what?... who?... where?... places everyone, the show is about to begin (is that a soft rustling of programs and bodies adjusting in their seats i hear or is it just my imagination?... oh ego, let the show start already, will ya? {it doesn�t matter what you say, the show will go on anyway, na na na} and nyuk to you too)�

yes, there are times (like a lot) when i sit or stand or walk or do whatever and every cell in my body (not just the naughty ones, seriously now, can i be serious for a moment, sheesh, hurumph, and all that faux indignation) is just screaming out for�

especially the brain, which is one of the primary reasons i write so much� and why i can get into just about anything (he says while trying to find the music and literary value in a vanessa hudgens cd� oh gobblygook, can he be any more incorrigible?)� most especially i want� i want�

hmmm, what do i want, anyway?...

and nobody might notice me standing in the wings watching the show with only one wish, to be part of it somehow� for the yearning is so often masked by the business of rushing around behind the scenes helping others get what they need so that their shows can go on, so that their desires can be fulfilled, so that their dreams can come true� and i watch from the wings as they take off in flight into their lives, into their�

by the way, disregard all the links on that page (want) except the ones below each section on the left that offer more (usually linked on the word more, ummmm, doh) cuz the rest are defunct or close to defunct� though the email groups are still alive, i am currently not able to access them as my account of ten years is corrupted at att and/or yahoo and they do not appear to respond to support requests with anything other than canned emails, so far at least� i wouldn�t be surprised if a rant about their poor service shows up around here somewhere� and obviously the computer info (and probably some other stuff) is way outdated, though i still never bought that cutting edge computer, nor have i gotten my stuff out of storage, alas, others take precedence)� ok, so it�s a bit dated, but tell you what� if you let me know you would like to read it updated, i will updated it� how�s that for service?... all i ask for is�

but most seriously, all technical glitches and progress and asides aside, that page above (want) was written ten years ago, at least, and it still summarizes what i want better than most anything else i�ve ever written� new to you?... sheesh, and you call yourself a fan (nyuk nyuk, narf :)

but wait, i mean, did you actually just read the seriousness of that last paragraph?...

just checking 

and where is this bit of retroactive introspection coming from?... stevie nicks kind of woman?... odd combo of foods for dinner (garden burgers, rice {made with four kinds of soup, nuts, and assorted spices, including a couple of slices of smoked sausage}, a few pistachio crisps with spinach dip, and glazed walnuts for dessert)?... vanessa hudgen�s mouth?... typing naked?... progress in unpacking and cleaning the place?... an earlier conversation with a real person? (who might actually want to know me?... i know, shocking)... a return trip to the gym for the third day in a row?... an improving hot shower experience?... an increase in the loneliness crying out for attention?... for�

naaaa, couldn�t be :)

it�s probably just something i ate� or� perhaps it truly is a bit of all and more of some (omigosh, true confessions?) and the only way to know for sure is to be here to explore with me, so since none of you are, we�ll just have to enjoy the irreverently serious speculation and park the question for future contemplation if you remember to bring it up if and when you get here�

ooooo, serious tease, aye?... well, what do you expect behind the candoor?... to truly be here, you must pass through the veils and meet and greet the man behind the curtain and gain and grant the prestige and honor of unconditional trust (sharing it, you see, is the way and the key to star knowing and being with me), with or without rhymes, aye?... i mean, a nod�s as good as a wink to a blind bat, nudge nudge, wink, wink, say no more)� rhymes do appear to help as music is the universal language, or so some say (especially the voices inside, aye aye?)�

so enough of the subtle tomfoolery (and i do miss you tom, wherever you are� wow, i just typed your last name, i mean real last name, and the computer did not put the words on the screen, which obviously means i should stick with my habit/policy of using pseudonyms and such, and yet, how ever will the real people be found?... in thereal, perhaps?... there must be some hook to catch the search engine� perhaps a code only the search engine can find?... like can ric oli ever next what?...

giggles all around 

and on this new years day (oh, i know, the day is way off, but you must understand the date stamping here at diaryland does not allow for inserted entries so the dates appear out of order sometimes and the best we can do is look for the silver lining and RealTime� references {like this?} that give away the true identify of the time traveler {like this?} passing through space in this literary form� is this parentheses going to detract from the message in the sentence in progress?... probably, so why don�t we just start it over after the babbler has his way with us, aye?... oh sure, call the fool out while he�s on a roll so he�ll be sure to pounce on the opportunity to continue explaining his mission and purpose and ways and means even as he poses as an objective third party looking out for us, reader and writer, and the communication {interaction?} we so hope to establish here amidst all the words and asides and apparently ridiculous explanations of this, that, and whatever else {like this?} as if anyone ever will find the time or the thread to follow it all� huh?)�

yes, so, as if that never happened (and i wonder who remembers when those interruptions would last ten pages longer that it just did?... omigosh, don�t challenge the fool to wake up, please, then we�ll lose everybody and never have any interaction� yeah, good idea� at least they stopped screaming, aye?... well, it is getting late, whatever the date stamp may be, and obviously the loneliness is deep as the physical masturbatory releases are far from enough to satisfy the craving for interaction at this moment� and a smaller than usual voice asks from deep within� after a slight sigh and pregnant pause� will anybody ever understand?... and another slightly stronger voice repeats the mantra there is always hope� i hope in italics, no less, cuz it is so oft repeated as if to be a permanent engraving on the walls of my mind or perhaps, more closely expressed in physical metaphor, the largest and most clearly recognizable constellation in my mental universe� ah yes, we like that, don�t we?... even as we notice that the parenthetic aside returned as if it never paused� ahem, stubborn, the fool can be� yes, master yoda, the soty might begin to be told when the wars finally cease the story might begin to be told when� omigosh, now is see why commas were invented... oh, for the joy of english teachers everywhere, the revelation finally expressed in the babbles, aye?... there must be an english teacher with a potentially heavy influence on us somewhere nearby for this to be happening� whatever is it� huh?)�

start again (almost� does anyone remember laughter?)� on this new years day, may you find what you seek and the interaction to prove it is real in this physical world (well, as real as it gets, not to start too far down the path of possibility that even the physical senses could be illusionary other than to briefly mention it here)� and as the writer of words (and as i hinted at before, rhymes� cha), i wish you the sentiments and message in the song may each day� and the song i wish you peace� and if you do not know them by title alone, then i offer you the opportunity to learn by finding and reading them for yourself, for that bit of time would be well worth if and is, for me, a gift i would love you to receive�

thank you for reading through to this point� whether you know it or not, you made it through the rain (and now you are protected, if you want to be, if you let me know (yeah, if you interact� isn�t it ironic? {yeah, dontcha think} how the blatant and potentially obnoxious, or at least child-like and potentially childish literary antics and distractions somehow resolve in some of the most serious and sincere {and real, if you want to know} messages in all the written gardens?... hiding behind the babbler?... oh sure, you want all the secrets spelled out for you on a nursery school level?... have you forgotten part of the plan already?... come on, you know that would be telling) 

anyway, i love you 

nite nite 

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)