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2005-10-14 - 11:58 p.m. escaping into your minds I really want to be excited... I mean, like I usually am... not about anything in particular, but excited about life, about being alive and experiencing the moment... the infinite possibilities... that's where I usually am... it's really strange to not be there... maybe this is what depression feels like... feeling not quite bummed, more like blah about nothing and everything and not seeing a way out... a very strange moment... these moments are so strange to me because they do not last long, but I wonder sometimes if the illusion is all the time I spend happy and feeling peaceful bliss and these occasional moments of apathetic blah are not the real experience, the real me... you know I tease myself about apathy and complacency and procrastination and negative perspectives a lot, but that's cuz I do not think I empower those traits... while I have, in recent years, indulged more laziness and apathy than ever before in this life and mostly it's allowing myself to be influenced by the current people and activities (or lack thereof) around me... I'm a flexible chameleon... and that part of me who can give up on life and vegetate has been empowered more than ever before... but I shall look outside of myself for something more interesting to ramble on about for this entry and I'll start by pulling out all the bits and pieces of thought scribbled on my mind this week... I am forwarding... and don't give up (who sang that haunting song?)... anyway, I am happy to see some intelligent discussion of "intelligent design" continues (though since when is science based on implications?)... I know that if I had a young child in school that I would not live in any area that forced any specific religion or rulebook into my child's mind under the guise of science in public school... long live FSM... I don't know, when do you take late late night comedy writers seriously?... I have seen nicim writing very highly about a certain book, He's Just Not That Into You and I just found this article for the males of the species... I should mention at this time, sort of after the fact so I'll mention it again next entry too, if I remember, that gump and smed are playing with me and Rasputin and Rasputin's brother in a fantasy football league and I really should pay more attention to the league and playing because I don't even look in enough to remember what's going on but I do look in once a week, usually at the last minute, to set my team and move players around as necessary and one of these days I'll write a fantasy sports entry and aren't you all thrilled?... if you feel like you're missing out on something and like fantasy sports (or like sports and numbers and statistics and playing games with sports numbers and statistics, then we could get a fantasy basketball league started... let somebody know, after all, we only read minds on every other Tuesday and if you aren't nearby someone else will take your mind-reading place)... and I was all set to catch up with hissy too when the distractions of work took over, but we're not going back there (see previous work crap entries) now... there are other scribbles in my head but I just got distracted by editing my favorites lists so I am pondering the whole concept of linkages and favorites now... as you can notice at your leisure, I've undertaken some major road work on one of the interchanges on my own personal information highway, that is, I've put in some time and effort into updating the list of favorite diaries in my profile... first, you who read me regularly, you are not forgotten... I've been jotting diaries down on scraps of paper for years and never seem to find time to actually review all of my favorites in one sitting and add your deserving diaries... today was a step in that direction and I started with the easy reminders, looking at my comments and notes to see who is reading me... it's not that I want my favorites list to be a reward for giving me attention, but on the other hand, notes and comments and being listed as one of your favorites are definitely ways to get my attention and find me reading your diaries (instead of just waiting for time to browse my favorites lists of linkers lists or click on your banner or stumble back through during my random browsings, which is what I do most of the time)... unfortunately, Andrew (our Dland creator) allows only 75 favorites in each profile... my first diary here at DLand has had all of it's favorite spots filled up for a long time... and this one is rapidly running out of spots... I want to remedy that by creating some sort of easy-to-update page where all of you can be listed, but all that coding takes more time than I've had time to do for a long time... so I got to thinking, if you are listed on my other profiles, should I duplicate you on another (because I love you so and we love seeing our numbers rise) or should I give that spot to someone who deserves at least one spot (which would be fair, after all)... and if you're already listed twice then should I... and if I list my own diaries should I... and if you are on my blogroll or linkers or some other way linked here on this page (which is even more of a shout out than being listed on a page you have to click and scroll down to see), should I... obviously this gets way too complicated for my desire for perfect fairness and recognition to handle... the compromise in this situation is doing the best I can and trusting my harmless intentions and correcting any oversights or mistakes I make along the way... so I'll accept that compromise... hoping you will too... I know some of the long time diarylanders do not have me listed because their lists filled up before I even started my diary here and I find myself in a similar place, not having enough boxes on the list to list everyone I want to list... I usually deal with that by ignoring it, that is, except for these occasional (rare?) moments when I find some time to click on all my favorites in one sitting so I can actually update my list and start figuring out who else to put on it, I just jot new diaries on scraps of paper and put them in the box of notes waiting for more time... all of you deserve better than that... many of you deserve much much better than that because of the love you share (which is my first favorite thing) and/or the creativity you put on the web (which is my second favorite thing)... if you find a way to get to know me offline, you'll know that I sometimes need a kick in the head to get my thoughts out of the clouds, or wherever I may metaphorically find myself, and back down to the human life level... I do not want to be inconsiderate, but I am not perfect and live very much alone in my head and often drift off on tangents that leave everything else behind... those who want to be meaningful parts of my life know how to do it because it's very easy, just reach out and keep reaching out... if we've shared time and space offline and you have a diary here at DLand, you had better be in my profile because if you're not, I'm losing more brain cells than even I am aware of and that's not good and as a friend you'll help me notice that... if we've shared phone conversations, same thing... snail mail might get lost in the disarray of my physical space, but I really want to get back to (which means over my fear of) exchanging mail and I so appreciate your efforts to help me there... today I rearranged my list for this diary... it's a start... or continuing process, actually... I tried to put diaries that are not being updated or diaries that have moved or ended towards the bottom of the list because I am debating about removing them to make room for others who are actually updating... if an old diary is worth reading and still has archives up, I will probably leave it, but if a diary I loved was simply deleted or is just a single farewell page with no links or archives, I don't see any reason to recommend you going there and those are on the block for removal at the moment... removing a diary from my list is a traumatic experience for me because I know how it feels when I am removed (like a kick in the stomach, like a rejection of my heart and soul and being, like I'm worthless... overdramatic?... yeah, well, call me oversensitive but this is who I am and I don't pretend to be cool or aloof or without insecurity... much)... I will probably create a tribute page for links to diaries removed because they no longer exist or simply have a simple page without links... again, in time... for now, I've made some changes, updated a bit, and feel like the list is closer to presently representing my most favorite of places to go here at diaryland... that said, I am certain that some essential favorite places are left out and you can remind, tickle, tease, or curse me here: 407-325-1482 (or email or comment or note or somehow metaphorically kick me in the had to get my attention)...
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. . . . . the moment we interrupt these seemingly mindless dots for a word from (or at least about our sponsor (hmmm, sponsor?... what's the opposite of sponsor?)... anyway, now, as ado-less as possible, the word for you or andrew)... connections . . . . AND WHATDYA MISS? Can You Laugh At The Sky? DSandDrew It's Been A While Just a Moment (Proof of Mice) A Moment of Forever older still random chance who me? leave a note? (read archived notes) send me mail? you want to know me? soundtrack 101 Things The Sequel The Trilogy 202 Things 200 Things 202 More Things 202 Things Again testing123 have time, love words? sleepwriting (where the heart dreams) and now, in RealTime� and then, (e)thereal and now, briefly, in case it matters and now, the dirt, drama, and details (babbling) DO ME! (Johari Style) DO ME WRONG! (but do me right) SOAP! (EPISODE ONE) (the dark side of candoor) loving linkers other loves A Diaryland Survey other surveys small world your profile matters (search for you & find me) tell others read others applause? favor? gift? get your own! saturn rings and other places googlisms browsing where've ya been? the searchers favorites 911 HEY AMERICA! LOOK AT YOUR CHILD STOP THE ABUSE (GET THE CODE) THOUGHTS ON GOD ( temporary attractions ) BACK TO #1 @ GOOGLE! WAS #1 @ MSN! (for a while, now on page (EXPERIMENTAL PLAYTHINGS) RSS? who links here blogwise Blogarama Globe of Blogs blogthings ~ BLOGLINKERS ~ ~ BLOGROLLING ~ Blogroll Me! published blogadvance blogazoo blogexplosion blogmad? bloglines (PREVIOUS TEMPORARY ATTRACTIONS) TSUNAMI INFO fantasy sports? BLOGGIES? sorry everybody Orange Blossom Music Festival Deland Music Festival MIT Survey brilliant idea Celebrate Birthdays FOR FREEDOM CONTINUE... talking dog SAY HELLO 407-325-1482 and if you want to leave take good care hope you make a lot of true friends out there |