yeah, I know, too many entries with too many words uploaded too quickly, or so some of you say and I accept the validity of the perspective bult around wanting to be read, to be read completely, to be understood and as Aerosmith said, if you don'twant to miss a thing...

but we interrupt this entry before it begins to share some love (you know, like the-moo does so well, go see for yourself, though she's gone a bit porno of late, but we'll try not to get too turned on as she is happily married and all)...

excuse me, I was distracted from the interruption by green lettering (bad, moo, bad bad moo)...

back to the point of this interruption before we begin the entry already in progress, the one and only Dandy did it again... she wrote an entry that brought tears to my eyes as I laughed and went "hmmmm..." (you know, things that make you go hmmmm?)... I remember an chain email with a similar theme (how anyone over thirty or so survived childhood without all the rules and safety equiptment and threats from lawyers if a toe was stubbed while playing kickball in the park and how nice it was to be a kid back then)...

I wonder if, in thirty years, kids will be feeling nostalgic about the saftey restrictions, helmets, pads, quick-to-blame and sue and fear of abduction culture that they grow up with today...

anyway, I start this entry with that because I so want you to go hug Dandy (or at least leave her a few words, even if you simply say "I was here" cuz you are left speechless by her adorableness)... why?... because she is so beautiful and wise and utterly adorable and well worth reading... so I want to share the attention and love you give me, if you don't mind... pretty please?... thanks, all you wonderful dear sweet readers out there (and I sense a lot of you have been gone recently, but hopefully all is well in your world and you'll be back soon)...

and now, on to the entry in progress...

what can I say in the mid-week mumbles when time rushes by and I work and I sleep and I have so few moments to write, I am humbled to find you find time to find me in this peep show must go on say the voices in my head as I have far to go and promises yet to keep so I thank you my friends for the choices that have lead you back to this place as I sing from the deep or wallow in shallows in these mid-week mumbles when time rushes by and I work and I sleep...

a lot of us seem to wander in and out of each others worlds over the years... I know that for me, it is not lack of interest in you or your world, it is lack of time and sometimes, lack of enthusiasm (and laziness, don't forget laziness)... I'm not sure just why you come and go, but I hope you never feel you are unwelcome and please do not let the passage of time become an obstacle in our sharing... if you are inspired to respond or if you care and just want to, your words are always very welcome... I don't feel we need to apologize for living our lives and we sure should not let a positive thought pass just cuz it's been a while... I hope you never feel uncomfortable sharing your thoughts with me...

while the volume of my writing may suggest otherwise, I've been busy with offline stuff a lot recently... I wish I could say it's been lots of relaxing wonderful fun, but it's mostly just the ordinary daily life activities - a lot of work and housekeeping and getting some sleep for a change... it's amazing how little time there is in a day after work and taking care of basic stuff...

I am lonely, not too busy to notice that, but how many times can I keep tipping my hat and introducing myself as if we've never met, but the one time I don't I might live to regret so hello to you all and welcome to my world, please pardon the mess as my life is a swirl of working through the night and sleeping through the day and wishing on stars that you won't go away...

work is the same as it ever was, only worse in that the place is not filling the beds so we are working with a skeleton crew on all shifts which makes for lots of stress as there's no safe way to take breaks or just catch your breath and in an eight or more hour shift on a psyche ward, taking a break is important... they don't really care if they burn out staff though, the health care system is designed to chew people up and spit them out, whether the people are staff or patients...

argh...

but someone has to be the ray of sunshine in this gloomy picture, right?... so here I am, shining away as best I can for anyone who needs a little shine... it's not easy not to join in the bitching and moaning at work, but venting my frustration here helps a lot... on the other hand, I am wondering if I am getting altogether too complacent and turning into the older generation who just accepts the callous corruption as that's just the way it is (no, no, a thousand times no)...

and when I took some time off from this rat race (ah, it was so relaxing to be rich and retired) I never thought I'd be bucking the system from the bottom end again, but that's the way my cookie crumbled and I'm still happier on the front lines than I was in the corporate offices... here I can make a little difference every day... much better than banging a head (and heart) against the stone cold wall of profit margins and red tape...

sure would be a whole lot easier and more fun if there was someone to cuddle up with each morning... I wonder if there's a singles service for night shift...

then again, just about every singles service is just another meat market and I'm still not quite into the whole game of making first impressions and making polite conversation and shining up the old image... and I've got a powerful aversion to paying for love that taints the whole experience of those services for me... and online, offline, anywhere in life, I've rarely met anyone who can just relax and be themselves on first meeting and that's the first item on my "what are you looking for" list...

of course if I was really ready and wanting to enter a new relationship, I would not be so lazy about taking care of this body... I have really gotten psychologically lazy lately and that carries over into the physical world... I may have even reached a new highest weight ever in this life (scary milestone) but I don't go out of my way to step on a scale and I haven't been to the gym since the start of the year... I don't think a three day fast (or even a week long fast) will work this time... I might have to deprive myself of the magical chocolate and other sweets and cheeses and heavier foods for a month or more to drop back to a comfortable weight... that sucks... heck if do it that long, I might even develop good habits and lose my craving for fat-heavy foods and sweet drinks and candies and cakes and... no, I don't think that's possible, not chocolate...

anybody got some motivation for sale, real cheap?...

flashing into a dream sequence, we see a super-fit and quite adorable girl knock on my door, take me by the hand, look me in the eye, and show me that she is my own personal guardian angel trainer who will, from now and forever more, come visit me daily and coherce me out of my big green chair and on to the trail or into the gym, taunting me with her cuteness and sexy body until I decide between life and death (and of course I choose life, run this body back into optimal condition, and finally return to the self-discipline, conscious awareness, and energy level where I belong... as my way of showing my appreciation, I take my trainer on a long vacation that includes delicious meals and fun workouts and show her passions her flesh never dreamed they could experience (my speciality when at home in this body)... finally, while on the long vacation, we save Bill Gates from a fall overboard in the middle of the ocean and he rewards us with a prototype of his secret time machine so we can travel through time, therein expanding our vacation possibilities enormously and he gives us enough money to retire and spread the word of love and fitness at our leisure, so we open a chain of health and fitness clubs that include a healthy focus on the benefits of sexual exercise and start a new sexual revolution (yes, a safe sexual revolution) and change the world bringing enlightenment and peace and love and great sex to all corners of the globe by travelling back in time to when this ridiculous fear of sex and our own bodies started and fixing it so none of the fears and insecurities ever happened (hey, it is a dream sequence, remember?)...

hey, I left out the fairies and pixie dust and light-beings cuz I didn't want to get all sci-fi on you (time machines are not sci-fi?... well, maybe just a little, especially if we're to keep them a secret like the aliens and the stargate and the true nature of the universe... even though I keep giving away the secret in my babbling all the time but nobody pays close enough attention to catch the key phrases in the key lines {and in between} in the key entries with the key codes in the Florida Keys where key lime pie is all the rage, though I still prefer the cherry at the restaurant at the end of the continent)...

interesting that I'd consider buying motivation, but not love (or sex, for that matter... not that I'm a prude... I think prostitution and drugs should be legalized... but I just don't want fake love or cheap sex and if you've got to buy it, it's either fake or cheap... even when it seems to cost a fortune)... it's not pride either, i think... it's simply that if I am not worth loving or attractive enough to be wanted for who I am, then I don't want to pretend I am worth loving or attractive by paying someone to lie to me... heck, people lie for free all the time, why pay for it...

ooo, biting cynicism from the lonely guy...

what would be really cool is to find a local person who's into karaoke... but wait, a serious kick to the head just came to me... I seem to have given up, at least for the time being, on finding someone for me... I don't devote any time to looking around anymore... and I don't know if I'll believe someone if they say they love me (I mean fall in love want me forever in the flesh and blood living together happilly ever after kind of love... I believe you guys when you share your internet hearts)...

I've been thinking about finding some of my personal letters from the 90's when I was serious about correspondence (before I became jaded and faded and denegraded) and posting some of that... the three previous entries might be a taste of what those babbling letters were like... and maybe these come a bit closer than the last few entries (those are letters to friends)... and then there are all the intros and letters to strangers I wrote to people in various online groups over the years... but it's the earlier stuff I'd like to find and share, writings from a time when I was still believing whole heartedly that love would save the world and there was someone out there for me and we were going to fall in love with all the trimmings...

and some tell me I'm an optimist and idealist today...

if they only knew...

how does that Elvis song go?... this time you gave me a mountain... yeah, whether it was given to me or it was created by my own foolish decisions (and other foolish games), I sure do have a kind of obstacle course maze between the world (that would be you out there) and my intimate spaces (on ethereal and physical levels... not that it matters to most of you who come here for the fantasy or rhetoric, but for anyone trying to know me offline in the physical world, trust is a mountain...

and yeah, I know, it would so help if I got the links right the first time because, after all, how many of you make return visits to entries to see what I've added or corrected (cuz I almost always add something), but posterity, dear sweet old posterity will know...

and for the memories and the love (and a reminded to myself to find some time this week to show respect and appreciation):

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)