this part of the entry is missing, it will appear soon (hopefully tomorrow)... until then, please go here...

you must remember this...

but I forget what that is... yes, yes, the fundamental things apply, but mostly I've been sleep-walking in the rain (when I should be walking on sunshine, yeah yeah) without the one I love... I keep busy, but seem to be in emotional limbo (a hopelessly hopeful romantic without a relationship for too long is either depressed or crazy... sometimes I feel like I'm both, but the kid in me (the toon in me) still lives in the moment and enjoys the experience of living way more than I should if I want to be either... maybe I'm alone because I need so little, but I want so much...

it seems I lost this part of this entry somewhere along the way...

meanwhile, in real time, the candor.8m.com and candoor.net domain email addresses are under SPAM attack again, so my attempts to sign up at new sites to meet new people are thwarted... but that is what those addresses are for, after all, to absorb all the SPAM so that my other addresses are free to receive mail... use any DLand address or, if you've emailed me and know more personal addresses, use them... or use Gmail, since that hasn't been hit by SPAM yet (that's candoor at Gmail dot com... and then I just have to start actually checking it more than once a month, huh?)...

or call 407-325-1482...

see, if you call, we can make sure I set up an email filter that will put any mail from the address you use into a priority folder that will almost never bounce or get lost in the mess of SPAM I receive every day... and if you call, you become more real (even if, you never call again), if you really want to be real with me... you could just text and remind me to check Gmail...

and if you do not receive a response within a week, it's likely the overwhelming wave of SPAM has me giving up on sorting through mail (temporarily), so please try again... let's make sure your email address is in my filter that puts mail into a primary folder... usually the DLand and Gmail addresses get through...

perhaps there's a sudden flurry of activity among SPAMmers... perhaps signing up on a few new public sites is why... I've noticed it increasing this week and it's exploding this weekend... I received 2000 mails at the domain address today before the 10mb cap was hit... I'll have to contact my server again since the last time the techie said my forwarding address was set as I wanted it to be set, but the mail is still coming through the address I do not want it to come through... ah, maybe it is time to explore another server...

and maybe they are all the same...

anyway, I want more realness (which may be why I am not nurturing the fantasies as much lately, but no fear, the latest spark continues to call out to me to read everything I can find from day one... and a few others remain in my mind, if only there was time)...

I want to trust someone again... I mean intimate trust that reaches into depending on the person to be there at a moment's notice to listen, to care, to offer a hug or whatever they can offer... I am repeatedly told, by people who know me in physical life, that I unconditionally love and even unconditionally trust way too easily... I ask them if they think I should change... they usually fall silent...

sometimes I think that nobody wants to touch my innocence...

here's a depressing grumble... after 1900 emails were downloaded, the server disconnected and so, start over and re-download all that mail and the new stuff is still bouncing... SPAM kills communication, no doubt about it...

I think the worst thing about the whole internet is that the very services that deliver the mail are the worst SPAMmers...

this message will have to continue tomorrow

for time has run out tonight...

and back again and back to the point... on becoming more real with me should start with me... I tell you I want more intimacy, more real contact offline, more personal one on one contact, and then I forget to check emails and leave emails unanswered and what the fuck...

yeah, I hand myself the BS and then hide in my babbling... it is easy to disregard internet communications because of my past history and the distance... we each have our own lives and while the few minutes (or hours) we spend online is sweet sometimes, rewarding sometimes, wonderful sometimes, it's still distant and not tangible in the physical lives we live... for those of us who still sit alone, the empty seat next to us on the couch is much more real than the distant well wishes... the loneliness... but that's not the point (I'll lament another time)...

on the other hand, I eagerly answer the phone...

the point is... somewhere... just a minute... it was here a minute ago... Rasputin was talking and Star Trek DS9 is distracting and... probably part of the point...

it could very well be that I am avoiding sharing one on one... it could very well be that I am avoiding, maybe even afraid of intimacy... depending on someone... trusting someone... but the real test would be if someone actually came around in the physical world offering and asking for trust, intimacy, and a healthy dose of co-dependance (yes, I believe that is possible... it is a precarious balance, but possible)... and with no one offering or asking, there's no way I can actually say I am avoiding or not ready or ready willing and able... alone, there is no way to know...

this is making sense to me... et tu?

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)