and what would I do if I reached out to you and I felt you reaching back out to me, if I felt your touch on my hand, on my heart, in my mind... would I run into silence or scream like a banchee or drop to a knee or assuade cleverly whatever might be beyond what human eyes might see?...

that would probably be a bit long for a title for this entry, so it was abbreviated for posterity and the DLand database... and what does create the illusion of loneliness in this all too crowded world?... and why?... and must we know how it begins to know how it ends?... and must we know how it ends for it to end?...

let it be?...

I may never sleep again (oh child of mine) alone... sugar chocolate caffeine bad movies, a few minutes of Play-Mate of the Apes reminds me of how uncomfortable people appear in their bodies, especially when they might actually be stimulated... and so I switch to a few moments of Pendulum and wonder why producers or directors think that some visuals of flesh are enough to overcome mediocre writing and poor acting... and so I return to the legacy on Sci-Fi and leave again, bored, to find Loaded Weapon, where I give up, sufficiently distracted (with a little help from Kathy Ireland) from the potential depths I might have dug to before this paragraph, but still semi-satisfied with the link... and what can be done about it (though you could join his email group, not that it would help, but it couldn't hurt unless you don't have room for large mails as was the case on my old laptops, but this is besides the point and off the subject)... I mean, Gnaphalium Polycephalum is serious business, or this discussion, for that matter... morning glory?... what eternal questions?...

is death the only end to loneliness?...

not that the time of day (or the season) would have anything to do with the content of the entries, for waking engorged can happen any time of the day or night or year... it has more to do with waking up than time... or age... but still, the cycle of life is not always a circle... sometimes it is more cylindrical, or shaped like a half peach with the pit removed... but that doesn't have much to do with the eternal questions... more like midsight confessions (around kidnight)...

I have a new cellphone... a Motorola T720, the free one that comes with new contracts... they changed the network format and sharged $18.95 to upgrade my service to the new format... I think ripoff was even spelled out in the contract I signed, especially since I was just talked into upgrading my phone and service last year... no return on the phone, so now I have two non-working cell phones and have a new toy to play with... more minutes too...

it was not just frivolous purchasing power that lead me to the cellphone store to upgrade... it was getting Precious a phone... since I use the house line for the internet most of the time and most of her calls are long distance, Rasputin decided a cell for her was best, especially when we got a coupon in the mail for $9.95 a month for a second cell phone line... turns out that deal ended ten days ago, or maybe thirteen... so much for waiting until Friday the thirteenth to get her a phone... just $240 extra dollars, not including tax and extra fees... yes, on February 1st the rate went up to $19.95 a month... capital ripoff, and very bad timing... Rasputin needs to ask for a raise...

meanwhile, I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies for $3.50 today... it was an impulse purchase at work... I am munching on them now, just to give you some culinary details... which reminds me, we ate at the Macaroni Grill tonight... excellent food, after the corrected the error to my order... good correction, especially the discounted price due to their error... even better, Rasputin paid for the meal... I got the tip... sometimes, life is not as expensive as it could be... and good, life is also good...

even if it is exceedingly lonely in some other ways...

yes, to answer another question... I am alone in my bed, in my head, in my intimate life... living with two people is both great and intrusive, great because some of the loneliness is distracted away and intrusive because there's no complete privacy so falling asleep in the living room can be rather revealing for reasons eluded to above... another benefit to falling asleep with the laptop on my lap, but that's another distraction...

ultimately, I appreciate knowing you are out there... even if it leads to eternal questions about the end of loneliness that can only be answered with the help of another pair of hands, or at least someone else breathing in proximal space... intimacy requiring a level of eye contact, minimally, I mean... and yet, the words remain aloof, irreverent, and distant... in spite of their revealing nature, don't let the candor fool you...

when I tell all the world that I love you...

I don't always italicize lyrics, you know... but that is not to differentiate between the ones that ask or answer eternal questions, or any questions, for that matter... it's mostly random impulse, pressing the keys and all... is a man with a gun somehow suddenly more virile?...

now when you get this message, you should be awake, for if you are in REM sleep you might not be reading it too well... and the question of whether females experience a similar engorgement during REM sleep or waking is another discussion for another time, unless, of course, you wish to express your desires, or opinions, right now... notes, in lieu of comments, will be amusing, or at least dramatically appreciated... as they are... as they have been... as I ain't been too proud to beg, but I get the feeling that I've been doing it a little too often lately... or of late, for that matter...

a lot of chocolate went down today too... or yesterday, technically... and no sleep... except for a flurry of momentary naps in the past couple of hours here in the big green chair... interrupted by chocolate and the occasional glance at the TV and words slipping through my fingers... the phone is cool, I guess... flip phone and all... I can play Star Trek now... beam me up, and all... and there are games and features I really do not want to pay for... so I won't use most of the icons, so much phone potential wasted... I wonder if it will feel neglected and get dysfunctional...

yes, so these and other questions are left for the ages, osterity, or at least for you cuz you care... it's not all fun and games at this hour of the night, ya know?...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)