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2004-05-10 - 8:55 p.m. discovery, part two (I think) it wasn't just the pizza, it was flipping on the TV to have something for the eyes and ears while eating the pizza and finding A Wrinkle In Time on (unfortunately on commercial TV, which means it's probably edited and even if it's not, ruins a good movie and this station seems to think it's ok to shrink the picture and add side and bottom bars in the middle of the movie in order to advertise Lotto numbers and news stories that really ruin the mood... and then there's Precious muting it at every commercial so she can play her tape of the weekend... all my personal (and selfish) whining apart, it's actually a good thing, I mean, that she is open and comfortable enough with herself and her life to want to share the actual conversations she and her friends had with me and her dad... her dad, who woke briefly to eat pizza, immediately retired to his bedroom though... great guy, but his brain does not appear to mutli-task too well when he's home or in front of the TV... the movie, however, leads to such infinite possibilities and I feel so much more at home in the infinite than I do in what we humans might collectively consider the real world)... and being with that feeling of family trust again is more precious than anything else (hence her name, huh?)... so anyway, where were we?... discovering why I am alone, perhaps... it wouldn't be because I let the distractions deter me from me and what I want most in this life, would it? (or perhaps it is the rhetoric irreverence I use to deal with just about everything that isn't quite as I'd like it, rather than actually attempting to change it... change what?... the obvious apathy and ambivalence that allows this sort of meandering around a subject?... how many ways can I say doh?)... it could be anyone... that's what I've always said, that anyone could be the one... and yet, the longer I live in this human existence, the more I realize that it might be no one, that the human condition as it is today is close to the antithesis of who I am and the compromise required of me to actually mate with a human would be to fundamentally give up my primary ideals and the core identity I know as myself... and then, what would I be sharing?... why be at all?... speaking purely superficially, any healthy body can attract me, but then I look at the face and it tells me that what is inside is not compatible with me... alone is an internal concept, sharing is an illusion that allows us to override the separation of being... and yet, sharing of bodies is momentary and the moment bodies come apart, aloneness is obvious once again... and any body will fill that void... but deep within the eyes, behind the blinks, the core of a being forms an individual identity (though the longer I love the more I wonder if humans achieve anything near individuality... and without it, well... the coolective human consciousness today might seem like sharing, but it may also be, as my instinct suggests, muffled under covers of darkness, a blob of undefined protoplasmic organisms... can there be awareness without true individuality?... I don't think so... can there be true sharing without true individuality?... I don't think so... what matters is within... I find so many limits in human consciousness, so many doors and restrictions in human reasoning and understanding... how many ways can we say duh?... I challenge anyone who dares come close to me to open every door, free the mind to the infinite... and therein just begin on the path to discovery... the way to share...
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