yesterday's plan to add to yesterday's entry and call it more complete may have to wait since I gave into sleep (and the body feels a lot better for it with that cold/flu bug thing very much on the run at the moment)...

time, once again, shall run out before I can really get moving on the babbling I so love to do... I wonder just where the psych books would categorize my mind's way of surviving in this world... probably schizotypal or something... get it, schizo-type-all... yeah, I know, bad psych joke... but I work in a psych hospital, what do you expect?...

good psych jokes?...

what I did today upon waking was respond to an email I found as I was sorting through the junk mail folders on this desktop... see, over the past year or so, mail just kept pouring into this desktop whenever I remembered to download it... nothing was ever looked at, or almost nothing, because, after all, in all likelihood, nothing does not exist so how could it be looked at... but that's a philosophicial joke, not good or bad, since philosophically there is no good or bad, and maybe not even a joke, for...

where were we?...

yes, I am tangentially oriented... and functionally schizotypal... extremely manic depressive... and most likely borderline multiple personalities... we've learned to live with it...

what joke?...

and the secret key to the combination lock that opens to reveal the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is to know precisely when the laughter occurs and when it does not...

that's how the match game is played too...

anyway, I found an email dated last November from a friend I've known since high school, in fact, my best friend in high school, and he was coming down to Orlando with his family and wanted to get together and do the theme park thing and well, it's August, isn't it?...

so the email I wrote explained the email issues I've had for years now, sort of, and tried to catch up on however long it's been since we last talked... it's been a few years and I don't remember where we left off, not that it matters except to fill in the blkanks in the time line of our respective lives... he's a guy I'd do about anything for and most welcome anytime he pops up in this life, or any life, for that matter...

and not just because I do not have time for an actual entry here tonight, but also in keeping with the revealing nature of this life in black and white diary, I present the email here for anyone who cares to know anything they might not already know, in case the email reveals anything you don't already know... just cuz I want someone to know and hope that someone who knows might like me, cuz, after all, I'm still alive and resisting the aging process, fending off the frustrations of pressure to conform, keeping hope alive that the good in life does truly outweight the bad, and ultimately that dreams do come true... and staying alive and reaching out is pretty much a prerequisite to my dream of sharing life, ya know?...

so we'll see about yesterday's entry later, or maybe tomorrow...

for now, for whatever it's worth to you, here is the my most recent attempt to get real in words, to express what is going on in my life offline and what is real inside of me, and to find my own truth about it through as unhibited a release of thought into words as I can manage at this time...

or something like that J

oh wow, Hi R :)

bummer that it took me this long to find this mail, but now I'm suddenly excited at finding it... the address you used has long since been overwhelmed by junk mail (because I did not know how SPAMbots and spiders way back then) and has been filtered into a second computer (desktop) that I seldom have time to check on... recently the laptop I use started dying so I started using this desktop computer more and I started sorting through the junk mail folders, just haphazardly scanning the subjects and "from" addresses for anything familiar (but still deleting nine out of ten entries without really seeing them because there are tens of thousands of mails in the junk folders)...

and I see the subject and open the mail and here we are... fluke, luck, syncronicity, yay! J

it's great to hear from you again and I hope to hear more... number: 407-325-1482 (cell)... I work nights these days and the cell doesn't work 99% of the time in the hospital, but it's always on for voicemail... working nights, I have no stable sleep times, so anytime means anytime when I say call anytime... sometimes I get home from work and nod off within minutes, sometimes I'm up most of the day and sleep in the evening, it depends on what I want to do during a given day... I have no one in my life (other than my roommate and his teenage daughter who counts on me for rides and odd jobs) to be obligated to daily (ah yes, lonesome me hearing whipporrwills and singing 'find me somebody to love', but still loving life {and music} and enjoying each moment as much as possible), so schedules are unnecessary except to fit in work...

I've been at a psych hospital (where I work, I know, it's where I belong too lol) for four and a half years... a couple of years ago I decided to semi-retire by taking a night shift... the job is easy, lots of paperwork, typical corporate politics, but I stay pretty much out of the daily grind loop because the night shift is a skeleton crew and the stress is low and there's lots of down time... I've created all sorts of auditing paperwork just to keep busy and occasionally work other shifts (to keep in touch with the patients and pick up a few extra bucks... since the pay down here truly sucks... when I think about retirement and financial stability, I stop thinking and distract myself with something more fun... I think I've made irresponsibility an art form)...

I stay in Florida because I love the semi-tropical climates and right now, I'm helping Rasputin (roommate, closest friend for the last 5+ years since coming back to Orlando after 5 years in Toronto, which was a beautiful sadness, a magnifiscent fiasco, and a long story I'll relate another time) take care of Precious (who sorta looks to me as the other parent figure in her life down here) and I may decide a relocation is in order in a couple of years when she starts college... of course love changes everything, so if I fell in love tomorrow and relocation was best, I'd re-contemplate the current plan... and yes, I still dream of falling in love (again) and have not decided "I vant to be alone" in my old age... probably late to create kids (never did), but family dreams remain alive and well (if a little battered after Toronto) and hope for all my dreams remains alive and well too...

I've realized that I lived much of this life with a pattern of waiting for everything to be just right before telling anyone how things are going... so avoided keeping in touch with you and anyone who really mattered to me once upon a time (I smile as I wonder how many addresses still work) because I wanted great news to share... I did not want to write about loneliness or disappointment or stupid mistakes I've made along the way... I did not want to write about the hurts or the changes or the... nothingness...

so I put off responding to mails or calling when I had telephone numbers, hearing a voice in the back of my mind say something like:

'this year I'll fall in love and start a family and get motivated to make money and have things to be proud of and live a life full of fun and joy and wonderful activites and stuff that would be great to tell about'

that has isolated me from friends all through this life (did I mention I've mad some stupid mistakes?... yeah, well not keeping in touch with anyone who matters is one whopper)... so life today is lonely (for my hopelessly hopeful romantic heart and dreamer and me, not to mention my body) and pretty darned empty...

dumb (foolish pride?... probably)...

I blew a very comfortable retirement nestegg and big bank accounts in the nineties... I fell in love and she used me and took everything... I ended up on the street, dragged myself back to Orlando and have been working to get semi-comfortable in life ever since... not a pretty picture... maybe inspirational, but not pretty (even if I can smile about it cuz I'm still crazy aftr all these years)...

so these days I wake when I wake, spend a lot of time at the computer writing a whole lot and putting much of what I write out there in public diaries, journals, and blogs for all to see, listen to Precious tell me about her life, occasionally do something with Rasputin (who works odd hours as well, and longer hours to boot, so sometimes days go by without seeing each other which is one more reason Precious looks to me a lot when she needs things), and I contemplate new ways to meet people and find more real friends and try to trust intimacy and fall in love again...

and lot's of distracting myself with the internet and writing about whatever comes into my head... writing is still my favorite solitary pasttime and it's even more fun now that the internet lets me have a bit of feedback... I can let ego get off on being popular and meet people far away who have interesting things to say...

I miss music... everything I owned back in 1995 when I dropped everything (including the mortgage on the house, the car, life, everything) and moved to Toronto (things we do for love) went into storage and remains there just north of Niagara Falls (slowly I turn...)... many thousands of CDs, vinyl, tapes, videos, books, toys, clothes, even appliances and shelving sits up there to this day and I just keep sending them checks regularly... music reminds me of all I've lost, but there's nobody in my life daily today who loves music (or writing) as I do so I don't get into it as I once did... something I'd like to change (but finding friends gets more challenging with each passing year... and tomorrow, all this could very well change... see, always hope "WingDings"J)

I've gotten lazy (seldom work out) and put on at least thirty pounds since starting the night shift (about three years now)... I started getting back into the gym and running in 2003 and early 2004, but last years hurricanes did not help as we had to relocate and I got out of the gym and running habit... feeling lethargic sucks, so I'm trying to get my head motivated to kick start exercising regularly again...

getting old?... sheesh, I sure hope not... at least I can go na-na-na-na-na and say you're gonna be 50 for 5 months before I reach the half century mark... and the next half century will be even better J

you're Nov. 15th, I'm Apr. 6th, memories J

what with the laptop crashing and moving mailboxes to this desktop, I've not gotten my filters set and am still testing whether they work... use this address (reply to) and hopefully it'll filter right and your mail will pop up in your own folder so I can spot it immediately... if you don't hear from me for a few days after you send your mail, call so I can find it and fix the filters (can't test them unless there's incoming mail)...

hopefully your address still works...

I am excited to hear from you and want to know what's going on... so tell me all about you and your life, family (those I knew and those I don't know), house, job, changes, and most important, insides... the superficial and the deep, the silly fun and the most meaningful moments, tell me tell me (tell me? J)

besides the lonely blues and prospects of having to work until I keel over (I still don't play the lottery, but there's always the chance I'll find a million dollars on the street, right?), day to day life is still the wonderful momentary experience it's always been for me... and I keep hoping that today will be the day I bump into the new friend (or lover) or better yet, "the one" who will grow old along with me (the best is yet to be J)

in the meantime, I love the hot summers nights and sunshine and thunderstorms and writing and dreaming and doing the work I do... I enjoy fantasy sports (ever tried?... have time?... football doesn't take too much time if you're into the game) and browsing the internet and looking for new and different ways to meet people... and I look forward to finding new Mega M&Ms on a shelf one of these days when I am wandering around some store... simple things and making every moment fun is still what life is about for me...

now if I can just get back to sharing it, it'll be perfect again J

so how are you? J

yay, ric J

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)