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2003-11-18 - 9:59 a.m. job for the assking... as I expected, though I must admit I did find a bit of hope surprising me after the second interview, I just got a call from work... "we decided to go with someone else"... of course the stupid voices in my head (what?... you think I don't have any of those?... shhhh, just listen) tell me it is because I have let myself go too flabby, too apathetic, too unambitious, too tired, too old, too lazy, too unimpressive... it's because I dress too casually... because I do not look clean shaven when I am seen by administration when I leave after working my shift... because I am over-qualified... because I am inadequate... etc... and so on... fact is I do not kiss the right ass... in fact, it is probably my outspokenness about the incompetence and unprofessionalism at the top that keeps me from getting any other positions in the place... would I really want to be represented by or part of the abuse and neglect that passes as therapy and administration in the place?... no, but I keep giving them the chance to show me I was wrong about them, to show me they actually do care (hmmmm, a pattern no doubt... giving second chances over and over and over to just about anyone, to humanity, to the users and abusers and so on... ya falla?... but I wonder if I do it out of hope now... I may be just doing it out of habit... for I may no longer believe in those I am giving one more chance too... ouch, huh?) about the patients enough to utilize the expertise available to create and run a better program... but all they keep proving is that incompetence relies on unprofessionalism and smiley faced lies to stay in power... ah, the bitterness that follows rejection... but then, it's for the best... I do not want to become as insensitive as I'd have to become to be able to ignore the inadequate care provided to patients in the place... but then, most psych hospitals I've worked in are very similar... especially in the private sector... profit above patients, candy-coated care... keep the smile big and more importantly, keep the people who know better out of the loop... for once thing (or another), they didn't want to pay me what they'd have to pay me to make it worth my while to take the job... even without overtime I make more than they want to offer for the job... that is the nature of the place... people being hired today to work my job are being hired at $2 an hour less than I was hired at three years ago... maybe putting in for the position is a sign that i am somehow ready for a change... waking up, even... maybe tomorrow... yeah, that's the ticket... tomorrow... so tonight I'll vege out on the night shift a while longer... maybe I'll get back into reading and finally get back to Stephen King's Dark Tower...
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