oh, those...

before I start rambling, Nicole needs our hugs...

fascinating, huh?...

and I have not revisited all the prompts linked at the left in many weeks, so there's at least an entry or few to come of that prompting sort of psycho-babble snapshot of whatever the prompt might suggest and whatever I might come up with... so it's not as if the babbling has stopped and there are certainly enough entries in progress to fill every missed date in this month of scattered uploads... what has waned in the past two weeks is my discipline to patch together my random rambles and meandering babblings and linkages into an uploaded entry...

in spite of your wonderful messages of encouragement and love... I do appreciate you and intend to respond to each comment this weekend... and I'll try not to be too much of a blithering idiot who's drunk on sleep deprivation when I do... or the deep blue blah...

but my mindless apathy and ambivalent is nothing compared to the trauma and tragedy being experienced by others in this world... the madness that infects conservative politics, or perhaps all politics (as who am I to judge without really knowing the parties involved) has sent many young people to their deaths in the greed-war going on in Iraq, so my loneliness is easy to bear when I consider how many families will be celebrating their traditional holidays with an empty chair at their table, or worse, at a cemetery...

and the countries we Americans visit officially and as tourists in our maniacal grab for all the wealth and resources and pleasure this planet has to offer are full of struggle and injustice (with and without our government's aide)... the arrogance of the US government actions around this world is a sign of how out of touch US leaders are with humanity in general and with specific peoples and cultures around this world...

maybe it's cuz I saw Rent tonight...

I decided, spontaneously, as usual, to fast on Tuesday and I did... I pondered continuing the rest of the week, but had some soup Wednesday morning in an attempt to maintain some sort of balance as I was feeling the fogginess of fasting... I woke with a fasting headache (of course it was more likely a withdrawal headache as I stopped my daily indulgence of mass qualities of chocolate that has been continuous since Halloween) and stumbled out to the big green chair and moaned a bit with a pillow over my face to block the light (or was it that I just wanted to hug something so I grabbed a big pillow?... both, actually)... I figured I had to go through the withdrawal to get back on to a balanced dietary intact and continue the impromptu diet I seemed to have started the day before without actually deciding to start a diet...

the body hit a wall the night I sat up and wrote the previous entry (which would be the entry of the 22d?... )... the bloated feeling reached a point where food no longer held enough appeal to override the discomfort of the feeling of abdominal bloat... yeah, just before Thanksgiving, am I a natural born rebel or what?...

anyway, I was all set to skip another meal or few and focus into meditation to get past the headache before heading into work when I hear some sniffling across from me... I peek out from under the pillow and see Precious curled up on the couch... she's calling several people trying to arrange some activity for sometime, but I'm doing my best to keep my head from exploding and don't have much room for anything other than selfish thoughts in my head...

I mumble, "what's wrong?" sensing a major change in my plans for this evening was about to occur...

her boyfriend broken up with her...

I was right...

sometimes I do not like being as sensitive and empathic as I am... the activity she was trying to arrange was going to see the movie Rent because she didn't want to stay home and be sad and she wanted a distraction... unfortunately, all her friends had other plans and she didn't have a friend ready to drop everything for her... and she needed a ride and Rasputin wasn't home yet, but apparently was on his way and was willing to give her a ride if she was ready and downstairs when he got home (cuz he apparently had plans with his new girlfriend and Precious apparently didn't tell him about her boyfriend breaking up with her)... all this I got from a few snips of her side of conversations and instinct...

so I took two pills (Ibuprophen, I think) and took her to see Rent...

her on-again off-again best friend decided to come along at the last minute and I found myself offering to give her a ride home since her dad does give Precious rides a lot... the timing was good until we found out the show we were going to see was sold out and there was another show starting an hour later that would make me late for work, especially with the extra drop off, and did I forget that I had just woken up and not showered or anything?... how easily I forget about myself, huh?... and fasting?... we had an hour to kill so we went to one of Precious's favorite food places and got some food since she didn't eat lunch or dinner... so instead of spending a quiet night at home refocusing my brain on to a healthier path, I found myself substituting pills for meditation and spending money on movies and dinner...

but Rent was really great...

and by the time I hugged Precious goodnight she was laughing about some of the things she learned and experienced with her former boyfriend and realized that it was ok... he's a nice kid, very bookish and was not really ready for a girlfriend and finally said so in a rather nice way... they're going to stay friends, I think, after the initial awkwardness of no longer making out passes... and I believe she really knows it's not a reflection on who she is, but a reflection on how much she wants out of a relationship and how challenging wanting that much is at any age because most everyone is afraid to be as open and honest and vulnerable as she can be... have I mentioned how proud I am of her lately?...

so then I rushed into work and you think the challenge to my selfish focus was over, right?... nope... I forgot there was a party scheduled tonight for Berry and another co-worker who's birthdays are in November.. of course I did not have to eat... but I did... so I am back to feeling just as bloated as I was feeling the last night I sat here writing and writing and well, you know, writing a lot...

start again...

not the entry, the abdominal wall pressure and mental focus on discipline and so on... I will not be writing as much tonight as the previous entry because there's the party and I don't lock myself away with the computer when Berry is working cuz she and I talk and besides, it's her party... and I did play more DX Ball than I intended... and, after all, hermitizing myself into a written world all the time would not be too healthy, would it now?...

before I conclude this relatively brief entry, if you happen to have a moment and a little love to share, please give it to Nicole... she lost a wonderful friend and family member this week and if you ever lost someone you loved, nurtured, and cared about for many years, then you might understand how she feels right now... if you don't know her, then let me tell you that the beauty of how well she loves is very rare in this world... I hope you take a moment to click and share a little of yours...

and on this day, be thankful for the good you do, the love you share, the good intentions you follow through on... be thankful for your friends, those who show you how much they care... be thankful for the positive attention we receive and interaction we share here... be thankful for the things you value (and may those things be worth something more than status or prestige)... I am thankful for you... be thankful you have something to be thankful for...

and now, a Thanksgiving message...

crap, and you thought this was going to be an uplifting Thanksgiving entry, huh?... well...

foiled again...

aluminum foiled?... ah yes, for all the leftovers... the leftovers you pass on Thanksgiving, you know?...

I'll put myself to bed now...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)