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2003-10-20 - 10:27 p.m. another last minute entry it is not as if I plan it this way... and it is not as if I am actively avoiding anything in particular because I acknowledge the few things I avoid fairly clearly... I think... there are times when fantasy and reality converge enough to sing in harmony... I do not want to be indifferent to that, but I do not have time to dig into the darkness to find the light (if it's there) as often as I would like... I am at once a happy-go-lucky child and a deeply troubled manic depressive schizophrenic with delusions of granduer, at least... those closest to me laugh and appear convinced that I am really the happy-go-lucky child who needs nothing and has some magical security and unfetterable joy for life and everything inside and I just pretend to not be able to find it because I want to be closer to people or something like that... perfection repels, or so I'm told... meanwhile, there is nobody around today who really knows me deeply... no long endearing hugs... no playful touches... no deep stares into my eyes... sigh, and all that jazz... and that is a big advantage to those of you out there who are playing games with me... or for those of you who are too timid to approach, but might want to... or for those of you who might want me but are too far away or too busy with your lives to notice or be ready to come and get me today... especially if I might want you... but then, we all live in fantasies here in words... you read, I write, we call it daily life or reality... and I read your words imagining that I am getting to know you... but are we really sharing?... are we really getting to know each other?... some of my most intense physical word relationships started through the sharing of words... powerful feelings were expressed in text and empowered by belief... we came together and exploded in passion... we became a family, silently and verbally and actively promising family is forever and believing it... at least I did... now, alone again, I wonder if words mean anything... and I wonder what I am waiting for... tomorrow is another day and when I get home from work, maybe I'll continue... or start again... or both...
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