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2005-01-15 - 5:19 p.m. I forgot what I did Friday... I think I got home soaking drenched because it was one of the heaviest downpours of the year that morning and then it's a blur... I probably nodded off in the big green chair after eating and then woke later on and did something... wait, that was the spaced out morning when I watched the NASA channel on and off (mostly sleeping during the off time after seeing the successful landing and transmission of data) all day... I love how the universe still amazes me... I think it poured all day Friday... later in the day (as it vaguely comes back to me now) I groggily hitched a ride with Raspy when he went to pick up Precious from school and returned some library stuff (but the library called to let me know that the DVD for Carousel I took out for Precious was not in it's box... my mistake for not waking up more and checking and not going into the library and returning the stuff the way I usually do... Precious currently has a bill of over $50 at the library, which is indicative of their irresponsible ways, so I am very careful taking anyting out for her anymore... I took the DVD out for her cuz her school is doing the show this year)... then we stopped so I could pay the electric bill (ah yes, more memory cells awaken)... it's interesting to me how Rasputin, who brings home about twice what I do each month, seems to not concern himself with the utility bills, including the cell phone bill that Precious ran up again (another $70, which makes it over $500 for the year)... I guess I'll have to play the heavy and take the phone away from her if she continues being irresponsible with it... no wonder I chose not to remember what I did Friday... it's like ignoring the sloppy living space and smelly kitchen and slovenly roommate habits, some stuff I just relegate to the forget this part of my brain... I could just walk away, pick myself up and move out on my own, even move out of this city... but I do not like doing that... it's been this way throughout this life for me, finding myself living with people who need to be taken care of (and I think I am accepting that everyone, relative to me, needs to be taken care of... I've sensed it since my first conscious thoughts and have spent years trying to deny and disprove... to believe something else... but this is my truth based on my experienced in this life even as it probably comes off as egocentric or something)... maybe those who realize how minimal humans use their potential and how helpless they choose to be are not supposed to publically acknowledge that and instead take on a leadership role as a parent of a retarded child might... controversy? well, if your god gave you free will and you choose to use that free will to commit suicide while pretending you're enjoying yourself, who am I to question your god or you?... and if there is only chaos in the universe and life is governed by natural selection, then I'd be a fool to jump in a river heading for a disaterous falls... so I'm a fool a lot... I get lonely... and still every day I play the hypocrit as I choose to be my brother's keeper (or more specifically, my the last chance for some children to survive human abuses, neglect, ignorance, denial, and deliberate avoidance of responsibility)... so now and then (here and now) I grumble a bit (or a lot) so I can let go of the frustration of knowing and being alone with no one to depend on in the physical world daily life outside of myself... and the dark hole of depression that lays in wait just beyond the slippery slope of loneliness comes back into focus so I can avoid it until the next time it looks even remotely appealing... giving up is the easy way out for the tired soul... so this Friday concluded with a vegetative spell in front of the TV with naps in the big green chair and renewed effort to continue copying CDs and almost a return to listening to music (at least in my head) and letting it remind me of who I am and what I what and what I can do and no matter what, I can do it all by myself... and so I shall until the right one comes along...
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