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2004-05-08 - 2:12 a.m. song for former favorites I guess the thing to do (for me at least) is just to continue rambling on as I do (being me)... just as the running and workouts must continue as well... and stop looking around so much for who might be here or there and what the reaction might be or whether I am noticed or not... for all the looking around is quite distracting from the goal of returning to myself and it may even be a waste of time to do it with every step I take (with apologies to the police) and besides, I've probably forgotten how to communicate anyway and the way back to remembering is probably to just continue rambling on as I do... should it effect my affect, or deeper still my self-esteem, to find that those who once called me favorites no longer list me as a favorite? (it is worse when the favorite-linker is a favorite writer who touches the soul places inside where you wish someone would understand)... is it worse to find that a specific entry that was a favorite entry (because it was really good or even called perfect or some such unbelievably wondrously wonderful-feeling praise) is no longer a favorite entry? (as if the words somehow changed and are no longer worthy or something)... like I (or it) was a brightly highlighted star on the walk of fame or something and suddenly, one day when I wasn't looking, I (or it) just dropped off the map?... was it because I wasn't looking?... alas, as haphazardly (and infrequently) as I think about updating my own favorites lists (it's been months, at least), I should know the answer to the question... besides which I know that the opinions of strangers really don't matter in the real sense of self... especially when time has provided vastly different experiences and perspectives (then the uncanny attraction to the similarity in content might be further proof that we are all the same, only seeing things from different points of view and using those different views to divide and conquer each other in some vain attempt to hide our insecurity and fears and doubts and therein lost the connections and security and the very things we want and need most of all, the embracing of the similarities also known as love) and all the supposed-to and note-supposed-to rules of human life come into play life signs and exits and lanes on a highway and fences and walls that, in our minds, we pretend are not there (because they aren't really) even as we act, in our lives, as though they are... are you getting any of this?... and we wonder, after squashing opportunities and desensitizing ourselves and losing touch with the passions and the possibilities (oh, fool dreamer), why we feel depressed...
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