I went back there to ramble because DLand was down for so long... and this is some of what was written (just so you don't feel left out)...

this particular web-writing addict (that'd be me) nodded off after working a 15 hour shift and now awakes needing a fix... yes, sharing words online (or the illusion of sharing that comes from uploading words online) is a drug and I am hooked... I mean that quite literally, but we don't have to go into the neuroscience behind the concept just now... better (for me, at least, I think) to dump the random thoughts that are cluttering my groggy but craving brain...

and if you visit my website by the backdoor (the more personal entrance if you want to know me), the addresses there are often bouncing due to SPAM... the DLand addresses are the best way to reach me, though as you can see if you look at the last entry here (which would be there, even if I found time and inspiration to fill in some dates between then and now, this now being the date at the top of this entry, even though the now for you reading is most likely different... time does that, the little dickens), comments might wait a while for me to find a reply in my brain... my other LJ might have clues as to why if you dig long enough...

as this entry was being written it was coming up on that magical 4AM time when a certain song lyric plays in my brain with the consistency of moldy bread (I can be kind of flaky in what is colloquially called the wee hours of the morning) as memories slowly fall apart (time does that too, the dervish)... music plays in my ears but I am not really listening... a young girl I've not yet met sleeps in one of the bedrooms here, an exchange student from a country in Europe who coughed a few times before I put the headphones on my ears and has me listening for more distressing sounds just in case some dire need arises that compels me to rush into her bedroom to save her (I semi-jest in semi-perverse, but truly harmless laughter as it is much more the maternal {or paternal, to be more gender-precise, though I feel the pure nurturing instinct has no gender deep down} instinct that has the headphones way back on my head so that the music is way in the background and the ears can pick up any spacial noises that might occur)... I am really not hoping that she sleeps in the nude and has a nightmare that drives her frantic from her bed and into my arms for comfort, really I'm not...

ahrem (throat clearing noises)...

didjya miss me?

if you are not giggling (or in some form of amusement, then you may be in the wrong place... I do not provide much therapy at this hour of the morning on my nights off as that is my professional life and it's wise to take some weekly time off from the sort of work life that drives nails into your psyche and demands instant answers to inscrutible questions (not to mention a couple of dozen desperately needy and somewhat disturbed teenage girls all begging for immediate attention and resolution to their problems right now because it's the end of the world and we should all understand that each of them are the only one that matters... working in a psychiatric hospital is very rewarding in some esthetic and intangible ways, but definitely taxing in most other ways, but if you are nude and really in need, I might make an exception)... yes, I am still quite incorrigible and rather lonely...

whether I am pathetic or not is for you to judge, but before you judge anything (or especially anyone), remember that we do not see things as they are as much as we see things as we are...

so what else is new?...

here we are, in the midst of what may become quite a brain-dump, and many of my readers over at my current primary daily life writing space may never know (see, I thought of you guys)... for them, I'll just have disappeared for a few days as I often do only to return with just the right amount of entries (or a few extra) to fill the days gone by to the diary looks like it's been updated every day just cuz I tend to write that much... what is worth reading, well, just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, worth is as well... what's in your mind tonight?...

life here muddles along... I work too much, but love every other minute of it because there is not much else to do that inspires the emotional charging and draining that I am alive to experience... I'm just a lonely boy, in case you haven't noticed or don't know the song reference... wake me up inside comes to mind, but then, much of me is wide awake and dreaming (or sleepwriting and it is just a tiny (but vital) part of me calling out with that sort of dire plea and there may be no one (or a very very few) people who could truly answer it for me (because I am such a peculiar and obvious child, or perhaps just an innocent man)...

as many of you know, we moved into another apartment after living in a hurricane damaged apartment for four months (at a reduced rent, so it was cool, especially since the damage was behind the walls structural and not anything that bugged us... though the daily hammering and sawing and work on the surrounding apartments was a pain especially cuz we work nights)... the bad news is that the supposedly newly refurbished apartment is worse than the old supposedly hurricane damaged apartment and all our complaints fall on deaf ears... you can read more about it here...

perhaps this is just the continued turmoil that started at birth or maybe it's the extended trauma that started in Toronto, but logic would suggest that it is just another bump on the roller coaster ride that is life and connecting everything the way I do gives a whole lot more credit to the people involved than they deserve...

or something like that...

that may have been a nip at an old scab... my humor may bite at times, but it's intended to wake me up (inside and out) and keep the pipes from getting too clogged... some people get my jokes, some people don't... and some undertand where the joke and the bite might meet... most people just pose, or suppose, and leave it at that... maybe someday I'll meet the one who truly does understand it all...

with the visit of the exchange student, this place almost got cleaned... at least it's less cluttered and the kitchen counters got wiped down in some last minute very rushed and careless tidying up... one roommate seems oblivious to dirt, smells, sticky stuff, cleaning or clutter... the other is almost oblivious to it, or at least acts like it most of the time... he used to blame the mess in his previous house on his other roommates, but it's obvious his own habits are not clean and his daughter is worse, but I love them as family loves family and they desperately need a maid and other assistance... anyone wishing to apply for the position can contact me about it...

I have been away so long I barely recall what I wrote... I think (instinctive memory) that here in this journal the past and present come together, sometimes in collision and sometimes in rhyming lyrical dances... the current CD Stack reflects this well (actually, this one was current at the time of this entry)... yes, music is slowly returning...

and memory calls for more

some of the links in this entry may not be available tonight because the DLand servers are down... they are part of the story this entry is trying to tell, so come back and click again if you want to explore more of the story...

what story?...

so much is told between the lines... and between the entries... I should probably come back here and put at least a few words into this journal every day... or night... lack of time is the primary reason I don't, but it's also lack of computer speed and memory (yeah still... unfortunately for me and any future hopes for a life of decadent leisure at retirement, I have not been able to save a penny since moving in with Rasputin and Precious... yes, I love them, but they eat out too often for my budget {and there always seems to be a need I pay for that I don't ask for back... but then, it gives me more of the feeling that we're family and maybe I am just lonely and pathetic enough to justify buying family somewhere in my addled brain... or maybe I'm just too generous for my own good}... anyway, still no new grown-up computer... so opening too many sites and windows is a recipe for lock up and crash...

sometimes I think most humans are such confused children...

but personal history has demonstrated consistently that any negative or glass-half-empty perspective is instantly turned around the moment I fall in love (and even more better when I fall in love with someone who falls in love with me)... and even if, as cursory and experiencial evidence seems to be bearing out, people lose their romantic dreams (or the desire to believe in and act upon them) as the years pass, I will remain stubbornly open to the possibility that the one is right around the corner stumbling through her ecstasy as I stumble through mine...

how's your life today?

I would like the thank, in no particular order, The Carpenters, Harry Chapin, Elton John, Bernie Taupin, Paul Anka, Evanescence, Paul Simon, Sarah McLaghlan, Pink, Jackson Browne, John Denver, The Beatles, Melissa Etheridge, and Billy Joel for their contributions to this entry... and you, for staying awake long enough to read it... may your time here feel worthwhile if just for a brief smile and may you go on with your life to find more pleasures than pains, more laughter than tears, and more fulfillment than hungers...

see ya around J

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)