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2005-08-07 - 4:00 a.m. I'm not heavy, I'm your brother ah, 4AM... the lonely hour... according the The Carpenters and who am I to argue with one of my top ten all-time favorite songs?... hanging on a hope that I'm alright yeah baby (must mock the loneliness to keep it tame, must laugh for laughter feeds hope... it's chemical, actually, in the brain and all)... I regress... I do not mean I digress... I am feeling more and more like I belong in kindergarten right about now... of course a rather strange kindergarten where all the other kindergarteners have knowledge and experience far beyond their years... ah, there's one I left out of catz-eyes's contest... Tell us a True Story of the most outrageous, risqu� and/or daring place that you�ve ever �made out� in. the library corner... that's when and where I had my first sexual encounter... we were both four and we liked to get naked and roll around on top of each other and kiss and lick and play with each others body parts... it started during nap time when we'd curl up next to each other while everyone was sleeping... we eventually would take our naps closer and closer to the library corner... we stopped sleeping during nap time and quietly played with each other... schoolyard activities followed nap time and they sometimes left the kids who were still sleeping (or appeared to be still sleeping) inside while the awake kids when outside... then we'd carefully slip behind the library shelves when everyone else went outside and slip out of our clothes and play and explore... I just love the irony that I would remember this during the lonely hour... it's one of the warmest most precious memories I have (and one of the oldest)... I filtered out the not fun stuff over the years... the getting caught part... the reprimands, accusations, rulebooks, judgments, and doctors with their mind games and tests... it was quite traumatic, dealing with adult fears and prejudices and repressions and having no adult have any inkling of just how stupid and weak they appeared to us little kids... they could offer not one good reason for why they came down on us like a ton or bricks, like we were diseased, yet we were supposed to accept their abusive judgment that we were horribly wrong just because they said so... I never saw her again, but she marked my libido well for almost every libido fantasy has a strong vision of her in them... eventually, when they couldn't legally or ethically put any other label on me, they called me deviant genius and told my caretakers to keep a close eye on me... I lusted from a far for many years after that... might even still have some psychic scars, though I don't feel any inhibition sexually in conversation or action... ultimately, tying it in with the start of this entry and realizing why the thought came to mind, that was the start of my deepest loneliness... everyone treated me like I was an alien mostly because I did not buy into the commonly accepted fears, so I have come to feel very alien amongst most humans because my four year old logic still finds no need or sense in most human fears and I find no flaw in that four year old's logic... so even in a crowd, I can feel very much alone, for I look for eye contact, for openness, for vulnerability... and I offer the same... and my open and vulnerable presence seems to keep people away as if the one with the least fear is the one to be most feared... and there's yet another late night insight into the psyche of the writer sitting behind the candoor... aye?
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