shuffling my feet again (mentally) because I forgot the floppy disk with the last incomplete entry on it (not to mention the other incomplete entries of recent days, not to mention the pile of previous incomplete entries in the behind the candoor archives, not to mention the other diaries which takes us right back to not mentioning the first online journal which reminds me not to mention the paper books in storage which really sets aside the thought of all that stuff in storage that forms the foundation of much of the written world as I know it, or knew it, and nobody else has a clue, so we won't mention it) so tonight is a free style event...

yes, the mind is clueless as to where we shall be going as we journey through the words... I am at work, which offers some influences, though I can shut out most of it as Berry isn't working tonight and Elpien hides out most of the night and I'm left to my own devices, which suits me fine as I am not into the hospital gossip because I hear more than enough even without actively listening... people here look at me tapping away at the keys each night and wonder why... maybe I am doing the same thing they do, shooting the breeze, sharing gossip, passing the time idly rambling on about the same thing day in and day out as if my little ant hill carries the weight of the world and my personal story is the be all and end all of Earth shattering news without even realizing it...

I'd like to think my rambling is not quite as empty as most of the conversations I hear around me here, but then, we could be fooling ourselves into self-importance... I think most everyone does, to some extent... yes Toronto, I still use the phrase... and yes, I still think of you when I do...

all personal asides aside though, I am queried now and then about the time I spend tapping the keys and isn't it a waste of time if you're not selling anything?... unless I am in an exceptionally rare mood, right there the conversation ends before it begins for me and I simply respond "no" and continue tapping the keys...

not that I'll turn money away, mind you... I think I've left much of that purest rebel behind by now and am quite ready to sell out whatever anybody would like to buy, but ufortunately there are no takers for what I'm offering for free... I suppose that's the point, I am giving it all away for free (I refer to much more than words at this point), so it's valueless to this culture and like it or not, we're all a part of and influenced by the values of this culture...

froodelope...

see, I could probably get a half a nickle from someone for that word if I didn't just put it out here for free... alas, my habits will keep me poor, but hapsified...

I don't recall exactly when the last time I was pouring myself into nothingness was, nor do I recall the last time my grammar was so far from the beaten path, but then, I am creating new words tonight so the conventions of language are not what I am to be concerned with...

see, there's ending a sentence with with... twice, even... oh boy, am I ever rebelling now... I can hear Radar O'Rielly's knees rattling... so what's on your mind (come on, throw me a topic, I'll try to balance it on the tip of my nose while clapping my hands... not just every seal can do that, you know... which reminds me of the most groaniest joke I've heard in ages... you know the jokes about some guy or some animal or some thing walking into a bar and the baretender says and the guy says and so on?... well...

that's it... what?... you didn't get it?... you must be a hunter... I'll let Greenpeace and the other green organizations know you need re-educating... if you did groan loudly, then you're conscious awareness does not need reawakening just yet... and yes, I do realize I am still in a parentheses, did you?)...

I was all set to continue (as much as I could without internet access) yesterday's entry here tonight because there are a few others I did not get to that I know enough to at least say a few words about, about whom I could say a few words, even... a couple of fellow Soap Stars, for instance... but mostly I enjoy reading other people's comments because that's a great way to find new diaries to read, imaginations to explore, inspiration to feed on, and people to know... and now and then all four things happen at once at one new place and a star friend is born...

of course the deep down hope is that my solitary days will finaly come to an end because all this extended networking on the web will reach someone who is compatible with me (there must be at least one other nutjob with a four year old's mind, a five year old's energy, a teenage heart, and way too much experience in a grown-up's body who's remained completely open to everything and anything and able to enjoy the material world without needing it in spite of what the world teaches, preaches, leeches, and beseeches out there somewhere... somehow... we'll find a new way of living... we'll find a way of forgiving... somewhere)...

yeah, and that too...

so anyway, I dream that dream all the time, even when I seem distracted or focused on very different subject matters and emotions... it probably gets boring after a while for most people, that being in love thing... at least that's what I've been told... I never experienced the boredom, but then, I've not been in love too many times and each time lasts forever even if the person doesn't...

I close my eyes, draw back the curtain, of this I'm certain... any dream will do... yeah, any dream that is my dream, that is... such is the dichotomy of being open to anything and yet not willing to follow the blind... and ultimately, somewhere along the way, I'm gonna open my eyes and draw back the curtain and I want to see the dream, not just hear about it... the difference between perfect intentions and actualizing the best we can do is vast once you've tried both... and I want both...

my dear Pf asks why I am sad and I answer in riddles most of the time... it is true that I am always sad just as I am always happy, yin and yang coexist in very healthy proportions in my roller coaster experience of this life...

I am happy all the time because I love myself and appreciate every moment I can experience life and everything...

I am sad all the time because not everyone seems to find that happiness and I am sensitive to the energy, however it's called (consciousness, aura, spirit, anima, choose a word)... the energy we generate (all matter, actually) is positive and negative and that can translate into feelings that can be interpreted in the mind... I am not always fully aware of this sense, but it is always there... and this world, today, is very sad... I feel that...

I am happy that I feel everything... I am happy that I feel the sad... I wish there was less of it, that more people would choose the happy (and happiness is so much a choice)... so I generate some sad because I wish for more happiness in the world and I am sad my wish is not happening today... and I am sad because my personal wish is not happening today either...

I am sad because I could be sharing the greatest experience of all, this awareness I refer to and more, the unconditional love and trust i am capable of giving and sharing... I am sad because it seems to scare people to trust as much as I can... I am sad because so many are suspicious of love... I am sad because I have not found one who can share as I can share...

this is constant as I feel all the time... yet this sadness is not the dominant feeling I experience... more than any other feeling, the representative front-man feeling in me is bliss... euphoria... ecstasy... pure infantile glee at just about everything that inspires me to feel good... from a piece of chocolate to a poem that reaches the depths of my core... from the magnifiscence of nature to a song (or story told in songs) that expresses what is in my heart or on my mind... from an explosive burst at the end of a good long run to music that reaches beyond words to communicate secrets to my energy (soul, spirit, anima, choose a word)... from the uninhibited giggle of surprise most children express often (and most of us try to suppress most of the time) to the comfort of running around naked in my own space... from the wisdom I sometimes read in others words to the epiphany I sometimes find in my own... from the understanding of a truly advanced concept to the hopeful innocence in the eyes of a child... these are a few of my favorite things...

I feel it every time I leave work to head out to my 'free time', an exhuberance like it's the first day moment of the rest of my life and anything is possible... I feel it when I am at work and someone truly acknowledges and appreciates the fact that I care... every time there's a moment of connection anywhere, a moment when unconditional love and the glimmer of trust is realized (usually with some amazement as so few expect it in life), I feel at once exhilerated and at peace with everything...

that is the dominant feeling I experience through my days out of my personal spaces at work and in the world and it intensifies when I am not distracted by the responsibilities and obligations of survival... the peaks are usually when I am alone, but then, so often the sadness peaks then as well for all emotions and awareness heightens when distractions and responsibilities are at rest...

the bliss comforts the sadness and the net result is a peaceful acceptance of life as it is in this world at the moment and that returns me to glee because I love lemonade (to borrow a piece of the metaphor - when life gives you lemons, make lemonade - in the hope this deeper explanation of who I am and how my mind and emotional balance works is clear)... the fact that I can find a secure and comfortable balance on the side of happiness in this quite challenging and sad and fear-filled world is perhaps the strongest foundation of my general glee...

it's clapperiffic!...

now gee wiz, I wanted to give the commenters a chance to be front and center here for a while, but I just seem to write more than is optimal for a daily diary... I probably could (and probably should) maintain two or more daily diaries so that each entry, more specifically, the subjects of each entry, might get the attention they deserve... I believe in the observations and praises I express about those I link here and I know they are often overlooked by all but my most loyal readers and that is partly because the entries fade into the past so quickly because, well, I babble a lot...

that's actually why I created the browsing diary for my wandering entries... but do I use it?... well, that might suggest some sort of planned organization to my thought process and the method to my madness does not usually include any planning... in fact, the last entry where I decided to pull the links from all the commenters for one of Hissy's entries was as close to a pre=planned entry as I can remember other than the Lists of Things entries and memes... so I reiterate to myself once again - hey candoor, start using the browsing diary!...

and just in case you feel the wandering bug and have some links you'd like to share, there's the public browsings diary (the difference is the s ya know) for you add entries to to your heart's content... share one link with a little comment as to why you want to share it or share dozens in rambling babble like I do or share any way you please, that's what the browsings diary is all about, sharing where yuou've been browsing...

so now I have another project on my mental drawing board... to review my entries here behind the candoor and pull out the browsing wandering kinda entries and copy them over to my browsing diary and from now on (I've said this before, haven't I?) put the entries that are mostly browsing over there (and just mention them here so this refocuses on life in black and white as opposed to my impressions of all of you...

anyone who has time and wants to help, just skim through the last thousand or so entries (why are you laughing?... am I really so naive as to think someone might?... well I do have that request for rankings of my rhymes over there on the left, so maybe I am... you're all getting the look of a child who insists that the world ought to be this way, so there) and mention the ones you think qualify for browsing diary entries... and remember, if you'd browsing and find something worth sharing, add an entry of your own...

this internet world is the best thing that happened to networking since telepathy (oh wait, telepathy hasn't happened on a mass scale yet, has it?... ummm, nevermind) and we should really make the most of it... I've been trying to convince people to do just that since the mid-nineties (with little success, mind you, mostly, I think, because I have not focused my efforts in that area, but simply provide the tools without the publicity to get enough people to know about the tools... wanna help?)...

I really do have so much hope for humans...

almost as much as I have for seals

so once again you've been entryfied (and how many new words does that make?... come on now, you never know when I pop quiz might pop up and nibble at your... well, where it would nibble would depend on how well we know each other, I suppose... where would you like to be nibbled?... I mean, if you ever would like to be nibbled, that is... I didn't notice your no nibbling sign, so naturally I ask)...

perhaps I should put up a beware of nibbler sign?...

yes, well, we've degenerated into silliness now, haven't we?... perhaps not, since silliness is not only as silliness does, silliness is even more in the eye of the beholder and for all I know you might see nothing silly at all in my babbling, or even in nibbling... you might very well be quite the serious nibbler and be upright and offended by now, what with my cavelier attitude about it... please be assured I meant to give no cause for offense or erection, so if you are not thoroughly enjoying yourself feel free to move along to the next bit...

bit 57: the groper

long thought to be extinct in civilized society, the groper has recently been spotted (much like the leopard) in neighborhoods of culture and high finance... mature women have feigned shock and awe at the appearance of this old friend of the hand, however no police have been called in just yet suggesting some covert acceptance of the underhanded pawing and some analysts have gone as far as suggesting a new age of enlightened groping may be emerging in the suburbs with silent touchy-feely contracts between outwardly appauled, but secretly consenting parties... further study of this phenomenon would ne needed to determine just how widespread groping has become across the classes (not to mention in schools), but most experts in the art of the friendly fondle agree that it is on the rise...

were those Radar O'Rielly's knees we just heard?...

well, before this entry risks become sensualicious, or vulgarious, even, I shall take a cue from the clock on the wall as it is crossing the 6AM mark, the time when references to private parts and other innuendos should be zipped up and put away (though preferably not in that order) as some of our young ladies here at the Florida State Finishing School for Street Smarts and Class Distinction are waking...

we hope you've enjoyed your tour of our facility and consider dumping your unwanted children on our doorstep should you give up on them as so many parents are want to do these days... or better yet, don't...

this concludes today's test of your sense of humor... this was only a test... in the event of something really funny happening, you will be notified by carrier pidgeon droppings in your general vicinity... please remember to wear your hat when you see pidgeons overhead as you might be next...

this entry did not earn the good housekeeping seal of approval, however no seals were actually clubbed during the writing of this entry...

but even if you are not a seal, do be careful walking into clubs...

we give that a 9 on the predictable scale...

and finally, love your life (and everything in it), for that is the best you can do and no matter what, your best chance for happiness is doing the best you can do...

huggleberries!

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)