to be continued (before it even begins)...

and around here, so much is missing (tomorrow?... soon?... well, hopefully soon these last few weeks will be filled in)...

after three days of fasting, I fell off the wagon... it started out great today as I got home from work... I copied CDs and browsed a bit and might have fallen asleep without eating (though I was feeling the heart stress starting), but Rasputin came home and got to talking (because Precious sleeps in his bed while Heidi is here because Heidi sleeps in Precious's bed) and when Precious woke, she came to the living room and Rasputin went to bed and she got to talking and it got into some serious stuff that I would not walk away from so I found myself eating oatmeal and a small yogurt because I wanted to be more alert to talk to her...

feeling super much better (now wishing I'd have stopped there), I found myself still awake when they left to see a Predators game (they had four free tickets, which worked out since I didn't want to go as much as I wanted to relax)... once they left, however, instead of going to bed (wisdom turns to folly), I ate some potato salad... and then some pizza... and now, bloated and blah, I am remembering just how quickly the resolve and determination and good sense can turn into stupidity...

there was a time when I would expect, no, demand nothing less than an immediate turn around, a miraculous reversal of behavior and focus... but I've gorwn old and lazy, careless and ambivalent... apathy has replaced instinct too often in the synapses of my mind... survival goes the way of indulgence and just as suddenly as the fasting and determination started, just as easily as I went almost four days without any craving or hunger, the resolve dissolves into insatiable and blind craving for oral stimulation, for tastes I love (in the absense of someone to love)... the spiritual/ethereal control that gives resistance to the physical passions suddenly disappears...

it's kind of like fall off a cliff and rolling down a mountain... momentum just carries me all the way down... maybe you've been here... maybe you've not explored the extremes of this physical existence quite so extremely...

so the feeling that it is the first moment of the rest of my life has gone like a balloon that pops and is replaced by the end of the world as I know it syndrome... hope and confidence and the certain belief in myself and conscious awareness goes down with the twenty or thirty bites too many... the body wins again...

it is not as bad as I make it seem... this moment is lost, but there is some hope that one day did not turn the whole of three days (and then some) into wasted time... it was so easy to just stop eating and continue going to work and living here with food and eating going on all around me... a lot... just as easy as it was to stuff my face with favorite flavors today...

this is really boring...

I know the way in... I know the way out... I know the way in and I can shake it all about... so don't let me get all hokey pokey on you... close, but no cigar, if you know what I mean (misdirection, perhaps, but then, that is the way of the machine)...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)