maybe I do ramble on too much... when I come here I am not always sure I have something to say and seldom have anything particularly profound or meaningful to say and very often there is external distractions like the TV or apartment clutter or roommates seeking attention to keep me from diving into my mind or imagination to find anything worth writing about, but then, this diary was specifically started to be the place I come when I have nothing to say but just want to keep the words flowing, to keep in touch even when life is just like that, this, kind of the same as it always was, boring, dully, not nearly as staccato as the banter on, say, The Gilmore Girls... watching nubile neurosis getting drunk for the first time leads me to wonder if they will grow up to be the Sex In The City women...

maybe it's the headache...

yes, I have a headache... one of those frontal lobe things just above the eyes that instinct tells me comes from rather suddenly cutting out caffiene, chocolate, and processed sugar for 24-48 hours while escalating the exercise and most of all, not getting enough REM sleep... that last thing may be the best cure, but work will get in the way tonight so I will, sometime later if the eyes feel like they really want to explode I might consider some sort of analgesic, but more likely I will not cuz I have this instinctive aversion to having any, even temporary dependancy on drugs... the body has the capability of dealing with itself (and the challenges I throw at it)... so I undergo an adjustment tonight and it is a reminder that I haven't been taking care of myself physically as I know I can... hiccup...

did you ever notice how people breath?... I mean, how shallow the breaths and how frequent?... how much energy is wasted by the lack of relaxation?... how much focus is lost (or not attained) because lack of focus empowers distaction?...

I used to breath deeply and slowly... I used to wonder how people survived with their energy buzzing out of their body instead of being channeled through their brain... I used to wonder how a heart could take the stress that comes from lack of focus and distraction... and poor posture... and lack of awareness... maybe the pain in my head is coming from the neglected brain cells that have not had enough energy (or oxygen) sent to them for a long time because I have not been breathing deeply and slowly...

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

it could be I have too much empty time on my hands... that seems like a strange thought when I realize I never have enough time to do all the things I want to do, but I think I mean too much lonely time on my hands... that may what brings me here more than anything else, loneliness... when I am feeling depressed, I go play with the mostly dead... when I am not lonely and feeling creative, I go to planet candora or any of a number of other creative written gardens (yeah, I know, most are neglected these days... another sign of the unfocused energy and lack of oxygen to the brain)... but the real life, day to day, undressed or at least not dressed up by imagination or mental illness, is an insatiable void craving more intimate sharing and rather than sit silently vegetating into the TV or unhealthier distractions or deeper depressing activities, I come here and ramble on into the cyber void... maybe you are listening... maybe you hear me... maybe you care... at the very least I am here, in case I ever wonder...

you might think I am just playing with words (and my head), having fun with thoughts, enjoying the exhibition of my feelings and the never ending details of a life in my free association and random references to cultural trivia and lyrical memories...

you may be right...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)