the BeeGees wrote and sung that, in case you wondered (and yes, Boyzone did cover it and it remains one of my favorite songs to sing and hear)... and that's mostly to myself today, these days, as I enjoy life even as I fool myself (as if I don't know it) into believing I'm ok getting old and flabby and blending into the furniture... I need to fall in love with myself again before I can do anything else meaningful with anyone else in this life... I mean, my work is meaningful, but I am referring to my personal life, relationship life, in case I'm not being completely clear...

this entry is part of a tale of the journey back to myself (with a little help from my friends, yes, that would be some of you out there and while not all of you are mentioned in this entry, you oughta know who you are by now - and many thanks for the comments)... before we get to it, we'll have the usual irreverent preramble, which somehow follows this introduction, but then, who am I to stand on ceremony or any book of rules...

well, the last 202 Things entry ran on for three parts in three entries (no wonder I get google hits for threesomes) and if you missed it, well, you missed it unless you go back with a lot of time and interest in trivial babbling about myself and nicim (who is much more beautiful and literary than I, which gives my diary a touch of class, vicariously, ya see)... I left it up for a few days cuz there was so much to gander at and hopefully you got your fill (obviously all but a few of you were left speechless, which is fine, just remember that the invisible man was very lonely)...

then suddenly, just moments ago, I popped a new entry up and if you blinked, you might have missed it because here is today's entry right on it's sweetly curved bottom (oh, and there are some sweetly curved bottoms in that entry, even if I didn't mention cutething... and to anyone offended by my not mentioning your sweetly curved bottoms {or neatly pert breats, for that matter}... how was I to know you wanted such mention, I mean, have you sent those 8x10 glossy photos showing me your sweetly curved bottoms {or neatly pert breasts, for that matter}?... of course you haven't {and now I expect all you fellow pervs out there to be sending me porn with a "well why didn't you say so?" laugh, kinda like the Wizard in that film about Oz... not that there was any porn to be had there... but come to think of it, there were some sweetly curved bottoms and... oh never mind}, you are not pandering for attention as if I am some star of stage or screen... I mean, I hardly ever get undies thrown at me anymore... maybe it's time to let this parentheses come to a tragic close)...

huh?... where were we?...

oh yes, I was explaining how much wonderful verbosity you've been missing if you've been away (and reminding you that silence is golden, but often lonely, and I really don't want you to be lonely, so come on in and sit a spell, kick your shoes off, and y'all come back now, y'hear?) and putting together this entry...

exciting, isn't it?...

sarcastic, isn't he?...

the next time my ego needs a boost, my back needs a pat, my heart needs a hug, my spirit needs a recharge, or my mind needs some reassurance that all my babbling here is worthwhile, I'll read this... so I send out a thank you, thank you Sandyz...

yesterday morning was going to be about putting together an entry for yesterday and today, or for today and tomorrow, yesterday, since this was going to be uploaded yesterday, but instead will be uploaded today, or something like that... time is such fun (what's that?... you expect agreement in tenses behind the candoor?... you must be new here)...

so there I was, yesterday, sitting here thinking that you might think that instead of rambling on, I might indulge in dozzing off, since I had just returned from work and there are so many games on in the next week I had better sleep when I can and I do so easily slip off into la la land after getting home from work...

but what might be happening instead is I might be heading out to the airport to pick up Precious since, in their usual habit of being quite last minute about everything, Rasputin just called me to tell me that Precious told him last night that her flight comes in today and he's not sure he can get out of work...

luckily, it's my day off...

unfortunately, it's my day off...

that's what friends are for, or uncles, since I bounce between being introduced as an uncle and a roommate depending on Precious's mood... I think I become "uncle" when she wants something, clever girl... and forgetting that she's due home today, Rasputin and I did not go out and get her the birthday/xmas gift she's expecting... that new Ipod...

see, I really did think it would have been four times in five nights, but apparently I skipped two nights instead of one night and so it would have been four out of six nights, which matters if you care and understand and if not, well, what are you doing here (I'll leave you to ponder that question or your navel for a moment)...

the moment is over, so if you're still here you either care or have nothing better to do and you're looking for words to read for your own simple or complex reasons, devious or perverse, overt or covert, told or untold, known or unknown, here or all in your mind... and since we're both still here, I might as well get on with whatever babbling there is to be done today...

I shall now magically recreate the precise experience I experienced in my experience quite recently that was sketched out on the notepad in my mind because I felt it deeply enough to lead me to believe it should be somehow recorded for posterity (cuz posterity loves me and wants to know)... I shall proceed with this recreation right now, right before your eyes, without any hesitation or forethought other than that which I just mentioned...

and the excitement continues to build...

yes, this is our lucky day... words off the cuff... babbling at it's most raw, most naked, most vulnerable, most innocent, most easily tempted, teased, exposed to whatever you might want to do with it... scary, but so much fun it has to be done... so without further ado, let's see this path my mind took this week...

it began with an email I wrote that became an entry (well, it didn't begin there, but it certaiunly went over the falls at that point, if you catch my drift) and a song snuck out of my memory to haunt me in that way I love that only music and old friends and new loves can do (have I lost you yet?)...

I then went here, here, and here, not necessarily in that order, and pondered my navel (and the lint lingering within) and the heart still somehow beating above it and read an entry that reminded me of an note written to me that dug it's tenticles into my psyche so well that it came back to haunt me almost as if it was a song and suddenly I found myself writing a note:

I have been thinking about you and the first note you wrote to me, the stone fortress, acid moat, and heart encased in steel... your recent entries expounded on that note and I think understand much better now (and how similar our hearts may be and maybe our senses of humor, at some point in time, to have had all the walls come down (who sang that - haunting me - like the music haunts the Phantom - Carly Simon, I think - oh, to remember and the tears melt the stone, dilute the acid -after- the acid bores through the steel - and deeper I drift into myself and find a personal catharsis in a note?... what kind of fool am I?... this kind: back to the note to you), and then lose the power, the presence, the person who taught us to share the magic of the unconditional... and you remember now like it was the first time, the first loss, and the darkness that he pulled you out of may be tempting you again and you do your best to bury it in many dozens of people in a Christmas card Hollywood story, Christmas in Connecticutt, blissful fantasy, but underneath, tearing away at your heart and soul, is the grim irony - like a macabre "It's a WOnderful Life" crossed with "Texas Chain Saw Massacre" in your psyche (or is that my psyche?)...

maybe not, maybe I see more me than you, but I write these words because I want you to know... and if I understand, then maybe you can realize you are not as alone as you feel, that someone else is there in that dark pit (in spite of our ability to participate in the smiling festivities all around)... perhaps this Xmas prayer (and note itself) is that tease and good-natured insult you claim to love (as I include your first note to me now, hoping to remind you, and hoping to wake you up inside enough to make you curious about an entry I posted that started as an email to you and never got to you cuz, as I mentioned in my previous note, your DLand email is off)... you are an eloquent master of language, dear friend (there's always hope), and my Xmas prayer for you (for two - and me and anyone who's been there) is that you do not fool yourself enough to forget you can fool yourself):

"Good Evening Candoor: Nice to meet you, my name is Michael. I read your last entry, thanks for the look inside of you. There's a lot of caring in there covered by a lot of sweetness. Thanks for your kind words. I believe I did know love in its purest form, I loved her unconditionally and her love for me transformed me into a better man. It was the kind of love I had never known, I had been and seen alot of this world by the time I met her. I had seen, and been a part of things that harden a man. War and the harsh realities of the ways of the world turned me into a stone fortress and within that fortress in its deepest part surrounded by a moat of acid lay my heart encased in steel. No one could scale the walls of my fortress, swim the moat of acid let alone penetrate the steel that entombed my heart...Then I met her and she brought me into the folds of the love. You read what happened and my world shattered, thanks to my little boy and his love and that of my family and hers, with her spirit surrounding me 24 hours day I rose out of the pit of despair. Out of respect for her and the vastness of her love that still lives in my heart I continue to live, well, attempt and try very hard to a live as good human being. Its because of her I live and enjoy life, as you will see I am playful, a bit of a trickster, enjoy teasing and being teased, love a good natured insult hurled my way almost as much as I enjoy delievering them lol. I'm looking forward to spending time with you. Good Night Ms Candoor"...

hey macho man (should I duck now?) please read the entry... it had enough power to become my Xmas entry for this year... maybe you'll let it in too... for yourself, for your love, for her, for your child, for they both want it for you, for there is always hope...

first, there was this confession to myself:

I am horrible at getting back to this emailing thing... trusting words personally to a real person still appears to be blocked off in my psyche due to the history of abuse that had it's seeds in personal written correspondence... I really should find time to look into it more, but I'm ambivalent mostly because I have adjusted to accepting the received written word as mostly beautiful wonderful fantasy (that is the compromise I've accepted in order so that the outgoing written word, my writing, can remain naked me, vulnerable as ever... I wonder if you understand the reasoning behind that)...

and there is always hope in me that I can be understood... and these next words, while they were written to one person, are as much a reminded to myself and anyone who needs such a reminder (and I know I do)... it is my hope that maybe these words will help others who find themselves in need of a change... I so appreciate someone who can get under my skin and tickle my fancy or stir up old memories or motivate me to take inventory and confront myself (especially when I've become too stagnant)... I think I mentioned that I've gotten back to the gym... five times in the past seven days... the reading and writing included in this entry was a direct impetus for that change in my daily habits... and these next words woke me up inside just enough to want to continue getting back to the gym, one day at a time, from now on... and I write:

please feel less alone, more hope for love, more belief in yourself...

please kick fear in the teeth and take a concrete step to rise above it... heck, maybe just writing your diary and visiting people who've read it and personalizing a few emails to make the reality you live more real are steps in the right direction... I think so... please rise above the poor-me - as I believe you can and have many times before - and know you deserve much better than you get and do something to change the path you are on...

you have friends out here... some you've met, some, like me, are only words... but when words are all I have, I give up anything to try to find the words that matter, that mean something, that might be an impetus - the kick required to help move the change along... waiting for someone else is not the answer... doing it yourself, moving on even if it means you might have to be alone for a while...

I believe (scary eerie psychic time?... oh stop teasing yourself, ric, this is serious) you are more alone right now where you live than you would be living in a place all by yourself...

so what is really stopping you from standing up for yourself and taking the steps needed to protect yourself and your interests and your life and your dreams (and get back to living them)?...

please kick fear in the teeth and take a concrete step to rise above it... heck, maybe just writing your diary and visiting people who've read it and personalizing a few emails to make the reality you live more real are steps in the right direction... I think so... please rise above the poor-me - as I believe you can and have many times before - and know you deserve much better than you get and do something to change the path you are on...

you have friends out here... some you've met, some, like me, are only words... but when words are all I have, I give up anything to try to find the words that matter, that mean something, that might be an impetus - the kick required to help move the change along... waiting for someone else is not the answer... doing it yourself, moving on even if it means you might have to be alone for a while...

I believe (scary eerie psychic time?... oh stop teasing yourself, ric, this is serious) you are more alone right now where you live than you would be living in a place all by yourself...

so what is really stopping you from standing up for yourself and taking the steps needed to protect yourself and your interests and your life and your dreams (and get back to living them)?...

please kick fear in the teeth and take a concrete step to rise above it... heck, maybe just writing your diary and visiting people who've read it and personalizing a few emails to make the reality you live more real are steps in the right direction... I think so... please rise above the poor-me - as I believe you can and have many times before - and know you deserve much better than you get and do something to change the path you are on...

you have friends out here...

and repeat it until it sinks in...

and if you are in no need of any changes in your daily patterns, if you are quite content with your life as it is, well, then congratulations and bless you for not needing to confront yourself and call yourself on any unproductive or self-defeating habits... you are truly lucky and wise (and hopefully I'll be too as I drag myself out of the physical rut I've slide into... being a couch potato is just not for me)...

life is pretty wonderful around here at the moment, in spite of the the cold hard mountain that needs to be climbed for me to feel fit and trim and healthy and myself again... the hope keeps me alive even in the worst states... and the physical changes of actually doing something positive for myself is enough for me to celebrate... so though it's been a rather bland year, it's a fine end to it and I look forward to next year not with resolutions I hope to carry out, but with actually changes I've already started (and hope to continue)...

may you find yourself at this moment too, if now now, then as soon as possible... may you take the step toward your better life, toward your dreams... and may 2006 be the year you follow through on what you know needs to be done, the changes in your daily life that will bring you the happiness you seek...

every day

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)