well, I suppose it isn't actually revisited until you've been there, so even though this entry might have nothing to do with that one because I chose the title based on the feeling buzzing through me after coming home from the doctor with an ok, but still a lot of work to do diagnosis and even though I talked her out of upping the blood pressure meds, promising to drop another, ummm, how many pounds did I promise exactly?... lucky for me she's a wonderful person who's totally supporting, flexible, and forgiving, cuz I think I said I want to be under 180 pounds by my next appointment but she'll probably be happy with any drop in weight and blood pressure... it was 144 over 90-something today... it's that 90-something (ok, I think it was 6) that bugs her most cuz she's got all the cutting edge information and statistics and she says a year ago she would not press for meds with my current pressure readings but the very latest studies and all that jazz...

meanwhile, I grumbled and came home and ate barbecue pork, wild rice, seven grain bread, a bit of cole slaw, and M&Ms for dessert, so there...

yes, I'll start my renewed weight loss routine tomorrow...

the grumbles took precedence today... I suppose I should take my own BP more often so I don't always get the reading at the very peak of my week, like do you think your BP would be a bit higher than usual as you left work on Friday?... well, anyway, she's not too worried, talking about the effects of borderline high BP could have for me in twenty years, so neither am I...

ultimately, I have that fool on the hill feeling again... here I sit with my foolish grin (pondering another bottle of gin?... no, been there, done that, don't feel like going back)... wondering when my new life will begin (did I just hear the Waterboys?... ah, Dawn, thank you and wish you were here, if but for a moment to catch up and share, to learn what we can from each other's travels and feel more of the story as it unravels... did I just hear Harry?... ah, Sue, you know... and from the start and the rest of you too)... just another lonely song bringing back memories of the times before love went wrong when my heart was sure and strong and loved and singing a loving song... and the people who shared the love, so profoundly beyond words, so intensely beautiful, nothing could ever compare... and is it all over and done for this lifetime... am I to sit here, alone on my hill, foolishly grinning at the wheels going round and round as I remember the wonders that inspire the grin and ponder the madness that I left behind (for this solitary madness, I suppose)... is it all so amusing, really?... and are all these words really asking questions?...

not really...

it is the mundane that defines the twenty, the most boringest of the boring, the slightest of the trivial, the inane inate... I can whine and complain and bitch and moan and roll around in the muck and mire of pathos and you might hear some of it and a few of you might actually get it and still, we sit and stare at it from our own hills, alone in our own ways... you may be a rock star singing your super song for no one... you may be a rocket scientist exploring the stars in your mind... you may be married with children fantasizing about the path not taken... you may be a lonely acrobat doing a magical dance on a planet all your own... and you may be sitting in front of your television wishing what you see would come true for you in your life, to change the daily sameness into something worth sharing with the world... if that is possible... or right...

and nobody seems to notice...

there was that time I was exciting wrapped up in a wonderful life with all sorts of fun and frolick and interesting characters to ramble on about... there was the time when I was juggling emotions and the prizes of material sucess in the material world... there was the time I was living on the land almost harmlessly, in harmony with nature and all living things... and somehow all that (and the rest unspoken) brought me here, to this dull day to day loneliness, this night shift isolation and longing for partnership that is unlikely because of the varied interests and diverse predicaments and multitude of trauma and strangeness that underlines the basic minimum daily requirements for the one... and then, left with nothing but fantasies, our hero drifts in and out of sleep sitting semi-erect in a big green chair that can metaphorically be viewed as a hill, watching the wheels of words wander about the screen from this page to that and your hand to mine and mine to yours, all public and private, but in spite of the potent emotional touching and seeling of the connections of mind and spirit, still only just skimming the surface of potential physical intimacy...

are you sitting perfectly still?...

this lonely life of imtimate isolation is getting old, in spite of the oddness... the memories of being in love are much more appealing and stronger than any of the pains of betrayal or failure of trust... but the lack of opportunities for sharing intimacy in the offline world is disheartening... and sharing intimacy in words is not enough and ultimately taunts the offline loneliness, threatening to become a substitute that diminishes the impetus to actively engage the local world and encourages complacency with distance non-contact sharings... as wonderful as words may be, they ultimately distort, even if only minimally, the purest essence of the physical reality... life, love, and the ultimate goal of sharing is more than words...

the writer cringes at the thought...

for whatever it means, I do complain aloud publically a lot more than I do privately... I think that is because I want attention, even someone to save me (save me from what?... ah, the mockery, of course, from the weaknesses within myself)... are you my mother? (sad little duck doesn't know any better, huh?)... in the real world, that is, the physical world offline, vulnerability and honesty can be overwhelming as pretense and aloofness, a cool distance is the norm... people seem uncomfortable when feelings are too exposed, when it gets too real (unless it is a show, as ironic as that may be... wanna be part of the show?... it's been a long time since anyone, no less an entourage, looked to me to be the star, or even a nebula)...

see the sun going down...

anyway, the life around here is slowly moving in circles, missing the sharings, but still as uniquely human as ever... the comic tragedy that is humanity is a strange experience to observe, but infinitely more exciting to be a part of... life is to be lived, an experience to get lost in, not merely to observe... becoming too sedentary for too long is welcoming death and alone, that pattern of spectating is too easy to slide into... to change the pattern, to wake up inside (and emerge from the evanescense), we must reach beyond the momentary stagnation and compliance to challenge the status quo, to dare to bring the dream into action, to touch each other...

who have you touched today?...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)