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2005-12-16 - 4:33 a.m. merry happy and always and we come to another December 16th... never mind that this is being uploaded a few days later, it's December 16th in this entry and don't forget it cuz the whole point of this entry is to explore and explain just why December 16th is such a special day in this life as I've known it... so this is dedicated to the one and only December 16th... ok, and the one I love (thank you Shirelles)... for most of this lifetime this date has been dear to me, revered, in fact, for it is the birthdate of the first (and still deepest) cut into my heart... the singularity of most profound desire for another human being blended with the most unconsciously uninhibited passion inspired by another human being and ultimately, the most life changing moment I've known in this life... powerful mojo can be conjured up on this date, even moreso (as if that wasn't enough) because it is the culmination of a month of profound memories and inspirations... for anyone interested (and you know how much I appreciate you), this is how my personal end of fall holiday season unfolds as I experienced (and experience) it and roll on into the traditional winter stolsice (hey, it's not as if I am not part of the world, I simply experience it through my own senses and live life in my own body... doesn't everybody? J November 15th... the twin birth dates of two of the closest people I've known in this life that shared my first coupling, my first full year in a romantic relationship with someone, and my first true brotherly love relationship... so on this day I release the final sigh, take the deepest breath, and celebrate the culmination of another year of life... I rejoice in the fact that I survived another year of introspective catharsis, of inspecting my scars, cleaning my wounds, doing all sorts of general housekeeping in my psyche (and life, when I am wise), and once again being as ready as I can be to move on with my life, to live in the moment, and to share every experience as much and as well as I can... it's a good day... the beginning, the end, the eternity) J... so what can I say this year... perhaps I allowed the cold-flu bug to move in unconsciously because I was distracted, or because I want to punish myself for losing the most important things in this life, or for not doing more to help and share what I believe in, or perhaps just to force myself to rest and dig deeper for more undertanding and actualization of myself (that last reason would be a good thing, no doubt)... but who notices and what does it matter?... it matters to me... ok, beyond the egocentric satisfaction of being able to survive anything and feeling good about myself and renewing the hope that dreams can come true and they can happen to me if I stay young at heart, what other good can it do to re-experience this cathartic month long period of celebration and mourning (heavy on the celebrations, but still risking the depressive traps of diving headlong into the deepest darkest depths of pain and loss and loneliness and aching unfulfilled longings in this life... what makes the roller coaster exciting is not how high you go, but how fast and furiously you come down)... but I only come down so I can go up again... now many of you in the western world might consider this time of year a special time of year for many, or at least a few, other reasons and I do feel you on that because the cultural holidays in December are so profoundly visible and widespread... it's during this same month-long period I hold holy in my heart that the world gets collectively more excited and somewhat more friendly (except in the shopping zones) and as usual this year is no exception, it is beginning to like a lot like Xmas every where I go... and in some communities it's beginning to look more like Chanukah, or even Kwanzaa (though Kwanzaa lights are a much more recent cultural phenomenon and not nearly as widespread as the Christain and Jewish lighting ceremonies) which only goes to emphasize the cultural relevence, at least visually, of this season... and then there's the traditional New Years celebrations I personally love the colorful displays and when authentic, good cheer that lots of people share at this time of year... I love the music and the parties and the heightened energy generally found during this season... I don't overlook, however, the holiday depression that lays at the feet of the season much like presents lay at the bottom of trees or bushes in many homes... or the loneliness that is exascerbated by the visible increase in sharing in public and private gatherings... as I generally see the bigger picture and try to color it in, I accept that most everything in life has a natural duality, a double-edge, and I embrace the full spectrum of emotions inspired by (celebrated and ignored) around the December holidays... but most of all I live my own life... I think with my own head and feel with my own heart and I experience whatever spiritual essence my energy might present to me... my personal celebrations are first and foremost based on tangible physical experiences I've known and shared in this lifetime... myths and legends and communal traditions that have not personally touched this body in this life experience are appreciated for what they are, other people's presentations of their celebrations... if you can grasp (not necessarily accept or share or agree with, but just get my drift and begin to understand) this sense of perspective, this awareness of physical reality, then you might see a bit more clearly just why and how I am alone so much in this world... it is a choice to experience life as I experience it, without the fantasies or pretenses of the collective consciousness, no matter how ingrained in so many brains it may be... not because I read them somewhere not because I am told to care for me, this time of year, is not for fantasies I love other people's stories I love the celebrations for me, this time of year, is also about love for me, this time of year, is not found high above and what I know is personal I love the celebrations for me, this time of year, is personal for me, this time of year, is memorial and I share my private world and then I am released I reach for more like never before and so come my December it may seem egocentric to some, maybe even arrogant to others, but it is the secret to my blissful happiness and depth of understanding and clarity of awareness and passion for living that makes me who I am in this life (well, one of the secrets... there's also the First of May, after all)... and I love who I am, heck, sometimes even like me... whatever my way and I seem to you, I hope you find your way to your bliss and comfort and peace and love, fully actualized and somehow renewed every now and then, for that, to me, is what life is about... we each embark on a personal and private journey experienced as no one else can experience it, through our own senses, from the first moments we open our minds and explore our perceptions and conscious awareness (hopefully most everyone does that)... this is what makes each one of us who we are, individual people on an individual journey through the universe... as much as we try to make it a collective experience, we enter this world and leave this world within our own heads, experiencing our own private perspective and consciousness... if we are lucky and gifted with an opennes of mind, we might experience a deeper sharing, a stronger bonding of ethereal energies (emotions, karmas, spirits, whatever we might call them) and give the illusion of shared journeys much more power and intensity and realness... I hope for more of such sharings in this lifetime for it may be that is the purpose of our being here and even if it is not, it sure is fun... maybe the most roller coastery fun I've ever known... it never ends, the learning and growing and potential for sharing and feeling... the threads of the energy that we call our lives can intertwine and once they do, there are permanent bonds whether we wish to nurture or even acknowledge them or not... so to each one of you and especially to every one who's ever brushed against or blended with my personal energies, I wish you all the wonder of your own personal revelations, all the joy of your own personal actualizations of your love and your dreams, and all the peace of embracing the passion and promise that is you... most of all, I wish you all the love you you've ever hoped for, all the energy you can share and become... merry happy, and always... ric
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