want... it's a BF Goodrich Traction T/A 90H in size 195/70R and I found it on the internet for $61 a piece, total $290 including shipping for four... the tire guy's computers were down, so said he'd look it up and see what kind of deal he can give me and call me tomorrow (which would be today, now)...

I told him I was looking at $70 a tire installed, knowing that's way low and he'll probably come back with $100+ per and we'll see how much haggling he's allowed to do... my guess is if I can get the tires shipped here for about $72 a piece he should be able to get them out of his warehouse here in town for a lot less, especially since he said he sells a lot of them... I'll call a few other places in the area for comparison prices before he calls... I'm going to try to keep him at less than $25 a tire for mounting and valve stem and installation and balancing and alignment, but we shall see what he says when he calls...

I think I'll be happy with $80 a tire installed, but can see possible having to push closer to $100 what with all the extra charges tire places usually try to throw in and then there's tax to consider... and with close to $500 on brakes last month and the annual ($1400) storage fee due and holidays and birthdays coming up (Precious emptied my wallet this weekend and we didn't even get her the gift yet and Minnie, my other adopted grown child, has a birthday coming up on the 26th and she's in dire straights at the moment and then there are holidays coming up, aren't there)...

yeah, the budget director sure wants to consider a computer right about now...

I've got to remember to pay the electric bill today too... and the phone and DSL bill... and the car payment must be about due... and the cable bill is also sitting here... and a couple of doctor co-pay bills... and...

hey, stop that...

ok...

so what else is new?...

the workplace soap opera is in high swing these days... management is retaliating for the issues weve brought up at the last couple of meetings and Berry, Bert, and Elpien were suspended for three days pending an investigation... simply, Berry and Bert have occasionally clocked in for each other and for Elpien... one would run in, clock in, and the others would unload the car (or in Elpien's case, walk slowly)... last month Berry and Elpien and I were given verybal warnings about lateness, however others who are even more frequently late were overlooked... this is a pattern here with management, selective discipline based on mood and personality (those who kiss butt most each month are overlooked)... we discussed the unfairness at a meeting and they realized they had no lateness policy so they drew one up... I've been on time since them and they've been using the one person runs in from the parking lot method of trying to be on time instead of just getting here five to ten minutes earlier...

middle management, who were caught playing favorites and retaliating, tried to resign but because the place has no replacements, their resignations were not accepted... that must have given them a sense of empowerment because this new retaliation is their response... others who've clocked in for Elpien or for each other were not suspended... the favoritism and retaliation continues...

now what Berry, Bert, and Elpien did was wrong... it consitutes theft of time and is illegal, not just against policy... police could become involved if administration saw fit to risk negative publicity... they won't... and they could be fired for it... however the overall issue of favoritism and retaliatory responses from middle management is effecting the quality of care and that is where management is wrong...

Bert's going to talk to a lawyer and get some advice... and hopefully they'll not break any more rules because we're all obviously targets for blowing the whistle on middle management... upper management prefers a hands-off approach and wants to believe middle management would not really continue the pattern of retaliation so it's not easy to get a response from the chief administrator in spite of his open door policy and cordial response to everyone when they bring an issue to him... trouble is, the issue is usually swept under the rug and forgotten...

could be they are all full of it...

the idealist in me does not want to believe it, but perhaps it is time I accepted the nature of the beast and trust my instincts which tell me not to trust any of the administration... they are a a strange bunch... the DON (director of nursing) shows clear signs of paranoia, manic depression, and bipolar episodes... she's called meetings to berate a staff for not saying hello to her properly and has broken down (hysterical tears) and had to leave the job a few times... she takes disagreements and mere questions personally... and she will not look you in the eye... she's gone months without acknowledging some staff who've challenged her decisions and visibly gloats when reprimanding someone...

the place pays management below market rates and she's the only nurse with a masters degree willing to work at much less salary than a nurse with a masters degree can get... she's resigned a couple of times because she couldn't handle the jobs she had (basic nursing positions) and comes back, probably when they've stabilized her medications...

I've already told you about the night shift supervisor... they didn't accept her resignation either... it's rather ridiculous when you think about it... it's the medical model of health care management, probably the stupidest model there can be and bad business as well... nurses made administrators because they can't handle nursing duties and then when they admit they can't handle administrative duties they are told they can not leave and they stay, but have to have their hand held, hide from confrontation, and make decisions based on impulse and favoritism (who did the best job of convincing her that she was not an incompetent basket case any given week)...

people can be so ridiculously self-destructive...

and they ask why they don't retain staff as if they really don't know... it is so sad that a hospital supposedly meant to be a place of healing for children is a rather poisonous place at it's core...

so that's an update of life in black and white for today... I still haven't gotten to the gym, I still eat inconsistently and sleep even more haphazardly, I still feel bloated and more tired and much older than I should (or at least could)... I am still aching with the lonelies deep down, still mostly dead and boxed up in far away storage, and still haven't found what I'm looking for... and I am still am way happier that the rules of life with humans say I should be...

and how are you today?

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)