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2005-07-11 - 5:31 p.m. a lazy Monday with Anna and Ben and finally, today (as told by the Gregorian calendar)... the trouble with uploading a lot of entries at once is that some, if not most of the entries prior to the last one uploaded will miss readers and readers will miss the monumental revelations and juicy tid-bits contained within all those entries uploaded simultaneously... especially on a Monday afternoon... it's a lazy Monday afternoon around here because I took off last night (which is why we're finally caught up and today is today, the same day I am writing this entry, uploading this entry, and stamping the date above accurately according to the space-time continuum that everybody knows and loathes... what?... you love the fact that you spend most of your life working at something when you'd most likely rather be doing something else and there's never enough time to actually do the things you want to do most and spend time with the people you care about most and enjoy the freedom you give up so you can afford to survive in this culture?)... don't worry, it wasn't really a question... I keep passing my hand over the candle that still burns on the table next to me as if I'm some sort of magician or circus performer or evangelical psychic or someone who is fascinated by fire (pyromaniac?... me?... I'm careful with PVCs and I have not set off the smoke alarms yet, so there)... my crotch is warm... I need something to blow on it... that's what happens when I sit here with the laptop on my lap for a while... even with a pillow... no, my pillow does not have a hole in it, perv... at least not this one... obviously I have nothing of import on my mind to export for your reading pleasure... and yet, there's nothing else to do around here... the roomies when to Wallyworld to buy stuff... I declined because I am going to try to save a few cents this summer instead of what usually happens during the summer when the utility bills go through the roof (and biannual car insurance and storage bills are due)... it would be nice to be rich again... but then, maybe not... I did not have great experiences being rich... people used me and stole from me a lot... regularly, even... I did not want to live behind gates and close my doors and there were always people, not all users and abusers, who were attracted to the activity and glamour that money affords... it's a whole lot easier to meet people when you can afford to go out to different clubs and restaurants every night and travel and buy random stuff for random people... it was great fun, on the surface, but sad deep down... still, I miss the free time and some of the comforts and the means to do a lot more things than I do these days... and this is where the joke about some rich person adopting me (or falling in love with me) and treating me to a life that I once treated a lot of other people to, but recent events have made that less funny... did you dance today?... surely it's a poingant question and not merely a distraction from the recent dumping event because I would not put out on the second date because I was just not physically attracted to the rich doctor... how do you girls put up with guys like that, anyway?... so what else is on my mind today... let's see... goodness it's dark in here... everybody appears to be asleep... the record player, yes, record player, is skipping... the TV has a white noise snow show holding pattern on it... and there's dirty laundry everywhere... no rotting food though, even mostly dead, we don't waste much (except time and abdominal muscles) and we do take out the trash... what's on your mind?... remember when I said this: it scares me to read someone who can feel (obsess?) this much because I used to... oh the chills in the duality of I used to... I am not sure what scares me more, the face that I once did, or the fact that I might never do it again... well, I was reading for hours last night and it's really beautiful in some minds... I felt, as a reader, that I was like the air in the entry, to be that unnoticed and that necessary, felt good... yes, for me, dreams can be so beautiful (candora can relate deeply)... then I found the first of a four part series that xray my soul and dissect my psyche... the next four entries in that series continue to take me apart, in case you wanted to see some of what is inside as told by someone else's words... I read the bestsellers and then started at the beginning and by the time I got back to 2005, I was bleary eyed and all torn up and loving most every minute of it... and there was a voice jumping up and down (name the film references) repeating I do believe I do believe I do believe... in always... and just when I was to be swallowed by my own all-consuming addiction to romance and the potential euphorias and depressions that loom in those gardens, I found the Senility Prayer (not a typo, you've heard of the Serenity Prayer, right?)... well, this is "God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference." Brilliant!, as Harry Potter and a could of cardboard beer commercial spokespeople might say... or Asheligh Brilliant, for that matter... anybody ever hear of Pot Shot Cards (used to be printed up and sold out of San Francisco {all together now, it figures, ha ha} by the creator, Mr. Brilliant... I have hundreds in storage)... storage... I've remembered and mentioned the stuff in storage at least twice now in short term memory... I do not think about the stuff every day anymore... except when I listen to music, and then, I guess I do think about the stuff every day since so much of the stuff is music... there's even more incentive to take saving money seriously... so much cool stuff to unpack someday... ok, so you can read modern Darwin (as I continue rowing my way through entries to actually read an entrie diary in a weekend) and be amused (which is a fine break from the addictive serious soap opera drama usually painted into words at this week's favorite diary that gives me so much more to think about than I have time to think about that actually relates to the life I've known in this life)... comfort and security (and luxury) is not easy to walk away from... as existential as I am inside, I miss it when I read about it... and yet, I stand by my earlier thoughts about missing free time and comforts, but rather liking not dealing with the money worship that passes for friendship or love in this culture... ah, but I'm not butter... or bitter either... (I can't believe I'm not butter) ok, so we've amuses ourselves and imparted knowledge and now you can visit the better writers out there... thank you for wading through my babble and if you care, thank you for caring and if you cared enough to catch up on all the entries I uploaded in the past few days, wow, you're precious to me... all the rest of you are cool too cuz I'm secure and just here for the flippant remarks and casual sex... or something like that... now dance!
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