some people just shine and you don't even have to be around them to feel it, just reading the words of such a wonderful mind can lighten a day and bring a smile to my face... catching up on this year so far, I am (as usual) forced into thinking (consider that a warning, I guess) by her wisdom...

I do this... well, at least what i do relates to thaat entry... I live in the moment almost all the time and yet, sometimes I look at the cummulative total of remembered moments (which would be called the past, I suppose) and wonder where a year or decade has gone...

in one decade, I spent each moment either sharing with a best friend lover who adored me enough to be almost anything to please me but not enough to actually be a soulmate or working and going to school and when I looked up I realized that I was loved but not in love and had built up a big bank account and professional prestige, but all but lost the creative romantic soul I know as me... I came to realize that the comfort of a best friend and the rewards of professional success were just bandages around my broken heart and the me I know as me was running away from the loss that broken it...

so I ran away from the success and comfort and opened my heart to the possibility of finding another soulmate and falling in love again...

and in another decade I gazed into the eyes of the creative romantic soulmate of my dreams, a child she was and in chronological years, so was I, but so much more was shared than the simple childhood activities our culture calls play... we embraced love in all it's forms and in way we could not imagine explaining even if we had any desire to express it outside of our sharing, but that was the magic, we had no need to be anything for anyone beyond the shared moments we created for each other... and then the world stepped in and corrected us, taught us that we could not live in bliss because there were responsibilities and rules to be followed... and we were separated in physical space to parts unknown...

and I withdrew from the world and learned to play the way I was supposed to play, painting neat flowers of green and red...

and in another decade I wandered aimlessly through mind altering experiences on a journey that was meant to be to find a way for the creative romantic soul me to co-exist with the me the world demanded me to be and many of those who vowed love and devotion for life cast me aside as a vagabond bum who was not worth their time because in their eyes I was wasting myself and my life away... I learned that love and devotion and even family is transitory and people can decide to do anything they wish and justify it's righteousness no matter how contradictory it may be to their expressed responsibilities and rules and beliefs...

and I took refuge in the arms of a best friend who gave me all she could, but not all I needed for my creative romantic soul...

and in another decade I found the vision of my dreams and, afraid the world would take her away from me as it did the first creative romantic soulmate of my earlier youth, we hid away and met in secret rendevous late at night to exchange out passionate kisses and infinite devotions to each other... but the world did step in and told us we were not the soulmates we thought we were and she may have believed that, for she acted as she was told to act and I drifted into a journey inteded to be toward enlightenment, but ended up in a comfortable rut of success doing all the things the world told me was right to do...

and I stepped off that world one day and never returned...

and in another decade I spent each moment living in a small world of daily life filled with writing my heart out and mixing music and words to create soundtracks of my life and eating for health and oral delights and running (exercise) and swimming and dancing and relaxing and enjoying every moment, even as I wrote of my longings for love and romance and hungers unfulfilled... I fell in love a few times, but circumstances were not so the relationships would remain... and the last broken me into so many pieces I wondered if I would ever find myself again...

so I paused in thinking and feeling and gave myself some time to do nothing but walk through each day a zombie...

and another decade passed...

and there were other decades, some longer and some shorter and perhaps each decade was not a whole decade, for I do not keep track of time as most might... or perhaps I am dozens of decades old after all...

the saving grace for me is that my unconscious nature is in tune with each moment and experiences each as it occurs without much thought of time or anything outside of the moment, so I am able to enjoy even the prison of apathy and un-thought that a zombie appears to do so well... and in the moments when I wake up enough to look back and wonder how I let a decade or more slip by without nurturing and sharing the creative romantic soul I know as me, I lament and mourne and cry and wonder if it's time to die...

and then I let distraction take me back into the moment...

it is a happy survival and the best I can do until the creative romantic soulmate that I know as mine comes along...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)