omigosh, have I become something I loathe?... prejudice is a stupid mindset that I've mocked and avoided to the best of my ability throughout this life (and hopefully anywhere else I may have been)... when I think about it, I don't do it... I think...

so why the doubts?...

well I've started noticing that I get a twang of hesitation (and occasionally a depressed negatory response, though I am not sure which comes first, the response or the downbeat feeling) from the communication center inside of my when I wander around the web and find inspiration and want to reach out and hug (literarily or literally) the person who wrote the words or uploaded whatever it was that inspired me and notice that the person is a lot younger than I am...

kick me please...

you see (hopefully), I spent a childhood in the sixties raging against the machines and spitting on prejudice and subjected to all forms of it from many quarters, especially in the form of ageism... I was psychoanalyzed at four years old by adults who labelled me genius with deviant tendencies (luckily I talked them out of locking me up by learning to hide most of what I was think well and how to be a zombie without the drugs they offered... the drugs came later at my choice, but that's another story) and was routinely subjugated to dismissal all through school and beyond for being too young to be taken seriously by adults who could not come up with logical reasons to answer my questions or convince themselves that I was wrong about whatever it was they ran out of patience or mental capacity to continue discussing... I was so offended by the ageism I experienced that I almost reverse-engineered prejudice for all people bigger than me because I did not find anyone bigger than me with what was to me an open mind...

and now as I find gray hairs peppering my sideburns I hestitate to reach out to people based on their age?... I am obviously proving that age does increase supidity and close the mind (and hopefully, with this self-exposing reminder, I am retarding the mental retardation)...

maybe I am afraid I will be mocked or misunderstood by youth who've succumbed to ageism themselves? (it happens, I've experienced it, and it sucks as much as any prejudice I've felt, maybe even worse, cuz where is the hope for humanity if not in the open minds of youth?)...

maybe I am afraid of becoming a pervert? (it happens, I've experienced it, so stop laughing {note to self: self-mockery in the midst of an attempt to make a serious point distracts from the point, duh} cuz I'm lonely and too easily seduced by nubile young flesh or any fit body that fits libido criteria for arousal?)...

maybe I am afraid I have nothing left to offer (and maybe afraid I never really did) so the rejection of my words or me is deserved (ouch, that would seriously suck)...

maybe I am just being stupid...

anyway, I am not a number and age is much more than a number of years... personally, I experienced more in my first ten years than most people experience in many lifetimes, and yet there are still many experiences I've not known that many have experienced... being old or young is both an advantage and a handicap... Harry Chapin had a verse

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)