ok, so this entry is actually being written eleven or twelve or so days from now, otherwise known as today, but if you look at the date of this entry, this date is eleven days ago... it all makes sense when you consider that there's been no entry in this diary for oh, ummmm, eleven days... so time, that relative concept that plays havoc with sanity and equilibrium, shall be bent once again for the purposes of catching up and keeping this diary up-to-date... the following eleven entries were written over the past eleven days and will be uploaded within the next hour or so as long as the Dland server cooperates... if there's a glitch along the way then the servers will alter the flow of the entries and whatever will be will be...

as we come closer to the actual today in offline time, which may very well be tomorrow or the next day by the time I get some sleep (since I've not slept in 48 hours) and actually upload (or in some cases complete and upload) the entries that would have been uploaded had time and mood cooperated in the last (and next, according to diary time) dozen or so entries... actually, I think the number is (or will be) eleven...

nice prime number, whatever that means...

so before we get too temporally confused (no worries, I did not focus much on which day is which as I didn't think much about it as time is beyond relative but as meaningless as it gets when I am in certain aimlessly wandering places inside and life around me distracts me from anything more meaningful than trying to get to work on time so I don't starve), the entries over the next eleven entries, I'll probably come closer to the creeping malaise that kind of rolled in like an ambivalent fog full of unecessary adjectives and redundant adverbs and cloudy memories that drained my brain of will to be out here in the world with you... but hopefully the drama queen will not get the best of the facts cuz truth is I've worked a bunch of overtime and had a lot of distractions popping up over the last almost two weeks... and most days an entry was written, or at least mostly written, but time ran out before I felt it was completed and time definitely ran out before I could get the words uploaded... I also spent a couple of days writing emails that tore open old wounds and refreshed memories that deserve much more time and hunger for more sharing beyond words and the time and opportunity was just not available, which squashed motivation and and inspiration and depressed the whole concept of life, love, and the pursuit of dreams...

bummer, ya know?...

and then I let the gym mood go away and got lazy and tired and fell into that sinking feeling and before we get too morbid, that story and the current mood and conditions will be in the current entry, also written today, but some eleven entries or so after this one cuz as you know, we are catching up... so are we ready to begin?...

well, meanwhile, in the life at home category, Rasputin wants to check the mail and so he's is asking me to get up and find my keys so he can check the mail and so I pause (and focus wanes) and after I find my keys and give them to him I hear him grumbling on his way out about his mom cuz the cellphone (my second cell number that has become Precious's phone that, until Precious gets back from summer vacation, his mom was using and took with her when she went back to her place, along with Precious's keys, which include his only copy of the mailbox key, hence the momentary interruption we are presently experiencing) has gone dead (the phone, not his mom, Precious, him, or me for that matter) so he can't reach her and he says (the gist of the grumble that I could make out) that she (his mom, not Precious) was supposed to be back up here yesterday because she apparently will be moving in again with the goal of finding a place around here... I think Precious will be back, needing her room, bed, keys, and wanting her cellphone, in about two weeks... we are all so organized around here, huh?...

and bringing in the mail (you expected maybe that I'd get back to recovering memories and deeper stuff {there's that word again... something tells me it's going to come back around before this catching up deal is done} and the resolution of everything?), the electric bill was $198 for this month, which is twice what it was in the old apartment on a high month, so this move to accomodate Raspy is still costing me more money than I'd like it to every month... and then the phone bills were over $200 including the two cell phones and home network DSL internet... and then there's the cable bill and I've paid all of these for the past year (cuz I'm lazy about organizing the bills, among other more reasonable reasons)... on the other hand, Rasputin has paid the rent the past two months, so maybe it balances out... still, one third of this apartment is more than half of the other apartment and as much as I love Precious, supporting her is not part of my chosen minimalized life and budget...

poverty is such a chore...

anyway, I napped a bit while pondering the existential choices I've made in the last decade or few except for the distraction of Sally ordering a pizza for himself almost right in front of me without asking me if I wanted anything after I've asked him (just a few hours ago, again) to use the second pizza for half price coupon when he orders pizza (especially on my nights off on the weekend) and he agreed (just a few hours ago, again) that the idea made sense, therein completely forgetting our conversations about such sense and courtesy and so the smell of pizza fills the air and he's enjoying it in his usual oblivious to anything going on around him way (you've got to experience it to believe it) and now that I've expressed the bubble of frustration over the slight and suddenly awakened hunger I am experiencing, I am going to return to where this entry began now and let the words flow as and where they may... if there are complaints or whining to be let out, so be it... and hopefully you guys who've missed me (whether you've told me or not) will understand the moody blues that washed over me the last almost two weeks and even lost nowhere, you believe how much I appreciate you (especially when I wake up and thanks to a couple of emails, that may just be happening again (relative to whatever awake might actually be like) and in your readings past, present, and future, find something interesting or somehow worth your time here...

ah, but self-pity (and selfishness) is not what brings me back here (in fact, self-pity is most often what keeps me wallowing in silence when I do such a thing (who me?)... I am here because you care (well, some of you do, and others are curious about me, and still others are bored and looking for some distraction and hey, I've browsed diaries for all of these reasons and more... so here are more words, some personal information about me, some odd thoughts about this or that, some attempts to express deeper feelings, some nonsense (and probably a few links to more nonsense and other sense tossed in along the way)...

and if you didn't let me know how much you missed me (which would be almost all of you, so don't feel bad or alone cuz I forgive virtually anything and understand too much as it is), now's your chance to enjoy your silence and catch up on this life in black and white...

I love you anyway...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)